So I've been deep in thought the past few weeks wondering about the state of the world and how it does affect Gender nonconforming people, especially GNC men. I touched up about this somewhat in an older post about how it feels somewhat hypocritical on my part trying to spread the message that I believe trans-identifed men should stop pretending that hey're women and just accept they they are gender nonconforming men, namely the HSTS type since AGPs are well... It's just a sex fetish for them but for HSTS, I genuinely feel like some of them actually do like to be feminine but feel like they can only truly be that way by deluding themselves into thinking they're women to feel justified in it. My feelings still haven't changed on this, I think transgenderism is BS and at the worst, is being used as gay erasure but namely towards those of us who don't conform to gender roles expected of us based on our sex.
But as much as I try to advocate and live my life authentically owning being a GNC man, there's no denying that my life has been pretty difficult socially. Dating has been next to impossible because either gay men are just not attracted to me for my gender nonconforming ways which is totally fine. But on the other end, the few men who actually are attracted to men like me, they either want me to delude myself into thinking I'm a woman so they can satiate their own internalized homophobic egos or their internalized homophobia is so great that they reject relationships and only view me and guys like me as sex objects. So yeah, dating has always been borderline impossible.
Social-wise, it's been hard to make friends because it seems most people are indoctrinated into the trans cult and after losing my friends when I came out Pro-Reality/Gender Critical, I can't deal going through that again with people who get in a huffy that "someone like me" is against transgender ideology. And my small family have never been too keen on me presenting the way I do even when I do tone it down for them when I see them but it's still not enough because I don't look like a "normal" man. To be fair, they are boomer-aged traditionalists and if you're familiar with the black family unit well, it should make sense. Point is, interacting in society while it can be nice to showcase true diversity, it can also be a bit tiresome when most people think it's odd and would sooner accept a man who deludes himself into thinking he's a woman than a man who knows reality but just prefers to look feminine. "But oh no, the reason he feels uncomfortable is because blah blah gender dysphoria" (the TRA will say lol).
And when I think about this all, it does make me weary to go through a whole lifetime of having to deal with trans BS and a world that's so ready ot indulge it but continue to shaft people like myself. I just don't see a great future for me. I'm already 30-31, never been in a relationship, has trouble making friends and hasn't had "friend" friends in over 12 years, and works a minimum wage job (that I am happy with but still), and I feel like it's only gonna get more difficult as I get older. I know the logical answer is to just conform and be more "normal" like a traditional man but that's not what I want, that's not what will make me happy. But I also don't want to swallow trans dogma and perpetuate the notion that the only way a man can dress femininely is if he believes he's a woman.
As dark as this may sound, I have contemplated suicide. Not right away or anything like that though I'm already thinking of the perfect funeral look I have in mind (lol). What I want to do is at the very least, create a few more topic videos on my YouTube channel that help fight against trans ideology and leave some clarity and help for GNC youths. I want to leave something useful behind before I leave the world and eh, I may be gassing myself up but I'd like to think that I could leave something that could help the next gay/lesbian generation.
With the way life is going, I just don't think I can survive living in a world that bows to trans ideology. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be like Magdalen Berns when it comes to fighting back against trans madness but it's becomes tiresome at times. And even when I try to step away from it all, I have to be reminded of my own standing in the world as a GNC gay man. It doesn't help that i also have to fight other gay men who are so ready to buy into this trans crap and try to push me into it otherwise shame me for speaking out and I honestly don't think I can handle the future I foresee for myself. Honestly I'd rather go out knowing that I lived my life as authentically and honest as I could. That it was an interesting ride but ultimately the current world just wasn't ready for people like myself to completely exist in but that maybe someday it will be, at the very least for the new generation to come as soon as they get over the trans lie. Could be 20-50 years now, who knows? But all I know is that my time is almost up so it's best to get things in order so I have no regrets. I don't have regrets for living my life despite the hardships it came with. As I said, it was interesting and I learned a lot.
Anyway this was just venting. It's been a rough few weeks but I want to continue pushing through, at least get these projects out before then.