all 7 comments

[–]CaptainMooseEx-Bathhouse Employee 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I get over things fairly quickly, but I also tend to end things when red flags start to pop up. For example, with my last ex, he tried to pressure me into letting his friends do whatever they want to me while we were on a date. The next week when we hung out, I confronted him on it and laid out how his behaviour was coercive especially in the context of us trying to work on a relationship (not to mention he was 38 and I was 25 at the time). When more red flags popped up (late for dates, needing me to pay despite him having $100K a year job and me working minimum wage at the time, the drinking problem), I broke it off. I would later find out that his drinking problem escalated and he lost his job and ended up locking a guy in a closet covered in lube to prevent him from leaving his cabin on the lake.

The way that I get over things is to be analytical about them. Look at everything objectively and use that information to help guide you on what it is you are comfortable with and what it is you are uncomfortable with. Pushing through and confronting things can be scary, but if you don't try then it will take longer to hone the skill and the further away you'll be from a fulfilling relationship.

Also, make sure you are in a place where the relationship doesn't become all consuming. Make sure you are maintaining your hobbies and interests and make sure you are making financially stable choices so the relationship doesn't become a necessity for your survival or your personhood.

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I also tend to end things when red flags start to pop up.

This is so crucial. Also, good on your gut for seeing those before you were the one in the closet covered in lube. Good grief.

[–]reluctant_commenter 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

and ended up locking a guy in a closet covered in lube to prevent him from leaving his cabin on the lake.

Holy shit. I'm so glad you decided to end the relationship before something like that could happen to you!

The way that I get over things is to be analytical about them. Look at everything objectively and use that information to help guide you on what it is you are comfortable with and what it is you are uncomfortable with. Pushing through and confronting things can be scary, but if you don't try then it will take longer to hone the skill and the further away you'll be from a fulfilling relationship.

Completely agree. This is my approach, too. It hurts, but-- I would way rather get the hurt out of the way now than have something unaddressed pop back up in 10 years or something.

[–]MoutonelectriqueBland Straight ♀ 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It all depends on the circumstances and the impact of the relationship, things you've been through together and so on. I've fucked around after break-ups, I've had months not interested in romantic partners whatsoever, I've jumped into new relationships rather quickly, I've taken things really slowly. I've done it all and often switched as plan a didn't seem to work.

I'm afraid that answer isn't really helpful. But in this case I probably be just honest with the new woman. She might decide to not go further, she might decide to take it slow with you. You don't need to be a couple instantly, you can just date each other and get to know eachother better and see where it goes.

This sounds super Captain Obvious, sorry about that, English isn't my native language. Big hug.

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Varies depending on the circumstances, and certainly I have not had to risk dealing with these circumstances since I have not dated anyone in the last few years by choice. But I've had to step away from intimate partners who seemed great except for that one area of life where they had their heads jammed way up their rears and couldn't see it.

It's tough to get caught in thinking things like "she was so great IF ONLY she had been able to see reality about X topic"—you'll just go in circles with this one. This is the way in which she was definitely not so great, unfortunately.

I'm not sure how your situation would have gone better if you had held back less, though—it sounds like you were too candid already, no?

Can you just take it slow with the new one and explain that you're still healing? Maybe now is the time to do that opening up you are regretting not doing last time. (?)

This advice might be worth exactly what I billed for it, though. Good luck to you either way.

[–]Aurelius 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I've no idea, but I do know that if my heart is broken I'm afraid it may destroy me, so I've chosen the single life. The older I get the less I feel right about flings so those aren't a thing for me any more, besides LGBT spaces are a little hectic for my taste.

[–]MyLongestJourney 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Once it took me a year,but mostly because it was difficult to find another.