ColonizationStraight men realize they're straight before they realize they can force themselves on lesbians? (Did I get it right?)

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[–][deleted] 30 insightful - 3 fun30 insightful - 2 fun31 insightful - 3 fun -  (1 child)

They do treat lesbian porn addiction as if it's a diagnostic tool for trans women, because that's totally not something that's made specifically for straight men or anything.

[–]onenaivecanary 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

FOR REAL. I will believe you're a woman and a lesbian if you can also see that this was made for men. The fact that so many prominent TW activists can't is really insane to me.

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (8 children)

I know someone whose boyfriend decided he's a girl recently.

He has done NOTHING to prove this to anyone including the hairy chest and the five o'clock shadow and otherwise keeping his appearance exactly the same as before. I always thought he was an arrogant, whiny, snarky prick who talked down to other people. Surprise surprise. His significant other looks pained, anxious, and like she's trying to make the best of it. I didn't like him before...now I really don't like him. I see her suffering.

[–]MBMayfair 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

Poor thing. If you're close enough to her and feel comfortable doing so, maybe let her know she can talk to you? Or is there anyone else who can fill that role of sounding board? I'm just hoping she'll have someone who can counteract all the gaslighting she's about to have thrown at her.

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

I think about that regularly. We share a social circle full of progressive spineless people, some of whom I know for sure would try to smear me if she disclosed that I'd offered. For that matter I don't know where her head actually is, I just know she looks burdened regularly. So I'm not even sure it's safe for me to say something. Still thinking about it.

[–]MBMayfair 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Sounds like you could use some new friends, friend.

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I think she needs them more than I do. That's just my most annoying social circle, for reasons. But they are the ones she would disclose to, if she was offended that I showed concern.

There has to be a plausibly-deniable way to show concern that is read as concern but also doesn't inspire some sort of backlash. I hate what a minefield this is.

But she's also an adult and can tell him to take a hike if she doesn't like being in Topsy Turvy Land with him. But I have a bad feeling he's the sole wage earner. So it might not be that simple for her. She's smart, but also tries to keep her head down and get along with people. Someday she'll get over that. Perhaps he'll help her see the need to do so. :-/

Some days, I wonder if "I'm trans now" is just a narcissistic abuser's trap for their partner, since if she dares to leave she's a transphobe and must be rendered unemployed and homeless and vilified.

[–]MBMayfair 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

{sigh} Yeah, if she's that treacherous (as to how easily she could turn on you if you expressed concern over the "wrong" thing), best to be wary. Sometimes friends just have to figure things out on their own, even if it hurts to watch. 🤷‍♀️

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yes. I've had to let a few do their own learning before.

[–]our_team_is_winning 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I see her suffering.

You need to help her recite a line, the way an acting coach might. "You, SIR, are an asshole. Goodbye."

she's trying to make the best of it.

Maybe not even "goodbye." Maybe ESAD. Then exit.

Nothing an abuser loves more than a victim who takes the abuse. PLEASE let her leave!

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

See my other comments. As far as I know she does not have her own income. Yet.

[–]ChunkeeguyTeam T*RF Fuck Yeah 7 insightful - 5 fun7 insightful - 4 fun8 insightful - 5 fun -  (7 children)

Dear god, what sort of fucked up fetish do the women who cling to these freaks have. That one wouldn't pass on a dark night in an underground crypt.

[–]our_team_is_winning 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

what sort of fucked up fetish do the women who cling to these freaks have

I never thought of it that way before. Wow. That really opens my eyes. It's not just the man who has his sissy sick fetish going. The female partner here could well have her own fetish about this. Now I feel really ill.

[–]ChunkeeguyTeam T*RF Fuck Yeah 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It's possible they are just victims of the men's narcissism like a lot of trans widows but some of them seem very enthusiastic partners in the delusion, so...

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Don't assume it's a fetish, it could simply be poorly-conceived and enforced boundaries. If you have never been in a relationship with a narcissistic abuser before it's hard to understand how much they can wear a person down and fuck with their head. Even strong, smart people are targets. More so, according to some perspectives, because it is more satisfying to tear them down. Assume you don't know the whole story when looking at this kind of entanglement.

[–]our_team_is_winning 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

There are way too many people out there with a giant V for victim tattooed on their foreheads. HOW do we train people early on to stand up for themselves and not be bullied like this? Learning to say NO needs to start early. Also, learning to ask "what's in it for me?" when entering and maintaining a relationship. If all that's in it is abuse for someone, end it. If you're not trapped financially, by a child/pet, or by violence, leave. Narcissists seek out the weak, so everyone needs to learn strength as soon as they can talk.

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

As I just noted, and it's important to hear this: Narcissists can and will seek out the strong.

It isn't enough to be strong. As you noted, and I will note more specifically, there are some very particular red flags that go along with narcissistic abuse that must be learned in order to spot it in a timely fashion, i.e. before it becomes brain worms and your own psychological well-being starts to deteriorate. It isn't a generic thing about knowing how to say no, though obviously that is part of it.

It's about informing your threat detection systems and trusting them. This is not easy to learn.

Nor can one or two articles like this cover it, but it's way better than nothing for anyone new to these behavior patterns:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201709/how-spot-narcissistic-abuse

https://www.insider.com/strengths-narcissists-target-in-their-victims-2018-6

It takes practice. Unfortunately the opportunities will be there, because evidently these people are everywhere now.

[–]our_team_is_winning 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Thanks for the links. This is a skill everyone needs to develop now that the internet has spawned an army of narcissists.

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yes.