Gay MenBeing a Gender Critical Feminine Gay Man (Difficulty, feeling alone)

submitted by Kai_Decadence from self.LGBDropTheT

I guess this is more of a little vent more than anything but I just had to get this off my chest because this has been getting to me for a few weeks now. As a Feminine, "Gender nonconforming" gay man who is pretty Gender Critical and doesn't buy into the Trans ideology, I can't help but feel a little lonely in this battle against sanity.

My mind is kinda all over the place about this but I'm gonna try to be coherent with it but I apologize if this post comes off awkwardly. Anyway I think that when it comes to feminine gay men in the gay world, feminine men are pretty looked down upon. We are considered the least attractive as dating prospects and a lot of gay men can even have negative opinions about us, especially if we dress nonconforming (i.e not masculine). Couple that with how society at large views femininity in men as unacceptable, it just leads to a very difficult life and because of this, it's not surprising how some... A LOT (to be honest) of feminine gay men will buy into the Trans narrative of themselves being women because they think that it'll mean they'll have an easier life and will be accepted for love and society.

But then there's me, a guy who sees right through this nonsense and how fucked up the situation is. That society at large would sooner accept (at least on the surface) a deluded man who thinks he's a woman instead of a sane man who just happens to like being feminine. That essentially society is hoping that these deluded men will bring themselves to an early grave because we know the truth about the drugs and surgeries that they put into this trans stuff. How the drugs will eventually make the individual suffer from things like blood clots, increased risk of cardiovascular problems, strokes, osteoporosis, increased cholesterol levels, increased risk of breast cancer, and Genital complications (if they get their penis inverted). In short, it's a road to being a lifelong patient all for the sake of chasing a goal that is obtainable because you cannot change your sex.

But I feel so alone in this fight. In the gay world, so many Gay men buy into this or rather, they just go along with it so they don't feel ashamed or bad for not being interested in feminine men because in their mind, it makes sense why they wouldn't be interested in feminine men because feminine men are just women and according to them, being gay is about being attracted to masculinity. Of course it's bullshit though because as soon as you turn it on them and ask them why they don't date or sex trans-identified women ("Transmen"), the excuses come pouring out unless they are bisexuals who call themselves gay. But what's really getting to me is when I see other Feminine gay men buy into this trans narrative. I hear their stories and they're living a difficult live as a feminine man. How their love life is borderline non-existent, they may not have many if any friends, and their families don't always accept them. And so they think that "transing" is gonna give them a new lease on life, that they'll finally be accepted and feel justified in being their "true self" while not giving up their interest in femininity.

And I look at this and I think it's sad. I know it's wrong. I know it's bullshit ("Transwomen are women"). I truly do believe that we should be pushing for acceptance of gender nonconformity but this is where the dilemma comes up.

I know in my heart that I'm not crazy and that transgenderism is a lie but then I look on how my life is. I turn 30 this year and so far in lifeI have no love life, never been in a relationship ever, don't have friends (people I actually see in real life), my family does not approve of the way I am ("Why can't you dress like a man" is one I've heard a bit), whenever I'm out in public I get stares and some people even move away from me even when I'm just being my quiet self, I can tell my coworkers can find me odd (especially my male coworkers), and just overall, I admit that I do feel lonely. I try to keep a positive outlook on things but sometimes my loneliness does sneak up on me.

The point is. I go on and on about how being a feminine man, especially a feminine Gay men is really not a big deal. That is doesn't have to be the end all, be all and that you can go on and life a fulfilling life but then people can pry into my own life and see how isolating it can really be and think I'm some sort of hypocrite. I truly do feel in my heart of hearts that there's absolutely nothing wrong with being a feminine man but I also have to be real in saying that depending on the person, it can lead to an isolated lifestyle. And unfortunately there aren't many prominent feminine gay men out in the public eye to see as an example of a feminine man carrying on with age.

So when I see so many Gay men onboard with this trans stuff, I feel even more alone in this, especially when there aren't any other feminine gay men who are on my side. This last feminine gay man I talked with and tried to give him confidence to live as a feminine man, he "transed" out a few days ago. It's like I'm fighting against a tide and no matter what, no one really listens to me but then I can't really blame them because I don't really have anything to show in my life that is a positive except for my own inner self confidence in my being.

Anyway I'm done rambling. I hope what I said made sense. I just don't know how to feel about this. I want to keep fighting against this trans madness, I really do. But when it feels like you're the only feminine gay GNC man who's speaking out against this, it makes me feel like my words are useless...

🌟 𝐓𝐋;𝐃𝐑 ~ Being a Feminine, Gender Nonconforming Gay man who speaks out against the Trans ideology feels so isolating and lonely when many other Gay men buy into it. And it can feel even worse when your own life is really lonesome because of being GNC and how it could affect everyone around you which leads to a lot of rejection from society, family, etc for being a feminine, GNC man and that "transing" yourself is the path to true acceptance.

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[–]artemisiagrey 22 insightful - 1 fun22 insightful - 0 fun23 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

As a gender non-conforming lesbian (who also grew up in the goth scene!), I get it. For a while there it looked like gender stereotypes were slowly being broken down. Now we're back where we started.

Knowing now that we've gone backwards and everything I went through would be interpreted as 'I'm really just a man' is so messed up. It feels like erasure of gender non-conforming experiences.

