all 16 comments

[–]lunarstrain 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (9 children)

I'm sorry life has been so unkind, I can relate. It can be really difficult to see a future for yourself when you're so isolated from other people. It's good to hear that you have a goal for the near future, that's such an important and valuable motivator when you're dealing with depression like this.

I really recommend you look for a therapist if you can afford it, not all of them will try to forcibly trans you. I found one that understands that masculine women and feminine men exist. If you live in a woke place, look online. Video therapy offers a lot more options and you can even look for therapists that specialize in gay and lesbian issues but not trans. Your life has value beyond martyrdom even if it doesn't seem like it right now.

[–]Kai_Decadence[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (8 children)

I wish I could afford therapy but I just can't and I don't think I ever will unfortunately. I want to try to touch it out like I have been doing the past decade but the thought of having to continue this way for another 20-30 years is exhausting and I'm not sure I can survive that so i would rather get things in order if worse comes to shove.

[–]lunarstrain 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

Low cost therapy

US - Open Path Collective. One time fee of $60 for membership, $30 - $60 per session, based upon income.

CA - Affordable Therapy Network. $50 - $65.

UK - UK Counseling Network. 18 - 55 pounds.

AU - Talked. $50+.

EU - It's Complicated. 40+ euros.

Hopefully one of these is useful to you. I really want you to feel better some day.

[–]Kai_Decadence[S] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Thanks, that'll definitely come in handy :)

[–]lunarstrain 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

No problem, happy to hear it. :-)

Don't get discouraged if you don't fit well with your first therapist, it took me a few to find one I liked and now things are going smoothly.

Hope you have an easier time of things soon regardless.

[–]Kai_Decadence[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I'll try to keep this in mind. I'm just a bit nervous because my kinda issue is something I never hear others talk about, not unless they're being directed to gender affirmation therapy and we all know how nonsensical that is. I just don't want to hear the phrase "you might be trans" because that'll just show where their end game is.

[–]lunarstrain 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

The best advice I have for this situation is be up-front.

If you tell the therapist that someone has suggested to you before that you might be trans, you thought about it, and then came to the conclusion you're happiest as a feminine man, a decent therapist won't push you in that direction.

Especially if you mention that the unhappiness you experience around being a feminine gay man is because of the way others react to you or treat you due to your male feminity.

A lot of therapists have been fed the same sort of lies as the rest of the medical industry/TRAs and their desire is to genuinely help people. So, if you make it clear that you're not suffering from some kind of gender confusion, they won't push the issue.

[–]Kai_Decadence[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Well it's worth a shot, nothing to really lose right? Yeah, I'll try that, thanks.

[–]IridescentAnacondastrictly dickly 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Kai, please know that your perspective can and probably will change in 20-30 years.

I can remember being depressed and feeling hopeless in my late 20's / early 30's, maybe for different reasons than you, but the sense of hopelessness was the same. These days I'm pretty happy/content and on top of my game.

It may be a cliche, but it does indeed "get better". Hang in there! And if you can find someone professional to sort out short-term feelings of despair, please don't hesitate.

Best wishes to you!

[–]Kai_Decadence[S] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Anything is possible I suppose, I'll have to wait but it's just a lot of things are looking very uncertain and it does lowkey terrify me. For now I just want to get the personal projects done and see where my head space will be after. I'll have some money saved for a few therapy sessions as well, maybe it'll help.

[–]GreykittymommaMagical lady 💜 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Feminine gays used to be all the rage and honey y'all need to make a comeback. When I was young the feminine gays were the first outed and sadly they took a lot of crap from high school kids (early 2000s) but they helped pave the way for us LGB who blended in a little more or were shy to come out.

I am so tired of being told I have to be a certain way to be a woman. These new woke bullies are even worse than the bullies of my youth!

You have friends here and we me may be far away but we are here to listen and cheer you on when we can.

[–]Kai_Decadence[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

The history of the feminine gay man and what they (and butch lesbians) had to go through is what makes me so aggravated about where we are now where most of these people are now thinking they really are the opposite sex and it's part of the reason why I decided to be as vocal as I am against the trans cult since I'm GNC myself and hardly come across other GNC gay men who aren't deluding themselves...

