LifestyleAm I being a hypocrite by advocating for GNC Gay men to not "transition" when I have trouble in my own life as a GNC gay man?

submitted by Kai_Decadence from self.LGBDropTheT

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[–]JoeyJoeJoe 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Sounds a lot like you're prioritising the perceptions of others over being authentic & true to yourself.... which is a recipe for misery no matter what your stripes are.

[–]Kai_Decadence[S] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

You're probably right. At the end of the day I am staying true to myself despite my hardships but i have to admit that some of the negative can enter my mind.

[–]IridescentAnacondastrictly dickly 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I have a bit of a different, and potentially unpopular take. First, just to get this out of the way: you are who you are, and in no way do I think you need to project energy that you are not comfortable with, so if you are a feminine man, that's OK. However: I don't think clothes and other material trappings are ultimately an essential part of anyone's true / authentic self. They are simply tools to move through the world as effortlessly as possible. What I am perceiving in your post is that you are not moving through the world effortlessly. So my question to you is, might it be possible to modulate your self expression in a way that puts others more at ease? Please understand, I am not asking you to change essential parts of your core self, rather to question whether outer manifestations are really that essential.

I'm actually a rather eccentric person, a fact which I only slowly revealed to my husband over time. He is of course used to it now (or stuck with it, lol). But if I had revealed it all at once, I doubt he would have stuck around. [Side note: every so often I do or say something that causes Husband to stare at me blankly, blink a couple of times, and then say "I LOVE you", which I understand to mean "you are a crazy motherfucker and I guess I'm stuck with you."] My point is that it is possible to be strategic in how one reveals ones inner self to the outer world.

Edit: I hasten to add, I don't think you are being a hypocrite. I do think that you could potentially operate more strategically to get more of what you need from the world.

[–]Kai_Decadence[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

So my question to you is, might it be possible to modulate your self expression in a way that puts others more at ease? Please understand, I am not asking you to change essential parts of your core self, rather to question whether outer manifestations are really that essential.

So in other words, start styling myself more like a masculine man. My answer to that is I just don't want to do that because i have no interest in fashiion styles coded as masculine. Part of the reason why I started looking more androgynous is because I always thought masculine fashion was so boring and how I was stuck looking that way until I got to my senior year in high school. I always thought feminine fashion was so much more fun, experimental, and tons of options to choose from. And the other part was seeing how tomboys looked the way they wanted to regardless of society saying they need to embrace femininity.

I understand that this is seen as selfish but I mean, it's not like there is anything fundamentally inappropriate with the way I style myself. I don't dress like an AGP for example and most of the time I'm covered head to toe unless I'm at the gym and even then, I try to dress within my realm.

On the point about how you met your husband, I think it's very different when it comes to gender nonconforming men and I've seen that it can lead to problems when a feminine gnc gay man pretends to be masculine (whether in personality, style, and/or both) and then slowly start unraveling their true selves via becoming more feminine and how the partner gets very turned off and frustrated. I remember years ago reading on gay forums and how a popular topic was "My boyfriend is becoming more fem and I'm not attracted to it" and other similar sentiments. So for me personally, I'd rather just be myself upfront instead of sprining it on a guy who I essentially lure in and trick who I'll risk running into problems with when my true self starts slipping out.

So honestly, as hard as my life can be being the way I am, I guess this is just something I have to push through. There's not much template to follow since there are hardly any older feminine gender nonconforming men out there but where there's a will, there's a way and like I said, I'd rather kill myself going out knowing that I did live my life on my terms then change myself and be internally miserable. If women were able to get to a point where it's not seen as a big deal for them to appear any way they like and it's not seen as a big deal anymore, so can men.

[–]IridescentAnacondastrictly dickly 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I'm not suggesting that you totally remake yourself into a leather queen. But I'm wondering if you can adapt what you're doing more to contextual factors? Yes, it may be boring. But sometimes boring is a means to an end. (I have a career that most people think is boring, but it also pays really really well and gives me freedom in other areas.) Also, I'm not suggesting wholesale change, black vs. white, night vs. day. Rather, modulation, and careful assessment of what is really working for you.

I am a big advocate of distinguishing private from public self (or more accurately private and public selves). Strangers don't need to know everything about you. And I do know feminine men who are happily partnered. Probably you don't see role models because older feminine men are a bit more subtle. The sentiment you describe, "my boyfriend is becoming more fem and I'm not attracted to it", is an expression of immaturity. Mature relationships leave a lot of room for the other person to be who they are. My husband has some interests that most people would describe as feminine (also a few that some would describe as uber masculine). People are complex.

I don't think you're being selfish. I do think there may be an attachment to modalities that are not serving your larger interests. Am I advocating being "fake"? A little bit. We all wear masks. If you can accept this about human relationships, and can become secure in distinguishing the mask(s) from the core self, I think you will be able to have more control over your social reality.