GF emotionally cheated, I need some advice

submitted by PasLagardere from self.Lesbians

First of all, dear God the template to create a post on this website is ugly.

Anyways, I think I am in need of some advice from my favorite group of level-headed lesbians.

My GF (28) and I (24) have been dating for 6 months now. Honestly it has been the best relationship I ever had, she has been there for me through the death of my mother a few months ago, is super kind, funny and very intelligent.

Before dating me she had a bit of a wild period where she had a few one-night stands and some flirting with girls. One of this girls was A, a friend of my gf's best friend. A and my GF were flirting a lot, planning to hook-up, but A had (and still has) a GF and they rejected my now GF. This was back in october.

Beginning of this month, my GF started playing soccer in a new football team where her group of 5 best friends play aswell. A was also interested in playing there. My GF told me she didn't want to see her and asked me numerous times how to act. I told her to be kind and cordial, after all, they are all adults.

I have always trusted my GF 200%. Despite being physically cheated on in my 2 previous relationships.

Anyway, long story short: I discovered on Sunday that she had been having conversations with A that were a bit too friendly. For exemple, my GF made a joke about how 'Maybe she should get a little bit closer with A', or how she was the only person she could talk for hours to, and my GF asked her to meet up.

The girl said it wasn't a good idea since they both have GF's and they said, 'You say you are in a happy relationship but here we are...'

It continued a bit like that.

When I found out and confronted my GF about this she told me that she had called the girl and told her they should stop talking. in the end I discovered she never did, she also told me her best friends try to set her up with A, despite both of them being in a relationship.

I admit that I freaked out a bit and that my reaction was very out of character, I contacted both the GF of A to let her know and the mutual friend to ask them if what my GF told them was true, she neither confirmed nor denied.

I found out my GF had been telling all her friends how she couldn't stop thinking about A etc. My GF explained me that in fact she wanted to take revenge on A by rejecting her the way A had rejected her back in October, but that she had never wanted anything with A.

Her friends have been 'bashing' and blaming me. They think it were only messages so it wasn't that bad, my GF blocked A but they think it's a bad idea to block A since this way 'My GF can't prove her loyalty to me', they also think I was in the wrong to talk to the mutual friend and that my GF should not be doing any efforts for me to get me back.

I just feel empty, my feelings are not the same anymore and I'm not sure what to think and if I'm overreacting?

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[–][deleted] 28 insightful - 1 fun28 insightful - 0 fun29 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Sorry to say this, but it sounds like your gf is the one pushing to actually cheat, and was also pushing A to cheat before, and got rejected the first time. Your gf sounds like a cheater.

She was clearly into A and not over being rejected, and would likely leave you if A was interested. I think you should have some self-respect and dump her. I am really sorry about your mom. You don’t need to be in a relationship with a liar right now. You even sound like her rebound, tbh. Normally I would not jump right to a breakup, but in this case I think it’s warranted. Clearly she’s even got her friends against you.

And honestly, her friends are hearing her side, and who cares what they think anyway. Why is your gf so petty she wants “revenge” on someone who rejected her that has a partner, when they both have partners?! Why is she spending so much time manipulating her into thinking she’s interested? That’s fucking horrible to you and to her. Holy crap. Your gf sounds like an asshole. Don’t let grief blind you.

your gf sounds super manipulative. If she wants revenge, leave. If she wants to cheat, leave. Either way she sounds like a loser, and her friends are wrong that messages don’t matter. Lol. How do they think cheating starts? The LEAST your gf could do is stop talking to A.

Edit: what you did sounds over the top, contacting As partner etc, but clearly your gf was lying and you discovered that, and you’re grieving a huge loss, which I totally understand. I wouldn’t have contacted anyone’s friends or some woman’s partner, but it’s clear that your GF is someone you know you can’t really trust and being lied to is crazy-making.

Edit x 2: I’ve dumped a few “players” that never get dumped and they seem to become fixated on the person who rejects them. I assume your gf is super hot and charming and thinks she can’t get kicked to the curb. Lol. Be the kicker. It’s irrelevant now hot a woman is if she’s so immature.

[–]PasLagardere[S] 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Thank you for you comment, it makes a lot of sense actually.

Especially the part of a girl who never had been rejected. My first ex had always cheated on her gf's and then dumped them. I was 19 when I dated her and she was 26, so I was very very naïve. Anyway the girl she had dated right before me had cheated on her and had dumped her and our whole relationship she kept on talking about this girl, both being mean about me to her as being mean about her to me.

My GF is apologetic about everything, but I have this nagging feeling this is the end.

[–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Your gf better be sorry, because she was the one trying to reel the other woman in. I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her. But I’ve been lied to and have zero patience. I hope she’s being honest with you, finally.

[–]Dykexmachina 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I'm sorry about the loss of your mother. I hope you're doing okay.

You are definitely not overreacting. Your gf is acting really shady. Her feelings and intentions were very clear in her conversations with A and in the way she talked about A. I think she's most likely lying about wanting to take revenge on A by regecting her back. Even if she wasn't lying, that'd be such a ridiculous and immature thing to do, "reject someone back", like come on she's 28 years old ffs.

