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[–]hufflepuff-poet 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Not sure if I view this as Lesbophobia. I've had a few lesbian friends irl express similar sentiments to femlez34-- that they could "grin and bear kissing/sex/intimacy" with a man or that they'd be willing to suck dick if they were drunk (this struck me as some weird self-harm kind of thing tbh 🥴🤯😒), but they're not actually attracted to him. I've always thought it was weird but most of my friends who expressed those feelings were younger lesbians in their early 20s, still figuring out that it's ok to be a woman who wants nothing to do with men sexually or romantically and it's ok to only desire women and to pursue those desires. I see it as a response to the overwhelming expectations that women must want a man, even lesbians. Now that I've typed this out, I guess it is Lesbophobia, internalized.

I personally have never been able to relate to this mindset because for me, I realized I didn't enjoy being with men before I was able to accept that I did desire women. I never felt right being w men but I thought it was something wrong w me and I had to get over it. But the more I tried, the worse I felt and the more dissociated I felt til I just stopped having sex/dating at all for a few years cus it made me feel so disgusting being with men. I never really let myself acknowledge my attraction to women because I thought it was wrong and weird and made me feel like a creep around other women. Once I kissed a woman and especially after I had sex with a woman, there was no going back. I could never be with a man, now that I know what sex and intimacy feels like when I'm with a person of the right sex, ie a woman. Even with women I'm not in love with, the sex is amazing and my body is responsive and awake and glad to be alive, not numb and tense and disgusted.

[–]jay-dayGold Star Gay Woman[S] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

with a man or that they'd be willing to suck dick if they were drunk

Yeah, no. That's not what lesbians do or would be fine with. Your friends are just lesbophobic, and aren't lesbians. *It's also horrible they're saying stuff like that. It's a big reason why men harass lesbians. We give way too much lenience to lesbophobic women. I hate that this is so common, and so many of us just let it slide, it's partly why we're in this mess of erasure.

Maybe it's just me, but I've never had any doubt, even just the thought makes me uncomfortable and disgusted.

[–]hufflepuff-poet 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Usually I'd agree that they're not lesbians but this was in college and the women I'm thinking of now have changed their tunes and wouldn't be with a man because it disgusts them, they were newly out and hadn't been with women yet. I think they just had to grow up and get more comfortable with themselves and their sexuality to admit that they only wanted women and not hide behind playing at heterosexuality.

I think lesbians have so much pressure to "try men out and give him a chance" (all women deal with that pressure, it's just even worse for lesbians cus there is no right guy for us and never will be) it can take awhile to reject that bullshit and accept yourself. There's a reason so many lesbians come out later than gay men, we aren't really given space to figure out our desires and what feels good vs what doesn't. I try to give younger lesbians grace in their coming out journey and not shut them down, though I do always tell them lesbians don't do dick and we shouldn't be expected to.

It's cool that you've never had any doubt! I admire that so much in other lesbians, that confidence is rare and getting rarer among Gen Z lesbians. How long have you been out?

[–]jay-dayGold Star Gay Woman[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I don't think pressure from society will make lesbians say or do stuff like that. Your friends just seem like their bi. I really think we need to stop letting this stuff slide, experiencing homophobia doesn't mean they can be homophobic. When we let this stuff slide they just continue it. They were in college so they were adults, they had all that time to figure it out.

I've been out since 15, never was attracted to or was comfortable with the idea of being with men before that, never been attracted to men or have been comfortable with the idea of being with men afterwards. I didn't need to figure out I didn't like them, it's just how I've always felt.

[–]Athelhilda4Questioning 12 insightful - 2 fun12 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

I’m pretty sure bisexual women don’t lay back and think of England while having sex with a man, aren’t disgusted by penis, don’t have to get black out drunk in order to go through with sleeping with a man, or disassociate from being with a man.