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[–]szalinskikidproblematic androphile 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I was an extraordinarily big/tall boy in kindergarden and school until puberty. I mean two heads bigger and twice as wide. Very early on, I learned that appearance leads to people having certain expectations of you, and if you don't meet those expectations people are constantly disappointed and even weirded out because there's "something off". And you begin to believe that something's wrong with you, too.

When people heard my soft voice, learned that I liked to have my hair long, saw my timid nature or that I was afraid of the other boys, or witnessed me playing with non-masculine toys instead of beating up smaller kids, they oftentimes voiced their confusion. Adults were actually disappointed that I didn't bully other kids and liked to watch The little Mermaid instead, let that sink in! They let me know that how I looked and how I was acting didn't match up. They pointed out that me playing the soprano flute or holding a little pen and drawing a fairy looked ridiculous. They were angry at me for letting other kids steal my chair or toy, instead of helping me. They treated me differently.

I was never truly "dysphoric" because of that, but I still felt wrong and oftentimes wished to be born a small girl so that expectations and appearance are in sync again, in the opinion of other people. Mostly so that other people would treat me how I wanted/needed to be treated: with respect, with care, with love. If I had to point at one thing that messed with me the most, then it would be the adults' disappointment with me and their (passive) aggressive response to my character. It wasn't my peers asking me if I was a boy or a girl (which was hurtful/stressful, too), it was mostly the adult reaction that profoundly confused me and made me feel insecure. And I think we don't have to overcompensate instead and celebrate everything GNC. Just... let's not point things our kids do out as unusual or special behaviour. Let's not single them out and assign a "GNC identity" to them and treat them differently. Just being calm and fair and supportive of a kid's character is enough I think. No hobby or toy or superficial appearance is gender-locked.

[–]Q-Continuum-kin 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I was always small and as a kid I actually took pride in using people's assumptions about me in the reverse. I learned that in any physical activity I was severely underestimated and was able to use this against people because they let their guard down so I was able to outcompete them in a 1v1.

I know some people have the opposite experience as you where they want to be big and strong but aren't. I used it in a different way but I fully recognize that I was a really weird child in my ability to be self aware and that isn't going to work for most children.

I hope that perhaps there's a way to teach self awareness to children that the gender boxes don't matter.

My tendency to hide my mental and physical ability wasn't all positive either. I would let other kids around me fail repeatedly by not helping or revealing ways to do things because I wanted to keep the solution in my back pocket so that i could win later. I wouldn't want to teach that aspect to children.

[–]reluctant_commenter[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I'm sorry people had those expectations of you for so long, that's ridiculous BS. Thanks for sharing your story.

Just... let's not point things our kids do out as unusual or special behaviour. Let's not single them out and assign a "GNC identity" to them and treat them differently.

That's a good observation to make. In a similar vein, I think "GNC" can be a useful term when it's just descriptive, not prescriptive-- not when it's suggesting that a kid should be acting one way or another.

Just being calm and fair and supportive of a kid's character is enough I think. No hobby or toy or superficial appearance is gender-locked.

I think this is probably the best solution in the long run, but I do think that it can be useful to use the phrase "GNC" when discussing why someone is treating a GNC kid differently. For myself when I was growing up, the fact that I seemed to act and look differently was just a facet of reality. Maybe the important part is emphasizing that yes, these "differences" in behavior/dress/mannerisms/whatever may exist, but they really are kind of superficial and not important at the end of the day; at the end of the day, we are all human and have worth, and are unique individuals.