It's not "just text messages" when 2 people who have clearly wanted to hook up with each other are having flirty/intimate conversations behind their partner's backs. Plus your gf was talking about her feelings for the girl behind your back. A's girlfriend had a right to know what was going on, and you had every right to ask her friends and find out more about what was happening. You did the right thing in my opinion. You were just trying to get to the whole truth of the situation, because obviously your girlfriend can't be trusted to give you that.

She shouldn't be telling you how to act either. I'm sorry but your gf sounds toxic. Unless she somehow moves on from the other girl and starts treating you with more respect and honesty, I'd say be careful and trust your instincts, and especially don't allow her or her friends make you feel crazy for being upset about something that any normal human being would be upset about.

[–][deleted] 10 insightful - 3 fun10 insightful - 2 fun11 insightful - 3 fun -  (2 children)

Even if she WAS trying to “reject her back” (which is the dumbest idiot dyke player excuse I’ve ever heard and I would laugh directly in her face as I was throwing her shit into a garbage bag), what the fuck is she doing being so fixated on some other woman when she’s with a new person? There is literally no way she can cover her dumb ass. Lololol

[–][deleted] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

yeah, there's really no getting around it. a healthy and mature person doesn't plot revenge on someone who romantically rejected them. hell, even an unhealthy and immature person who is happy in a new relationship doesn't do that. this is a huge red flag, OP. like Chernobyl huge.

[–][deleted] 6 insightful - 2 fun6 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah, it’s like a red flag signalling the army of orcs arriving at helms deep. It’s is impossible to find anything reasonable about it. Happy people are not fixated on taken women, fixated on revenge, or fixated on people who rejected them. None of those things indicate this person is honest, mature, healthy, or happy. I wouldn’t be able to boot her fast enough.

[–]It-Do-Be-Like-That 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I know this may come off harsh, but it is a blessing in disguise you found out her true nature this early; sometimes cheaters can effectively manipulate you for years when they hide their greasy tracks well enough. It also seems that as this unraveled, you’ve discovered further red flags in her behavior. You really deserve better than this. I’m sorry to hear about your loss, but please remember that even bad people are capable of doing good things for others and vice versa. There is grey in between black and white. It’s good you had someone to share your grief with to begin to heal, but that doesn’t negate her behavior now and you don’t owe her any leeway for it. (Also don’t concern yourself with the opinions of her friends, sometimes people tend to defend those they love even when they know they are 100% in the wrong.) With all this out in the open, you now have the opportunity to continue onward and find a partner that you deserve and deserves you. I can’t tell you what to do, but for the sake of history repeating itself, it’d be best to leave her for these two reasons: 1. You deserve better 2. Suffering real consequences to bad behavior may actually help her grow as a person and could be best for her, too.

[–]begonia_skies 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Just to echo everyone else, this is shady. While she may have not moved into the lines of physically cheating, these are the building blocks that lead to that behavior. I don't personally ever feel comfortable telling someone online "dump your gf" but this is probably a red flag that you either work together to address or acknowledge maybe it might not be the most healthy relationship moving forward related to trust and confidence in the other person. It's pretty clear she wants to sleep with "A" and maybe it is just something she just needs to pursue, clearly the boundaries of a relationship aren't much of a deterrent.

[–]MyLongestJourney 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

My GF explained me that in fact she wanted to take revenge on A by rejecting her the way A had rejected her back in October, but that she had never wanted anything with A.

Even if that was true,who would like to be with that kind of person?

[–]Fuckyoucensorship 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Naw. I'd get the fuck outta dodge. This woman is 28 acting like shes in highschool being shady. I've stuck it out in a shady relationship in the past. Wish I had left as soon as shit hit the fan.

But I get it sometimes you gotta do it the hard way. From someone who made the mistake in the past. Leave. Your time and energy is worth more then whatever game this girl is trying to play.

[–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I have a bigger problem with emotional affairs then I have with a purely physical one. Cheating is cheating, but to build a closeness with some one with romantic intentions when you’re committed to someone else is beyond messed up. I don’t buy the “I wanted revenge” line at all. Even with the slightest possibility of her excuse being true would you really want to be with someone who disrespected your relationship so she could feel better about herself?

[–]carrotcake 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yes! I was going to say that. Especially since you discovered it and she lied even further saying that she had already called her to say they should stop talking to each other. What the fuck??

[–]BraveAndStunningTERF 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

As soon as you mentioned football team I knew it was you that needed to get out of the relationship. Football teams are incestuous imo, a lot of drama and women sleeping around with each other. You're being pushed out by her friends because they likely want to create drama for their entertainment unfortunately.

Your GF has been messaging that other girl with the intention of seeing where it goes - She's definitely looking through the keyhole in that door to see if can get with this other girl. I am sorry that this is happening to you, its very disrespectful. Even if you did stay with her, there will be another girl who comes along and catches her eye, maybe from a different team - Its incestuous as i say.

Save face - Publicly dump and be like teflon - Dont let any of the shit stick to you, you've done nothing wrong.

[–]lurkergirl 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Elaborate on the incest? A lot of women's soccer (professional) is dominated by lesbians, so this could be good gossip.