What is up with "lesbians" who meet their exception?

submitted by Astrid2448 from self.Lesbians

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[–]Ricky_Ticky 53 insightful - 2 fun53 insightful - 1 fun54 insightful - 2 fun -  (17 children)

I have many straight women friends who call themselves bisexuals even though their only bi experience was kissing a few girls at parties. What they really mean when saying "I am bi" is that they are "open-minded, modern and tolerant".

I also have bi friends who are fascinated by how intrigued people look at them when they say they are "lesbians". They like the idea of belonging to such a hidden, mysterious and unavailable to men group.

As a result lesbians are not being taken seriously and people think "well if a guy says he is gay it's irreversible but for a girl things can change". If I explain it to my straight/bi friends they are surprised big time, they were not aware of it and they stop throwing "lesbian" and "bi" labels where they do not belong. So I guess we have to educate, nobody is going to understand our struggles if we do not explain them.

Once "women with exceptions" understand that wanting to have it both ways actually hurt real lesbians, they are fine calling themselves just bisexuals

[–]Astrid2448[S] 34 insightful - 2 fun34 insightful - 1 fun35 insightful - 2 fun -  (13 children)

I think you really hit the nail on the head. You're right, it's much more about image than reality. Unlike you, though, I've found that a lot of these girls aren't interested in hearing about whether this hurts other people. They get enraged if you even suggest anything other than them being valid.

[–]oofreesouloo 27 insightful - 2 fun27 insightful - 1 fun28 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

THIS THIS THIS. Usually people who do this can't care less. They're really self absorbed and I despise these bisexual women. I've tried explaining this to a bisexual women who calls herself 'lesbian' she got REALLY defensive and couldn't care sh*t about my concerns lmao.

[–]Ricky_Ticky 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Some women are very selfish, nothing we can do about it. But maybe some day they'll grow up.

It's also human to think how you feel is how everybody feels. Many lesbians share a similar story - when they noticed they like girls, they thought all women are like that. It's just the society that forces women to marry men but in fact all women like women.

So probably "lesbians with exceptions" think that every lesbian prefers girls but develops feelings for men as a "regular exception". And that is what being a lesbian is like.

[–]Astrid2448[S] 18 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 0 fun19 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I've heard them say that lots of lesbians must like men instead of accepting that they just aren't a lesbian. But that is a very homophobic thing to do. I would care less about this if they werent doing this in such large numbers and throwing actual lesbians out for even questioning it.

[–][deleted] 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (9 children)

I think they don’t want to lose their whole community because they were dishonest about something, or genuinely didn’t think they would be into males that are not “celebrities,” it still sucks for lesbians because we are considered fictional even more every time a woman finds her dick, lol. But I think they probably feel ashamed so just double down.

[–]Astrid2448[S] 21 insightful - 3 fun21 insightful - 2 fun22 insightful - 3 fun -  (8 children)

But bi women are welcome in almost all lesbian communities. Hell, they are even the majority in most cases.

[–][deleted] 25 insightful - 2 fun25 insightful - 1 fun26 insightful - 2 fun -  (7 children)

They are, but lots of bi women are the type that are not welcome. Mostly the ones that include their straight boyfriends in everything and bring him to gay events. Lol. This used to be the main problem lesbians and bisexuals fought over. In those simple days. I mean gay events specifically. How many lesbians feel like seeing places filled with heterosexual pairings? Our venues are small enough. Lol. My friend brought her boyfriend and he was FILMIMG. Lololol. So there were definitely many tensions over that shit.

[–]Astrid2448[S] 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

That's just tact though, that's not about being bisexual. There's plenty of bi women who aren't that socially unaware that they drag their boyfriend to a lesbian panel and force everyone to center them

[–][deleted] 27 insightful - 1 fun27 insightful - 0 fun28 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

The tactless ones caused a real problem for the genuine ones, but lesbians always took the blame. Just like the Katy Perry “kissed a girl” bisexuals are tactless, or the women who call themselves bi and only have threesomes, or women who think Cate Blanchet is hot but would probably not date women. Lesbians seem to take a lot of blame for being mistrustful when the “bisexual umbrella” is full of so many women who don’t take women seriously, and you literally rarely see bisexuals calling this out. I think people should clean up their own house before claiming lesbians are phobic as if we have no reason to be.

[–]Astrid2448[S] 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

I agree with you, I just think that none of this changes that for example, in places like actuallesbians there are like 10 bi women for every 1 lesbian. I don’t see how pretending to be a lesbian in places like this (which is the way most lesbian spaces are now) has anything to do with pleasing lesbians when the girls in this space are mostly speaking to bi and trans women. We often don’t even run our own spaces, leadership is usually also bisexual. And then there’s real life where these girls are usually telling straight people (especially straight men) that they’re lesbians.

[–][deleted] 32 insightful - 1 fun32 insightful - 0 fun33 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

We were too inclusive of people who have very little empathy for us. That’s how we got here, or at least contributed. The reality is, being a woman who is exclusively same-sex attracted is a very specific experience of the world, and the only bisexual women who understand this are those who have been in long term relationships with women, and spent a long time in the community, not in their heads about attraction to women. And those are the women who have a hard time letting go of their view of themselves as lesbians because it has literally informed huge portions of their life experiences. Being part of that. I feel bad for them, for that reason. It must be really hard. But I feel less bad for them when they keep using “lesbian,” and little compassion for women who use it without even knowing what it actually is. Many bi women who are lifers in the LGB community are really upset about this stuff too, especially seeing so many women who are intent on erasing lesbians and bi women at the same time

Edit: I guess we have had to start being the “mean dykes” they think we are by setting boundaries, but what the fuck else are we supposed to do when we are unwelcome in our own spaces? They helped create this but still need to play victim

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Most people where I am don't believe in lesbians having a space separate from bisexual women. And they subscribe to "bi lesbian"

[–]Gacho666 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I have also thought that, I think that some lesbians knowing that we were few and believing that because of this there were few opportunities to flirt were too open and not only did a lot of bi come in in the long term but also brought as a consequence men saying that they are lesbians (I remember that jokes were made about this, now it is a real problem) and now they have taken us out of our own spaces (which were already few) both physically and online.

[–]LesbianInExile 28 insightful - 2 fun28 insightful - 1 fun29 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

I find it weird when bi (or straight) women like the label lesbian and feels it makes them interesting or more appealing. I presume it only has those benefits if you are actually into guys so don't actually get a lot of the shit or internalised lesbophobia that lesbians often have to deal with. I have struggled to use the word lesbian to describe myself (using gay instead or just referring to dating or liking women - or just keeping my mouth shut - rather than saying the word lesbian) but they want the word I guess because it doesn't come with the same baggage for them.

If a woman genuinely believed she was a lesbian but later in life met a guy she fell in love with (if that does really happen?) then I can understand that she would have had a lot of the same experiences as actual lesbians growing up and maybe wouldn't relate to other bi women as much - but obviously if she is in love with and dating a man she is bisexual - just a bi woman whose experienced a different path in life.

[–]sootsprite 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Once "women with exceptions" understand that wanting to have it both ways actually hurt real lesbians, they are fine calling themselves just bisexuals

Unfortunately quite a few dig their heels in and insist that they're still lesbians, even as they're actively dating men

[–]Gacho666 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It is true that the bi and pansexuals who call themselves lesbians do us as much harm as the radfem who call themselves lesbians for politics.