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[–]yousaythosethingsFind and Replace "gatekeeping" with "having boundaries" 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I think for most people the split attraction model is more likely to lead to rationalizing away cognitive dissonance that shouldn't be rationalized. This was my personal experience. I think the concept of "demisexuality" is also relevant here.

In my personal experience when I heard of split attraction and demisexuality, I thought that maybe I was demisexual, heteroromantic and bisexual, though I never outwardly identified as such. I never internally identified as anything other than "not straight" and never outwardly identified as anything. I did not wanted to spend any time thinking about or discussing my sexual orientation or have anyone question it because I was aware that it was a house of cards I did not want to touch and blow up my life. I would be the last person trying to learn the ins and outs of sexual orientation. I wanted an out, not a real answer because I was not ready for that answer.

My logic of thinking I could be demisexual, heteroromantic, and bisexual was that I found it hard (read: impossible) to be physically attracted to men. I was closer to neutral about them than actively repulsed. I also never could or did imagine myself in a relationship with a woman, and in fact I didn't meet an out lesbian or bisexual woman until I was 25 and not until I was 26 did I meet one who was in a relationship with another woman at the time, and that wasn't really a relationship I had a line of sight into.

When I finally could see for my very own eyes a relationship between two women, it flipped a switch in me. Everything I never wanted to address all came flooding out and suddenly everything made sense. The easiest thing for me to recognize had been my sexual attraction to women. This was ubiquitous in my life and I had been aware of this since I was a teenager. I was only attracted to female celebrities, I spent a lot of time thinking about how attractive other women I knew in real life were, how they made me feel, and would distance myself from them every time I felt my feelings for them were getting too real and strong (aka the romantic interest in them I refused to recognize because it would topple my world). I rationalized never feeling that way toward men with the concept of "demisexuality," but I always assumed I could be attracted to men. In reality I only assumed I could be because that was the norm, everyone else expected me to be, and because of the societal benefits of such a relationship. I didn't really date, but ended up in one relationship with a man who still remains the most solid human being I've ever known. We had a very close bond and friendship, and were able to continue this after our divorce because my love for him has always been platonic. I was not repulsed by him so I figured this was demisexuality. I would often look at him and reflect on the fact that I wasn't actually physically attracted to him. That made me feel bad, but it also felt shallow to put too much emphasis on physical attraction, and it felt almost noble to ignore that. When I left and finally got to start kissing and having sex with women, the difference was so abundantly clear it was ridiculous.

I think people put too much stock in a way of thinking that encourages dissociation and disregards social influence. Some people want to be subversive. Some people just want to be normal. I was the latter and rationalizing away my nature. Even sadder, since coming out I feel like I inherited the burden of gender identity ideology, and had I known how fucked it would be to navigate this world as an out lesbian, that certainly would have only encouraged me to stay dissociated from my nature. I think the model also encourages unicorn hunting and treating women like sex objects and giving unicorn hunters the protections of calling themselves "LGBTQ" when they're not attracted to women, but rather to taboo, sexually enticing men, and the idea of a woman being attracted to them.

[–]PenseePansyBio-Sex or Bust 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Somehow I'm only reading this now, months after the fact... but it's so moving (and so perceptive), s/yousaythosethings, that I felt like I just had to respond anyway.

I'm so glad that you managed to find your way through this fucking obstacle course that society set up to prevent you from knowing who you really were. And so sad that it took so long... that you were forced to spend all that time, make all those unnecessary detours... and so angry that this was done to you, to ANYONE, in the first place.

My story is similar, maybe, even if the components are not (abusive childhood that left me with PTSD and internally alienated from myself + having a sexual orientation that's still largely regarded as not even real)... and, unlike you, I'm not out of the woods yet. Still hacking my way through with a machete. But I hope to come out on the other side someday soon :)

[–]yousaythosethingsFind and Replace "gatekeeping" with "having boundaries" 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I was eager to find out what I wrote 2 months ago that apparently had an impact! I share with you the experience of having an abusive childhood that left me with complex PTSD. I'm working on unpacking a lot of it now in therapy and it's made me realize how much avoidance and denial have featured in various aspects of my life including figuring out my sexual orientation (or rather in not figuring it out until I did). But don't cry for me Argentina. I'm not angry about the way things worked out for me. In the grand scheme of things, my adult life has been quite good. And I tend to be forward looking. I do get wistful sometimes about experiences I missed out on and what could have been, but I do generally accept that I figured it out when I was meant to and that I don't think it could have happened any other way for me. I also think my reasons for taking so long were more personal than societal though certainly both were in the mix. I hope you find your way out of the woods soon. You have such a strong presence of mind and clarity of thought that I'm sure you're well on your way. I think when you're bisexual it may sometimes take longer if you're like me and prone to avoidance and denial because bisexuality has a built-in quiet room that you can perhaps stay in indefinitely.

[–]PenseePansyBio-Sex or Bust 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Hope I didn't disappoint :) Though I do apologize for somehow not considering the possibility that one of the obstacles in your path might be the same as mine... still so accustomed to seeing myself as "abnormal" compared to everyone else (even though I should know better) that this often just doesn't occur to me. Old habits die hard I guess.

All of which is to say... are you me? :) Yeah: life shaped by avoidance, denial, and C-PTSD here, too. Also crippling self-hatred and the certainty that everyone else will hate me at least as much. Both of which seem to have particularly impacted my sexuality. So, like you, I think that the problems I've had there are more personal than societal, though the former made me hypersensitive to the latter (didn't dare risk disapproval, even when I had zero respect for the reason or the source).

But we've also got this in common: having found effective therapy to deal with these issues. And making progress there. Which I hope will ultimately outweigh all the rest.

You're very wise, "Evita" :) Probably a lot more than me. So I particularly cherish your kind words. As well as your own strong presence of mind and clarity of thought, so often on display here in this sub.

I'm glad that we're both finding ourselves, despite the forces that stood in our way. And that we both found each other, too :)