all 13 comments

[–]wherethelonelyroam 19 insightful - 1 fun19 insightful - 0 fun20 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Im not sure if this helps but I also have a problem with avoidant attachment and thats why I have trouble finding and maintaining relationships and friendships. I find it difficult to open up and be vulnerable with people and I regret having many missed opportunities at making a meaningful connections. I used to immediately panic and choose either to wall off or deflect whenever I sense that someone is crossing an emotional barrier.

I think that my avoidant attachment stems from anxiety of ppl leaving me so Id rather not be too close. Over the years I've managed to slowly curb this anxiety but its still a work in progress. I also constantly have to remind myself that whenever people are personal with me, they genuinely want to know me and want to have a connection.

I think in the gay community, alot of us grow up trying to hide the gay part of ourselves. We try to build a wall around us and only let those we truly trust in. And in the process, we mute a large part of our personality as well. We might become more distant or cold because we never know whether people will leave us when they find out about our true selves.

Even when we come out, the habit of detachment that might still linger and cause problems in relationships.

I dont have any solid dating experience but if youre dating someone with avoidant attachment problems the best way might be for you to be self assured and confident in yourself as a partner. It'd be easier for there to be one person to be stable and the other avoidant than one anxiously attached and the other avoidant. I think not everyone is purely anxious or avoidant, but when it causes problems in a r/s, it is a problem that should be looked at.

[–]beholdyourheart 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I relate to this whole post so strongly - I've always been avoidant in all relationships (not just dating) and I think it stems from this overwhelming feeling that once someone gets to know me, they won't like me anymore, so it's best to just avoid getting close to anyone at all. What you said about developing avoidant traits in relation to being gay makes so much sense; I'd never thought about that connection before but being a lesbian definitely impacted my ability to get close to others when I was younger because I was so used to hiding major parts of myself from people.

I do think it's possible to overcome these unhealthy traits though (or at least, I really hope so), but it's a slow process. I'm trying to work through a lot of it before I start getting properly involved in dating and relationships, for the sake of my future girlfriend lmao

[–][deleted] 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

To avoid self diagnosis, I'm just going to say I have symptoms of avoidant attachment style. On one hand, I feel like it's a form of protection for me, and not something I need to overcome; on the other, I envy people who seem to so easily form friendships.

I find it much easier being vulnerable online than offline. People who have met me in person have assumptions about who I am, and I fear if I open up, they will not like the real me. Online, no one can make any assumptions, so I'm more free to be who I am.

I just hope I can meet someone I trust someday. My family burned me a lot.

[–]VioletRemi 7 insightful - 3 fun7 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 3 fun -  (4 children)

My English isn't very good - Avoidant Atachment is when "lets hang out, but nothing serious" and like that for months or years? I am acting like that sometimes, and I am not sure I can overcome it, if I don't want serious relationship and it is just to make us both feel better. I am always reminding about it and trying that such relationship is with consent. So not sure if it is counts as "avoidant attachment", as both sides agreed on this.

[–]reluctant_commenter 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Avoidant attachment as a general phrase could be what you described. But, an avoidant attachment disorder is a specific psychological diagnosis.

An attachment disorder occurs when a child experiences severe disruption in their ability to form a relationship with their caretaker(s) in the first year of life. Usually, it is pretty set by about 1 year old, according to research. The "disruption" has to be a pattern. For example, a parent who is emotionless and indifferent when their baby cries. The baby learns that no one is going to come to help. That belief, "no one is going to come help," persists into adulthood and causes the attachment disorder.

There are like 3 main types of attachment disorders that have been researched-- avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized (rapid switching between avoidant, ambivalent, and other strategies).

This is an article about it if you are curious! https://www.verywellmind.com/marriage-insecure-attachment-style-2303303

Hope that wasn't too much info haha.

[–]VioletRemi 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Thanks for the info!

[–]reluctant_commenter 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

No problem! :)

[–]yousaythosethings 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Repping disorganized attachment style. Although I’ve come a long way to overcome the worst of it.

[–]oofreesouloo 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yes, I have. Never again. Only secure partners from now on

[–]BigMommyMilkers 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

No, I wouldn't date someone who I felt like their affection and attention was hit or miss. I wouldn't date anyone with any serious mental health issues - depression, BPD, anxiety etc.

[–][deleted]  (3 children)

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    [–]begonia_skies 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

    Not the person you replied to, but for me, well-managed and actively involved in therapy would not totally turn me off. I've had really terrible experiences with past gfs who clearly had mental health issues but they did nothing to manage them and sought no treatment. To be 100% honest, it really depends on the person and how severe the issues are. I want an equal partner, not someone I have to care for all the time or walk around on eggshells. My father has a lot of mental health issues, I have dealt with that enough in my life. I would not exclude someone since as you stated it is very prevalent but the severity and how active they are in seeking treatment would be factors I would consider.

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

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      [–]BigMommyMilkers 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      I believe if someone has mental health issues that are well managed it can actually point to the opposite is taking place with this individual. She is resilient, proactive, and has good introspection.

      That in itself is attractive, while it wouldn't change my mind about a person in a dating sense - I'd gain massive respect for them.

      [–][deleted]  (3 children)

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        [–]reluctant_commenter 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

        I feel like this is a good summary of earned secure attachment, if you're curious:

        https://www.verywellmind.com/marriage-insecure-attachment-style-2303303

        "To earn security, you have to develop a coherent narrative about what happened to you as a child. You also need to explore the impact it has had on the decisions you may unconsciously have made about how to survive in the world. You have to think critically about how your upbringing affected your attachment style, and work on breaking those patterns."

        [–][deleted]  (1 child)

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