I really empathize with you Kai, I understand what you're going through with feeling like your friends/peers don't understand and being alone. For me it was different reasons, but I've also voluntarily and involuntarily become more isolated over the years because of my beliefs.

You mentioned being shy and anxious growing up, and I getcha. Shy/anxious/depressed just about my entire life. I was also drawn to alternative communities as a result: nerds, goths, alt rockers, etc. I've cycled through many different understandings of who I am and what I want, and different groups that seemed to express it that I could be a part of ... and I've always found myself alone at the end of the day, and questioning what I could have done to change things.

Loneliness is really hard to feel and live with, and worms into our brains in some very insidious ways. I do want you to know you're not alone in that though, I hear what you're saying and have felt it too.

I don't know if you want advice/experience, or a friendly shoulder to lean on and get it all out, so I won't share more if you don't want it. I just really wanted to let you know that I'm here and I hear you, and I hope you hang on through the hurt and pain, and I believe in you coming out better on the other side. For whatever it's worth, I want you to stay and be here.