Update to My GF came out as non binary

submitted by [deleted] from self.Lesbians

I sent her a long text saying don't worry about calling or texting me this week because I'm done. I cited the cycles of getting distant and withholding attention and basically taking me for granted. I told her that unless she can give me consistency I'm over this.

I have a feeling shes going to blame this on her coming out and think im transphobic now.

It's so awkward though because when things were good I sent her a really sweet card and care package and that's going to show up at hers in a few days..

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[–][deleted]  (14 children)

[deleted]

    [–][deleted] 18 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 0 fun19 insightful - 1 fun -  (13 children)

    She didn't reply to my text. Shes a very slow processor though and likes to fully process before responding to things. This definitely hurts but I can't be a part of a push pull dynamic anymore.

    [–][deleted]  (12 children)

    [deleted]

      [–][deleted] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

      She said she trained herself to because she used to respond really quickly and often out of first impulse and it always ended up being not how she really felt or got her in trouble

      [–][deleted] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

      My ex used to do this as well, but mostly it was so she could take the time to write the most manipulative response possibly, acting as if she understood when she was just trying as hard as possible to make herself look good. We would work it out and a week later she would be back at it again like she had amnesia.

      She knew she looked like an asshole, but only took the steps to not be abandoned right then, not to actually learn empathy.

      [–][deleted]  (8 children)

      [deleted]

        [–][deleted] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

        This is exactly what she told me. Growing up her parents called her overemotional and shut down her responses so now when we used to talk about anything she needs time before being able to give input. But it really sucks because it leaves the other person basically stuggling because we want an answer and it builds resentment be left out in the cold after being so vulnerable

        [–][deleted]  (1 child)

        [deleted]

          [–][deleted] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

          One I can think of it when we first started dating 3 months in she disappeared basically and got really tired all the time and busy and it was because she got bad feedback on her phd dissertation so she went back into her shell basically and did what she's doing now

          [–][deleted]  (3 children)

          [deleted]

            [–][deleted] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

            Yeah my ex used to give me proper and well thought out responses after coming back

            [–][deleted]  (1 child)

            [deleted]

              [–][deleted] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

              we were long distance so all our "talks" and arguments have been over phone or text. When we are in person we never fight oddly enough just bliss

              [–][deleted] 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

              You’re not transphobic for not wanting to date a self-hating, self-revolved person anymore. Plus, non-binary isn’t even trans, it’s a fashion statement. It’s ridiculous. It’s the button-up shirt and bowtie version of gender feels. Lol.

              The biggest problem with her sounded like inconsistent love; her pulling away and withholding affection, and ruining the good parts of your relationship with that response so you can’t even be stably happy for long. That behaviour is an intimacy-killer. Even if she could handle being female, that bit would have been a real deal-breaker.

              If you had a really wonderful and consistent partner you wouldn’t be breaking up, non-binary or not. (But most people who come out as non-binary are not the most stable anyway)

              [–]Gearbeta 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

              Good. You did the right thing.

              [–]oofreesouloo 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

              I'm happy for you. Think only forward and don't look back. You'll be totally fine. Hugs <3

              [–]SpatOuttheKoolaid 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

              Congratulations--I know this was a very difficult move to make and you may be in for a few days-weeks of hurting and grieving, but there is another side. The other side is a happier and stronger you. And eventually you will meet a more compatible partner that can be an active participant in a relationship with you.

              [–][deleted]  (2 children)

              [deleted]

                [–][deleted] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

                I want her to still open it and have it and stuff but I dont know if she will.