However, one of my coworkers (J) clued me in on something that just has me fucking livid. He was talking to one of our coworkers (S), and somehow I came up in conversation, and S -- who's a cis lesbian, and always been very friendly and nice to me -- starts on how I "was such a cute girl", misgendering me, and calling me an it. J was having none of it and straight up told her, "That's disrespectful as fuck, you know he's a boy" and S starts saying "I don't give a fuck" and completely dismissing it. J doesn't take any of it and starts cursing her out, and ends up getting sent home as a result. I swear, I'd kill for J too -- he, like my one manager, has been a steadfast ally, and is overall a sweetheart. (Another coworker who had been working that day confirmed this happened too.)

J told me that he wanted me to know in case S tried to act friendly with me; he didn't feel comfortable knowing how two-faced she was and leaving me in the dark, especially with how aggressive her transphobia was. I didn't tell J (I did tell the manager I trust though), but this isn't the first time I've dealt with cis lesbians' bullshit. Both in person and over the internet I've been told I'm a "cute butch" and that I'm "ruining my body" and it'd be "so much better" if I "stayed a girl" (I've also had this said to me by one or two trans women, but never to my face, and they both had a lot of internalized transphobia; the overwhelming majority of people that do this have been cis women that identify as lesbians, thus the distinction.)

Internalized misogyny and homophobia out the wazzoo, all the forgiveness and second chances for straight men larping as women. But actual lesbian women get nothing but vitriol and hatred. FtMs are the ultimate handmaidens, they hate women so much, they'd rather destroy themselves than admit they are women.

The harassment alone makes me furious, but on top of all of that I've had, on more than one occasion, been sexually assaulted by these same people, and when I panic I either fight or freeze. With women, I tend to freeze, because I'm terrified of being a shitty dude that hits women. I know out of the situation that me shoving away someone that's touching me without my consent isn't on par with that dickhead that hits a woman who rejects his advances, but it's a panic response. I can't exactly control it easily.

I told my trusted manager about this, and she said she'd talk to J too (to get his side of the story), but I'm at the point that I want S fired because I don't feel safe at work now. *One of my coworkers needed a ride to work today and while getting ready to go pick her up, all I could think about was *"what if S is there? What if I have to see her?" -- to the point that I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. The thought of having to face her makes me extremely anxious because I literally cannot trust that what's happened in the past won't happen again. I even checked the schedule to make sure she and I didn't have any overlaps in our scheduled times. The thought of her looking at me and seeing me as a "cute girl" makes my stomach churn, even past the massive dysphoria it causes me.

How do these people exist in the world. The emotional weakness is deeply unattractive and frankly pathetic. She wants to punish and physically hurt another woman for disagreeing with her. Misogynistic, homophobic piece of shit, I hope she enjoys her life of delusions once the cards come crashing down and she has to face reality.