Being friends with an ex

submitted by Innisfree from self.Lesbians

So what are your thoughts on being friends/keeping in touch with an ex?

There seems to be a stereotype that lesbians stay friends even after a romantic relationship ends. My first gf, who was bi, absolutely insisted we do not break the tradition. Although it was painful at first, I am glad I invested in the relationship. The pain fades away and you only remember and build on the good stuff.

So yeah curious to know your thoughts on this. Thanks to u/carrotcake for the post idea.

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[–][deleted] 13 insightful - 3 fun13 insightful - 2 fun14 insightful - 3 fun -  (2 children)

The way I see it is they are an ex for a reason, so no. It muddies the waters to much for my liking. It’s not like I won’t be cordial in social settings, wont talk bad about them to others, but I’m not going to call them up to hang out.

However I have continued to keep friendships with women who I only had “relations” with. As long as they were fully understanding of what the deal was.

[–]Innisfree[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

That's a good way of framing it. I think it really does depend on how deep the relationship was and how long it lasted before breakup. It would seem the longer the relationship, the more difficult it is to stay in touch after.

[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I made a point to let them know if it was something I saw going some where or if it was a good time only situation. I only had one good time not listen and try to force a relationship on me, that was one of the 2 that ended poorly.

[–]Fraeulein 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Most of my exes were good friends of mine before being my girlfriends. Just because I no longer want to date them doesn't mean I want them out of my life.

[–][deleted] 10 insightful - 2 fun10 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

We don’t all stay friends. That’s an odd stereotype to me. I know so many dykes that are not friends with exes. You see your exes around, though.

[–]carrotcake 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I do believe that being friends after a really long relationship probably will be a lot harder and maybe not worth it. I don't think we should do just because it seems cool. Saying that i feel like there are people that i really want to have in my life, bc they're not like everyone else. That was the case for me. It was painful as fuck in the beginning, but me and her have such a good connection that it was worth it.

I feel like it is a stereotype with somewhat good grounds because lesbians will see each other everywhere they go so sometimes it's easier to be friends with your ex than not. Oh and also straight people can date people that have NOTHING in common with them, and it's not so normal to see that with lesbians. If we date people we like for other reasons than just sex, it will be more likely to maintain a friendship as well.

[–]reluctant_commenter 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Oh and also straight people can date people that have NOTHING

That always confuses me when people want to date someone who is extremely different from them. I can't imagine wanting to date someone who is not similar to me, at the very least least in values and some hobbies.

[–]reluctant_commenter 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Not my experience so far, lol. Hopefully the next woman I date is someone would be a great ex... wait a minute, haha.. well, the kind of person who would be kind even if we broke up.

[–]Jinera 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I stayed on friendly terms with all my ex's. I am not the jealous type at all so knowing they are with others just doesnt bother me in the slightest. My longest relationship was 3 years, after a 4 months silence after I broke up we continued chatting and send each other memes. Even with my bi ex that ended up cheating on me I just talk with them every now and then.

But I think that only works because I despite being an insecure little bitch in every other aspect of my life, when it comes to relationship I am as steady as one can be.

[–]Jaded 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I think it depends on the reasons for the initial breakup. If you broke up due to red flags or toxicity, then you won't stay friends. If you broke up due to general romantic incompatibility then I think lesbians will prefer to stay friends since the community is so small and it's nice to have other lesbians in your life.

Personally out of my exes, I stayed friends with two. One we just chat occasionally via chat and don't hang out in person, and the other I would consider one of my closest friends. The one I'm very close with we finally broke up because we accepted we were sexually incompatible, so it was very natural to shift to a close friendship.

Also Innisfree is a great brand. I generally prefer A'pieu or the Etude House Soonjung line though. Kikumasamune is good too

[–]Innisfree[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

If you broke up due to general romantic incompatibility then I think lesbians will prefer to stay friends since the community is so small and it's nice to have other lesbians in your life.

Yeah, I relate to that.

Thanks for suggestions on brands ;)

[–]Innisfree[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I think lesbians will prefer to stay friends since the community is so small and it's nice to have other lesbians in your life.

This is definetly a strong incentive. Looking to the past, if you come across a lesbian you will also discover a little circle she was a part of. Like the L Word chart - with a Shane type character at the center. Lol

Take Natalie Clifford Barney salons in Paris, or the New York lesbian circle Lorraine Hansberry frequented.

[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

i haven't stayed friends with any of my exes. a couple of them were very toxic relationships and when we broke up i didn't ever want to see them again. a couple relationships just ran their course and while the ending was painful, it wasn't gut wrenchingly so. i wanted to stay friends with those 2 but we lived very far apart and due to the distance, the friendship just fizzled out.

[–]Fuckyoucensorship 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I have yet to keep an ex around. I tried to stay friends with one but it was too painful and I felt it was hindering my/her growth so we cut it off fully. I don't really believe in keeping them around. If we reunite in the future thats different in my mind somehow.