What's your worst trait in relationships?

submitted by hufflepuff-poet from self.Lesbians

I get super in my head and self-isolate and just stop talking to everyone for weeks or months at a time when I get depressed (which is more often than I'd like). I haven't been in a relationship yet but I feel like that's probably not gonna fly quite as well with a girlfriend 😅

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[–][deleted] 16 insightful - 2 fun16 insightful - 1 fun17 insightful - 2 fun -  (2 children)

As an adult I have very little patience for being lied to and having something that is observably true denied to my face, and I have to really try hard to not go full Ice Queen over it. Even smallish lies can trigger it.

It doesn’t help that I have unknowingly chosen women who are pathologically dishonest and self-absorbed. People similar to the worst of my family to bring out all the very worst of me.

I’m a lot better at noticing the red flags now and finding women who know themselves and are honest because I have done a lot of work on myself and become much more healthy, but when I discover I’ve been lied to, my instinct to cut my losses is still there and a big part of me would rather roll than be vulnerable with someone who doesn’t deserve it.

Hooray for shitty relationship patterns!

[–]Fuckyoucensorship 3 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

Are we the same person? Jesus I could have written this.

[–][deleted] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Maybe! My condolences on being lied to by assholes.

[–][deleted] 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

If you can communicate that you need some quiet time, and put a beginning and end date on it, you’ll be okay, I think. It’s when a partner withdraws and doesn’t explain the need for some alone time that it can really create issues; you can’t have a relationship with someone who is not around.

[–]oofreesouloo 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I agree with this. I personally wouldn't have the patient to deal with that though, because of the shit I had to put up with in last relationship, that woman was a master at shutting down and withdrawing. Overall, it's REALLY important that you are CLEAR on your intentions and DEFINE a beginning and end date just StrictlyDikely said. And KEEP your words. Saying sh*t like "oh I need some time but idk how much" or "i don't know what i want tee hee". Please don't. It's not fair to the other person to be "waiting for you" infinitely God knows how long. I think it would be good if you tried to really focus on getting your mental health better first. I know it's easier said than done. But if you feel it impacts negatively your relationships, then I guess it would be important.

[–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I seriously have no fucking patience for it because my last gf used to withdraw from me on purpose and give me the silent treatment and act like there was nothing wrong. Ugh. She was so horrible sometimes. That’s why I made her tell me how long and why she needed space.

[–]oofreesouloo 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I know... With mine, it had to be EVERYTHING her way, and if I wanted to express anything that concerned me or that I was upset about, she would immediately shut down. She was also pretty horrible to me as well. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that asshole uuuuuuuuuuugh. AND if she wanted space, she couldn't NEVER, EVER, tell me how long it would take. She basically, in the end, wanted the benefits of a relationships (f*cking, the caring about the other) without the downsides (listening to my concerns, commiting to me). But she lead me on at first telling me she wanted something serious with me.

[–]thc64 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Overthinking is my middle name. I also need to talk about everything when things go wrong especially if my partner is the total opposite. If frustrates me so much and I hate misunderstandings so I'll push every button until I get a response. Which is often, as you can guess, not very positive lol. Apart from that I'm pretty chill haha.

[–]endlesssummer 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I relate to this so much! lol it's not always a good thing, but I don't know any other way to be

[–]mi_stmi_llitia 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I really like living alone.

[–]whateverman 9 insightful - 2 fun9 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

I'm emotionally needy and I've always been attracted to independent women. I want my wife's attention like 24/7, but if she actually paid attention to me that much I'd lose interest. It all balances out because those two wants ensure that we have a relationship, but that we also each get enough space and have our own lives. But I acknowledge that if I didn't meet her, I probably would have stayed single forever. It's too demanding to have another human being balance between my contradicting needs and wants. I'm lucky to have someone I naturally have a good dynamic with, but I've been a neurotic, distant girlfriend and I'm not proud of that.

[–][deleted]  (5 children)

[deleted]

    [–]sootsprite 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    That sounds pretty awful, for both you and your partners

    [–][deleted] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

    Those poor women! Don’t do that to people. Lord

    [–][deleted] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    Those poor women! Don’t do that to people. Lord

    [–]SailorMoon2020 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    "You're too/quite aggressive" is something I often get both regarding platonic and romantic rationships.

    [–]VioletRemi 4 insightful - 3 fun4 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

    Not sure if I have actually bad traits, as I can control myself very well. However, my main issues in relationships are health issues (they are really annoying) and sometimes gf are feeling uncomfortable seeing my few dozens of scars through whole body.

    [–]PasLagardere 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I kind off hold grudges and compare situations.

    My SO is very emotional and once got upset because I called her the same nickname I gave to my ex (yeah, I get it, but she was sad for two days) however when I discovered she was not so innocently talking to a girl she had a flirt with before, I was only 'allowed' to stay upset for a day. That pisses me of.

    [–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    i think the worst thing i can do is go into a relationship not loving myself completely and expecting the woman and relationship to complete me. i should be whole prior to getting into a relationship.

    [–]Graythoughts 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I have have a similar problem and it’s the main reason I’m not dating right now. It doesn’t seem fair to my partner.

    Additionally I have really bad trust problems and don’t think I’m willing to share as much of my life as I should be able to with a partner. I don’t see myself ever getting married or moving in together. I love you and sex, and going to funerals and weddings together are fine but like...I think that’s about as much as I’m willing to give.

    But I’ve been told these are all things to work out in therapy so maybe there is more in my black heart, we will have to see

    [–]midnight305 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I'm told I'm to clingy....which is funny because the last person I dated only came around ever 3 months , and before that I was told I was to skinny ,

    Also been told I'm a user which is funny because god forbid I dont pay for something on my own once in my whole life. Like I'm used to always paying for myself and my friends....so I dont know where they get that I'm a user from if someone offers to pay then that's their problem not mine.

    I also hold a grudge to long people say , but after seeing my mom getting hurt over n over n over by the same people " she forgave" all the time then it's hard for me to be like " ok I forgive you "

    [–]yousaythosethings 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

    I feel emotions strongly and sometimes I need time/space to process them, and I am vocal about this. I generally don't need a lot of time. Sometimes 15 minutes is enough but I need to be given the opportunity to be alone to think about how I feel, what matters to me, what my options are, and what I want to happen. Anyone who is staunchly in the camp of "you can't walk away from me when you're upset" or "you can't go to sleep angry" is going to exacerbate this, and drive me batshit.

    Also, I have a narcissistic parent so I didn't grow up being used to receiving apologies. I don't know that I really EVER received apologies as a kid. Not even a "sorry you're upset" faux apology. "I'm sorry" was just an alien concept. As a result, I did not grow up readily giving them or knowing how to give them, so this was a consciously learned behavior for me. Now I find the ability to apologize and admit I was wrong very freeing. That being said, I wish I didn't say things in the first place that put me in the position of having to apologize.