When love hits like lightning

submitted by Ricky_Ticky from self.Lesbians

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[–]WildwoodFlower 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (13 children)

I feel that there is some kind of attraction on her side. But I can't figure out what it is exactly. It's a very complicated situation. I'll start a separate thread about it later. But the bottom line is, I'm not going to make any moves on a woman who isn't single.

[–]Ricky_Ticky[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (12 children)

I'm not going to make any moves on a woman who isn't single Yes, fair enough. Uff.. Not an easy situation

[–]WildwoodFlower 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (11 children)

I'm still too lazy to write that separate post. But to make a long story short, her husband (who I mentioned in another comment in this thread) got sick and died several months after the "kiss at the party" episode. Only a few months later, she started seeing this guy she knows from her childhood. For over a year, she always described him as a friend, but then she finally admitted to me that he's her boyfriend. But I am not allowed to tell anyone. His friends know. Only a few of hers do (these are people they both went to high school with). Anyone looking at her FB page would think this guy is just a casual friend who sometimes makes smartass comments on her political posts, nobody special. There aren't any pictures of the two of them or anything like that. She didn't tell me why she doesn't want anyone to know. I am guessing she's afraid people will judge her negatively for moving on so quickly after her husband's death. And yeah, that would have made sense last year at this time. But not now. As far as the friends she and I have in common are concerned, one of them is also a widow who started dating again about a year after her husband passed, and she has since remarried; the people we know were all happy for her.

So basically, I have feelings for a woman who is in a semi-closeted heterosexual relationship. And she keeps flirting with me and doing other stuff that I will describe in more detail when I finally get around to writing that separate post.

[–]Ricky_Ticky[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (10 children)

Sounds like the woman wants to have some fun and "free love" in her life. But I can imagine it is really not easy for you. Would her social circle judge her if she steps into a relationship with another woman?

[–]WildwoodFlower 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (9 children)

Maybe she feels she missed out on the whole "free love" thing the first time around in the 60s and 70s? :D (Actually, she once told me she hated the whole sexual revolution thing because the guys back then all expected women to put out and all she wanted was someone to take her to the movies.) At any rate, this woman is in her 60s and her boyfriend is in his early 70s (and doesn't appear to be in the best of shape). Her husband was 80 when he passed away. So I doubt this is about sex, at least as far as the males of the species are concerned.

The people we know in common would probably have an "OMG, what's going on between those two???" reaction if she and I got together. Many of them are lesbians or gay men who came out later in life, after heterosexual marriages and kids. So they would be understanding once they got over their initial shock. The straight people among us are not homophobic-- they wouldn't be in our organization if they were. Again, I would expect them to be shocked at first, but they'd get over it. They are used to seeing me and her hanging out together. Some of them have even commented about how "she really likes you" and have noted that she treats me differently than she treats other people. (They don't mean it that way, but they are noticing something.)

As for her extended family and friends, as far as I can tell, they're pretty liberal. It's not like they're religious fundamentalists or anything like that. I think there are one or two out gay men among her group of friends (beyond the ones we both know). She also has a step-granddaughter who is an LGBT activist.

[–]Ricky_Ticky[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (8 children)

What if she really likes you not just as a friend but as a woman but the age difference is stopping her? In that age having a partner from the same generation gives a sense of security whereby being with somebody half your age can feel weird. After all she might think she is going to hold you back from building "normal" relations and starting a family

[–]WildwoodFlower 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (7 children)

There is an age gap, but it's not like she's old enough to be my mom (unless she had gotten pregnant in the tenth grade). Since I'm in my 50s, the whole "starting a family" ship has sailed unless I go in the other direction age-wise and marry a woman in her 30s and we have a baby via a sperm donor (which would have been great 10-15 years ago, but I feel too old to do that now).

When I look at a possible relationship with this woman through an objective lens, the fact that she never had kids is something that goes in the "plus" column. (Her husband had two kids from his first marriage, but they were grown by the time he married her.)

I think she does get a sense of security from her boyfriend. She has known him since she was a little kid. She knew his family. They have a pool of friends* who all grew up together, went to the same schools, etc. I can't give her that.

*These are the friends who know that her boyfriend is her boyfriend.

[–]Ricky_Ticky[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

Ah, I don't know why was I so convinced you guys had a big age gap :):) You don't and changes quite a lot. This woman knows you really like her, doesn't she? Even if you did your best to hide it, the other person usually feels this is more than just friendship from your side.

I remember you wrote that once you get a bit distant, she starts actively looking for your companionship. She does not want to lose you but she isn't making any moves either. For her it's a comfortable and beneficial situation but for you it isn't.

If I were you, I would strain the will and take distance from her for some time, even if it means not being actively involved in the charity that means so much to you. If she really misses you and wants to get closer, she knows where to find you. She probably needs time for herself to understand what she really feels for you.

[–]WildwoodFlower 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

I never told her how I felt. And yes, I did my best to hide it, especially when her husband was alive. The way she told me about her boyfriend convinced me that she really doesn't know. We were at a major event with some other people from our organization, sitting next to each other in a huge auditorium. She started chatting casually about going somewhere with "my friend ____. Actually, he's my boyfriend. But don't tell anyone." Those were her exact words. She said this knowing that we would have to sit next to each other like that for the next four hours and neither one of us could leave. It just didn't seem to occur to her that I might feel hurt by the idea of her having a boyfriend. She is usually a cautious, overly anxious person who doesn't like to upset anyone, especially not in public. Since she is so very careful about who is allowed to know she has a boyfriend and obviously doesn't want any drama on that front, why would she then tell the one person who would be upset about it? Unless, of course, she had no clue that I had feelings for her. After she asked me not to tell anyone about the boyfriend, I automatically blurted out, "I won't." Then I changed the subject and did a VERY good job of pretending everything was fine. I repeated my performance the next few times I saw her.

Then Covid-19 hit, our group only met on Zoom, and I didn't see her in person until a couple of weeks ago, when we had an outdoor gathering. After not seeing her for four months, I found that my feelings for her were not as intense, but they're still there. I saw a lot of people for the first time in four months that day, so it was a surreal experience. Then it started to rain, and she dashed over to her car to get an umbrella. She came back with two-- one for her, and one for me.

As for her knowing where to find me, during the lockdown she friended my sister on Facebook. She has never met my sister. My sister is barely aware that this woman exists-- she just knows that I have a friend named ____ that I met at _____. My sister is also not the most social human being on the planet, so I am 100 percent sure that my crush sent out that friend request, not the other way around. I found out about it by accident when I was scrolling through my newsfeed. My reaction was, "Why is she doing this to me?" I still don't have an answer to that one. She has already seen everything on my own FB page (and I know for a fact that she has gone through it), so now she is keeping tabs on me via my sister's FB page? I don't know, but if a guy did that I'd find it kind of stalker-ish, TBH.

[–]Ricky_Ticky[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

You are really trapped in this situation. You can't make a move because she is not single. But she isn't doing much either on her side. Does she know that you are gay? If so, maybe you have some pictures on you fb with ladies, and now she thinks you are not single as well?