But thank you, I'll try to keep that in mind.

[–]PenseePansyBio-Sex or Bust 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Oh, Kai... I hate that you're going through this. That gender-woo (and just plain gender, full-stop) keeps you from being able to just be yourself, and find men who truly appreciate, respect, and love you for it.

If it helps at all, I'm significantly older than you, and my life has been a disaster since day one; I'd pretty much given up hope years ago... but things have changed so dramatically for me within the last two years that, if you'd told me back then that this would (or even could) happen? I'd never have believed you. And it only recently involved actual therapy, or anything deliberate, you know? It all started accidentally. I thought I was just reaching out to help someone else; it wasn't supposed to be about me at all. I was a lost cause anyway, right? But, as the saying goes, "the life you save may be your own." (Though the other party seems to have benefitted, too.)

So if there's hope for the likes of me, there's hope for anybody! :) Especially someone who, like you, still has time on their side, and is already a damn sight more functional/productive than I ever was!

As far as dating goes: have you ever tried an online platform where you can text-chat using a bare-bones profile? So that all anyone sees is what you write? That way, you could filter out guys who stereotype and fetishize you for being a feminine man, in favor of those who see you first and foremost as an individual. You could just say in your profile that you're a gay man in your early 30s, and leave it at that. Discord has really worked for me-- probably even more because it's not specifically for dating; that promotes a "meeting of the minds" approach, you know? And the kind of people who prefer it. They don't tend to be about making you fit in a box. (Depending on the server, of course!)

Also, would it be possible for you to date another feminine man, maybe? I know that this probably isn't a vast group, but there have got to be other guys like you out there! Who are strong enough to be GNC in the face of overwhelming gender-woo propaganda. Who could give you the understanding, support, and, yes, love that you deserve... while you do the same for him. If gender-conforming/"masc" men don't get it, well, the hell with 'em! Who needs 'em anyway? :)

Hope this helps at least a little, Kai. Know that there are people out there rooting for ya <3

[–]TransspeciesUnicornI sexually identify as a mythical sparkly equine 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I don't have an answer. But I understand how you feel, to some extent. I'm in my late 20s and have also never been in a relationship. I don't have any friends anymore because of the TRA shit. I also have a difficult time making friends and don't even have much motivation to try right now in the current atmosphere. I also feel very tired... not as a GNC man obviously, but just as a woman in general. Between the woke/TRA Sharia, the Christian Sharia, and the actual Sharia all being major ideologies that hate women, it's exhausting. I also wonder sometimes whether it's worth it to continue existing in this world.

I was hospitalized after a suicide attempt years ago. Afterwards, I tried the whole therapy and anti-depressants route, and it really didn't help much. In fact the anti-depressants did jack shit. I still don't feel much better now than I did those years ago. I still think about suicide fairly frequently. So why am I still here? I guess it's the simple kind of "If you don't ask the answer is always no" logic. If you're alive there's a chance your life can improve, even if it's only a 1% chance. If you kill yourself there's a 0% chance your life will improve and you're just done. Sorry I don't really have a better answer than that.

[–]Kai_Decadence[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

No that helps, thank you for the perspective but at least you undersand that the TRA/trans cult nonsense has made life so much worse because the progress that was being made before this shit blew up was on the true path of progressiveness and then boom, it's slowly being decimated because of these delusional people and the people who blindly support it with no rhyme or reason.

[–]reluctant_commenter 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Hey, I'm sorry I'm way late to this post but just wanted to respond... no pressure on responding to this wall of text, sorry it's so long lol.

What I want to do is at the very least, create a few more topic videos on my YouTube channel that help fight against trans ideology and leave some clarity and help for GNC youths. I want to leave something useful behind before I leave the world and eh, I may be gassing myself up but I'd like to think that I could leave something that could help the next gay/lesbian generation.

