When love hits like lightning

submitted by Ricky_Ticky from self.Lesbians

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[–]WildwoodFlower 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (15 children)

She doesn't know. At least, I don't think she knows. That makes it somewhat easier for me. Also, it would be too hard to break off our friendship because we are both heavily involved in the same community organization and are more or less colleagues (even though the work we do is unpaid). For awhile, I tried to keep my distance from her, just to give myself time to let things cool off, but she seems to have this innate ability to know when I'm doing this and that's when she'll do something to get close to me.

[–]Ricky_Ticky[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (14 children)

To me it sounds like she is attracted to you but does not want to make the first move. Being rejected by a much younger girl can feel quite embarassing for a woman in her 60s. So maybe she is just waiting for you to take action.

[–]WildwoodFlower 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (13 children)

I feel that there is some kind of attraction on her side. But I can't figure out what it is exactly. It's a very complicated situation. I'll start a separate thread about it later. But the bottom line is, I'm not going to make any moves on a woman who isn't single.

[–]Ricky_Ticky[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (12 children)

I'm not going to make any moves on a woman who isn't single Yes, fair enough. Uff.. Not an easy situation

[–]WildwoodFlower 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (11 children)

I'm still too lazy to write that separate post. But to make a long story short, her husband (who I mentioned in another comment in this thread) got sick and died several months after the "kiss at the party" episode. Only a few months later, she started seeing this guy she knows from her childhood. For over a year, she always described him as a friend, but then she finally admitted to me that he's her boyfriend. But I am not allowed to tell anyone. His friends know. Only a few of hers do (these are people they both went to high school with). Anyone looking at her FB page would think this guy is just a casual friend who sometimes makes smartass comments on her political posts, nobody special. There aren't any pictures of the two of them or anything like that. She didn't tell me why she doesn't want anyone to know. I am guessing she's afraid people will judge her negatively for moving on so quickly after her husband's death. And yeah, that would have made sense last year at this time. But not now. As far as the friends she and I have in common are concerned, one of them is also a widow who started dating again about a year after her husband passed, and she has since remarried; the people we know were all happy for her.

So basically, I have feelings for a woman who is in a semi-closeted heterosexual relationship. And she keeps flirting with me and doing other stuff that I will describe in more detail when I finally get around to writing that separate post.

[–]Ricky_Ticky[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (10 children)

Sounds like the woman wants to have some fun and "free love" in her life. But I can imagine it is really not easy for you. Would her social circle judge her if she steps into a relationship with another woman?

[–]WildwoodFlower 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (9 children)

Maybe she feels she missed out on the whole "free love" thing the first time around in the 60s and 70s? :D (Actually, she once told me she hated the whole sexual revolution thing because the guys back then all expected women to put out and all she wanted was someone to take her to the movies.) At any rate, this woman is in her 60s and her boyfriend is in his early 70s (and doesn't appear to be in the best of shape). Her husband was 80 when he passed away. So I doubt this is about sex, at least as far as the males of the species are concerned.

The people we know in common would probably have an "OMG, what's going on between those two???" reaction if she and I got together. Many of them are lesbians or gay men who came out later in life, after heterosexual marriages and kids. So they would be understanding once they got over their initial shock. The straight people among us are not homophobic-- they wouldn't be in our organization if they were. Again, I would expect them to be shocked at first, but they'd get over it. They are used to seeing me and her hanging out together. Some of them have even commented about how "she really likes you" and have noted that she treats me differently than she treats other people. (They don't mean it that way, but they are noticing something.)

As for her extended family and friends, as far as I can tell, they're pretty liberal. It's not like they're religious fundamentalists or anything like that. I think there are one or two out gay men among her group of friends (beyond the ones we both know). She also has a step-granddaughter who is an LGBT activist.

[–]Ricky_Ticky[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (8 children)

What if she really likes you not just as a friend but as a woman but the age difference is stopping her? In that age having a partner from the same generation gives a sense of security whereby being with somebody half your age can feel weird. After all she might think she is going to hold you back from building "normal" relations and starting a family

[–]WildwoodFlower 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (7 children)

There is an age gap, but it's not like she's old enough to be my mom (unless she had gotten pregnant in the tenth grade). Since I'm in my 50s, the whole "starting a family" ship has sailed unless I go in the other direction age-wise and marry a woman in her 30s and we have a baby via a sperm donor (which would have been great 10-15 years ago, but I feel too old to do that now).

When I look at a possible relationship with this woman through an objective lens, the fact that she never had kids is something that goes in the "plus" column. (Her husband had two kids from his first marriage, but they were grown by the time he married her.)

I think she does get a sense of security from her boyfriend. She has known him since she was a little kid. She knew his family. They have a pool of friends* who all grew up together, went to the same schools, etc. I can't give her that.

*These are the friends who know that her boyfriend is her boyfriend.

[–]Ricky_Ticky[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

Ah, I don't know why was I so convinced you guys had a big age gap :):) You don't and changes quite a lot. This woman knows you really like her, doesn't she? Even if you did your best to hide it, the other person usually feels this is more than just friendship from your side.

I remember you wrote that once you get a bit distant, she starts actively looking for your companionship. She does not want to lose you but she isn't making any moves either. For her it's a comfortable and beneficial situation but for you it isn't.

If I were you, I would strain the will and take distance from her for some time, even if it means not being actively involved in the charity that means so much to you. If she really misses you and wants to get closer, she knows where to find you. She probably needs time for herself to understand what she really feels for you.