Anyone else struggle with their sexuality growing up?

I was seen as a str8 girl growing up by those around me and I hated it.

Before I knew what the word trans was but still felt the feelings.

I use to want to so badly be attracted to women. It's embarrassing but I felt if I could be with a woman, that I'd get to be seen as masculine and be that way in the relationship as well as sexually.

That's if I was in a lesbian relationship... but i didn't feel comfortable with even being a lesbian if I had any sort of attraction to women, which I don't.

I know my thinking wasn't very right of me either but I was dumb!

Now I realize because it had everything to do with gender not my sexuality.

Sometimes I'd wish str8 women would see me as a man and fall for me which never happened, obviously.

I'd fantasize even though I had no attraction.

I looked 100 percent female too so they'd never see me as a man.

I tried dating women and it was awful. I just had no attraction to them and I felt terrible for leading them on. I'd eventually break it off.

It tortured me for a long long time this sick sick feeling. I would question if I'm bi even if I knew the answer which was no!

I avoided men and dating wasn't really a thing for me.

Men who wanted me wanted me to submit and play the role. I remember this stalker guy was upset with me because I cut my hair. He freaked out.

The thought of sex as a str8 women just repulsed me even if it did turn me on.

I've avoided sex but done oral because at least I was pleasing the guy.

I had a dude break up with me cos he desperately wanted to stick it in and I kept only giving him oral. I wouldn't even really let him touch me down there or my chest.

Very uncomfortable for me.

I put on girly clothes and men would stare at me or flock to me at the club. I've had men fight over me and yes they were in a drunk state but like 3 guys on me at the club.

I felt so uncomfortable that I had to be female to get male attention just made me sick.

Putting on female clothes and make up felt like an obligation, never a true desire. Do it for men and for my mother who always judges me on my appearance ans femininity.

A lot of cis girls will say, "how dare you! I wear girly shit for me! Not men!"

Well I'm not cis but I dressed for men only and for others. Never myself.

It made me want to say, no I'm not attracted to men and honestly just die.

It just has felt so suffocating and even now as I'm not out, my parents tell me when am I gonna get a boyfriend as a cis female.

I use to lash out when people said to me, are you gonna get a boyfriend or do you have one? They assumed I was a str8 girl.

I'd get defensive and say, "ew no."

It's at the point I think my parents think I am a lesbian cos all I ever do is say no thanks or ew when they mention boys loool.

When I realized I was a gay trans man, it was like a relief. Like... it's so hard to describe but like a weight was lifted and replaced with "I finally feel right. I finally feel like this is my sexuality and I'm comfortable."

Like i have waited all my life to accept my sexuality and here it is.

I don't have to fight my feelings when I fall for men. I don't have to hide it. I can appreciate the male form now and love it.

I don't feel jealous either which I felt so jealous over str8 men.

Now I love saying I'm gay and it's OK because in a gay relationship we are both MEN.

Yes I capitalized it!

I'm so much happier and the sickness I feel is only brought up when my parents mention getting as husband or boyfriend. I'm on T but I'm not out.

Please no one judge me. I just have felt this all my life and I wondered if I'm not alone. As twisted and weird it may sound.