Since I'm a GNC lesbian woman in my early 20s, I'm guessing I might be part of your target audience (albeit on the older end). Take it with a grain of salt because I'm only one person, but my opinion is: I would love to see those videos! And I agree, I think they could be really, really helpful for other gay and lesbian people. At the same time, to be perfectly honest... seeing other GNC adults who are older than me commit suicide because it's too much pressure to be a GNC, non-trans adult is incredibly demoralizing and depressing. Gender nonconformity aside, it makes me incredibly sad to think of someone as thoughtful as you leaving this world because so many people are in denial about reality.

I've been dealing with suicidal thoughts and urges on and off for almost a decade now. When I was a young teenager, I found a website that had a quote about suicide that struck me:

"Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain."

Of course, one could argue that it is still technically a choice no matter the situation... but the reality is, under an insane amount of continued pain, many reasonable people would choose to end it in whatever way they can. When I first considered this quote, I realized that 1. I was underestimating the extent of my own pain, and 2. I needed more resources to cope with that pain.

It may seem impossible that there are more resources to cope with the pain of being GNC and non-trans in a world that rejects GNC non-trans people. But I wanted to throw a few ideas out there to start with, in case you hadn't considered these before.

1. Realizing that trans BS may pass way sooner than you think

And when I think about this all, it does make me weary to go through a whole lifetime of having to deal with trans BS and a world that's so ready ot indulge it but continue to shaft people like myself.

I fully believe that you won't have to go through a whole lifetime of trans BS, if you stick around.

Trans BS is starting to get challenged in the mainstream, finally. In the US, the New York Times ran this gender critical-esque opinion piece a few weeks ago and the comments section was full of support for reality.

My personal opinion is that it'll take at most 5 years for GC/pro-LGB views to become mainstream here. I think we're getting really close! If I thought it would be 50 years, I would probably have the exact same perspective as you described; I'm "in the closet" about my pro-LGB views right now, and I sure as fuck couldn't keep that up for that long without going insane. But it may not be that long at all!

2. Participating in LGB groups IRL

If you're in the US, LGB Alliance USA has a bunch of online LGB social events. They have a book club that's every month, I think, and some other events that you could try. They haven't updated that page for August yet but you could reach out to them and ask. I think Americans may be able to join some international LGB Alliance groups' events, too, though I'm not sure.

The reason I've been nervous about attending any of the LGB Alliance events is that I've been afraid of getting doxxed somehow and being "outed" as pro-LGB to my IRL social circle. But you're already out about your views. At the very worst, even if you went and were like, "This hasn't changed my views about suicide at all," at least you would know some more lesbian and gay people that you could share your videos with.

3. Therapy

lunarstrain already commented about therapy, but I just wanted to throw my vote of support in for the therapy idea. I've been through several therapists at this point, and found a great one who is fully supportive of my pro-LGB views and who has also helped me using a form of cognitive behavioral therapy, which is a type of evidence-based therapy. If you're curious, I'm happy to elaborate on the ways in which therapy has helped me.

These were the criteria I used to find my awesome therapist:

  1. Try to find a therapist who actually has a certificate or extra training in evidence-based therapy. If they mention "evidence-based" therapy on their "About" page, that's also a good sign. - You can search for therapists who have these certificates using databases of the organizations that grant such certificates. The Beck Institute and ABCT are two such organizations. There are several others I wrote down somewhere in my notes, if you're curious! Such therapists are more likely to value/believe in science and, therefore-- in my experience-- are more likely to be open-minded, and curious and accepting of pro-LGB views.

  2. Ignore any therapist that says they're "LGBTQ+" or at all mention wanting to transition their clients.

  3. Try to ignore therapists who claims to be an expert in every single area of mental health... usually (though not always), that means that they're not great at any area of mental health.

  4. Ignore any therapist who lists pseudosciences on their website, of course. (I know of some lists of pseudosciences.)

  5. my personal bias - Try to ignore therapists who list "psychodynamic" therapy as their main approach... I've tried several psychodynamic therapists and none of them helped me. CBT was much more useful in actually making me feel better.

This process used to be a lot harder to do because if you didn't live in a big city, there might be no therapists who have certificates and live close enough to you. But with telehealth, I think it's more doable, although still might take some time to find a good therapist.

If you want to talk anytime, I'm always down. Hoping for peace for you, and whatever you decide, I'm really, really glad you want to put your thoughts out into the world.