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[–]CaptainMooseEx-Bathhouse Employee 27 insightful - 1 fun27 insightful - 0 fun28 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Back when I used to do drag I was told by a HSTS prostitute that I would eventually transition. This guy goes back and forth between living as a "woman" who is disgusted with gay men to being a gay man who hates other gay men because of how ungrateful we are for all he's done for that city's LGBT community as a drag performer (despite the fact that he is a crackhead whose behaviour pretty much sank attendance to the one gay bar until it closed). He was kind of right- I did develop gender dysphoria and considered myself "non-binary" for a while. However, I realized it was a quarter life crisis because of how badly I wanted to perform mixed with the reality of my life and working 7 nights a week and watching my 20s go by.

[–]xanditAGAB (Assigned Gay at Birth) 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

How would you describe your dysphoric feelings?

[–]CaptainMooseEx-Bathhouse Employee 19 insightful - 1 fun19 insightful - 0 fun20 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

A lot of distress over my body and this clawing anxiety that I was losing time each passing night I worked. I wanted my body to be both masculine and feminine. I didn't want surgery (except to fix parts of my face that I would want to change regardless) or hormones because I just wanted to exist naturally. I was shaving my legs, which gave me some relief because it was a physical action I could see myself accomplish when I did it. I grew my hair out, but it became too inconvenient to take care of because of my work schedule so I had it all chopped off. I also hated having to wear suits and dress shirts to work (I still hate them because they are too heavy and the collars of dress shirts choke me out). What's wild is that years earlier I was sporting a goatee and was comfortable and proud of that.

It's weird to describe desisting, but chopping the hair off was like a reverse Samson moment. I got a lot of clarity in just letting go and being practical. I started coming to terms with unresolved traumas, the fact that I didn't feel agency over my body because of my work and living situations at the time (this was pre-bathhouse), and ending up moving cities and growing my beard and body hair back out. I junked all my makeup and drag stuff (should have sold it, honestly), paid off my debt, and having just been coasting through the pandemic working toward new goals and asserting my agency in various ways that can't be taken from me.