I was in high school in the 2000s. At that time my mind was preoccupied by more pressing things due to my bad home life, but I had some awareness of the fact that I was attracted to girls/women, but never really dreamed of pursuing it. I couldn’t imagine myself dating anyone of any sex at the time.

No one was out in my high school. But I could sense from the way we interacted with each other that one of my friends was gay. Also the fact that he had Eva Longoria up on his bedroom wall as a pin-up, and that was a super random woman to lust after IMO. 😂 Anyway, I casually brought up that I was attracted to girls/women or at least believed I could be. I don’t remember my phrasing but I brought up the Kinsey Scale which I had heard about and said I thought I could be a 1 or a 2. He said he was relieved to hear me say this because he felt similarly toward men. We didn’t call each ourselves or each other gay, bisexual, or straight. Just talked in factual terms.

Through a lot of cognitive dissonance, a poor mind-body connection and lack of representation of gay women like me, I did fail to connect my feelings to actually being gay. I had a crush on a girl who would become one of my best friends but I didn’t realize that’s what I was feeling. I also had my own pin-up of the model Tasha Tilberg who I constantly talked about being the being the hottest woman ever. My dumb ass didn’t even realize she was openly gay.

Basically, I constantly said and did the gayest shit and no one ever really called me out on it and was like “um what’s going on here?” On the bright side, I was never bullied for being suspected of being gay. I was for being awkward and self-conscious though and for my body being very thin and boyish.

And I don’t think this just was because I was gay but I always struggled to relate to people. I was very intimidated by girls and had zero interest hanging out with most men. It’s funny now because I have a lot more confidence since coming out as gay. I also no longer feel weird around guys because I’m not putting pressure on myself to find them attractive. At the time, I was so weirded out by the idea of dating men. I didn’t go to my senior prom because based on my friends’ plans I felt like I had to go with a guy and I couldn’t stomach that. It felt very wrong and unappealing. Junior prom was fun because I just went with my (almost entirely) female friends.

Overall, my gay experience was non-existent. I had a very opposite experience from my girlfriend who was constantly making out with and hooking up with girls since middle school. Part of it though is that she was visibly gay so every gay/bi girl would reveal themselves to her. At one point she was even in in-patient treatment for an eating disorder and hooking up with her roommate regularly. I thought “How in the actual hell?” Apparently that girl just said one night, “Can I get in your bed with you?” Or something like that and it became a regular thing. Absolutely no one has ever been that forward with me or ever talked to me assuming I was gay. She was also on a million sports teams which included many other gay girls, so that also provided a lot of opportunities I did not have as a non-athlete.