It took me years to finally get to a place where I could accept myself as a masculine woman. There are still days where I feel uncomfortable being myself in public. It's a process. But I am happier now, which is something.

Honestly, I don't know if any of this actually helps, but I do hear what you are saying. You're not alone in this.

[–]Kai_Decadence[S] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Thank you for sharing your experience, it really does help! And yeah, I mean I do feel comfortable in the sense that even though I can be negatively perceived by the world around me when I'm out in public, I feel confident in how I look and I'm happy I'm being true to myself in that regard. It's just that sometimes it can be lonely when I can't find others like me but especially with the gender critical stuff.

[–]artemisiagrey 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I know what you mean. I have a friend who's gay but thinks he's doing the right thing by being supportive of all this nonsense. I know his heart is in the right place and hope he'll see what's going on eventually. I also know women who are gender critical but they're very straight and feminine so they don't get some of the things that get to me sometimes. I'm used to that by now though. I would love to meet a fellow LGB who's also gc in person someday.

[–]Kai_Decadence[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Exactly. And for some Gays and Lesbians who are rolling themselves over for the Trans nonsense thinking that they're doing the right thing, I get it because I was like that too until I really took a hard look at the ideology and how it was actually all a lie and negatively impacting women's rights and sanctions as well as being a sort of covert gay erasure.

I'm just waiting for the day whee some sort of Trans nonsensical event truly peaks a lot of people to see it for what it really is.

[–]PenseePansyBio-Sex or Bust 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Totally OT of course, but can I just say what a lovely username you have? "Artemisia" is one of my all-time favorite female names, and it pairs beautifully with "Grey". So evocative, elegant, and poetic! Sounds like my dream girlfriend :)

[–]SerpensInferna 18 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 0 fun19 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Your words aren't useless. Thank you for sharing this here, because I'm sure there are other people out there who are feeling the same way and find it comforting to read your words.

At least here you are among similar-minded folks. It may be a cold comfort but the world we are in right now provides instant communication and more isolation than we've ever known before, so sometimes boards like these are all we have.

[–]Kai_Decadence[S] 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I totally understand that and I'm grateful this place exists. I guess I just wish I could run into more gay men who don't buy into the trans lie, especially more feminine gay men.

[–]SerpensInferna 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I understand - it's been very hard to find women who don't buy into it either. Lesbians are already a rare species, let alone with this gender fluid and non-binary nonsense. It's so hard to wrap my mind around how so many people are so easily influenced. I wish for better days ahead.

[–]Kai_Decadence[S] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I'm sorry to hear that it hasn't been better on the woman front but I'm not surprised, it's been the same on my end as well with women. It's just sad... Because it makes you not even want to try to converse with people IRL because you're not sure how they're gonna react if they find out you're Gender Critical.

[–]Trolley 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Thank you for sharing some of your story. As a gay man who is very much gender critical and also very much into gender nonconforming men, I hope you'll know that we do exist. My boyfriend sounds like he has a similar story to yours, at least in as much as he is both very feminine and very gender critical. I am more stereotypically masculine, and I know that makes many things easier for me where society and our sexuality meet. I wish that wasn't so, but I know it is. Even so, don't give up hope. Keep being you. Keep insisting on the truth. You'll find him.

[–]Kai_Decadence[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing this, I needed to hear this. I just wish I could find more gay men who aren't afraid to speak up for the truth. For more feminine gay men especially to speak up on this because honestly the experiences that we feminine gay men, especially Gender Nonconforming Ga men hold the other side of the puzzle to how trans "identity" is just a bunch of malarky. But I just especially don't want to see young gay children falling into this terrible path neither.

And thanks, I don't have all that much hope in finding a relationship but I appreciate the sentiment, thank you.

[–]Midcentury 9 insightful - 3 fun9 insightful - 2 fun10 insightful - 3 fun -  (1 child)

Feminine and effeminate are different things, related but different.

Its much easier in this day and age to be an effeminate gay man than it was even a decade ago.

Be camp, be effeminate. Ignore other peoples bullshit. Gets easier the older you get, trust me.

Don't forget to party.

[–]Kai_Decadence[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you

[–]Dromedary 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

My dear guy: please go on being your femme fabulous self. I love you, I've had many friends I've loved who sound like you. You are FINE and great and unique as you are.

Only 30! Oh, I wish I were 30 again. I know that's not comfort. But wow (I'm 52, if I were 72 I'd probably say the same.) The gay dating scene is brutal. Very hard. Opposed to creating real love relationships in a lot of ways at your age. I'm sorry for your suffering, I've felt that too. I'm alarmed and appalled to read that a lot of feminine gay men are going trans, because that's a dead end and a whole other can of worms. Oh my god. Glad to see you know this. Wish I had better advice but I'm alone too at my age, I don't see this changing. But transing.. god no. What a horrible path. Relationships aren't all that. I'm no one to talk, my 5 year relationship imploded overnight and I have the scars. Learning to love yourself and be yourself in the world is way more important. Best to you.~

[–]JoeyJoeJoe 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Having integrity will often mean being isolated, but the people you do collect will be the right ones.

Try not to get to caught up in the language of it all. State your truth, but don't be a martyr. I've heard many cities are reviving 'voguing' as a social, expressive thing. Seems a possible path to be powerful, male & effeminate and maybe find a crew? I wish you the absolute best.

[–]Kai_Decadence[S] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I really don't try to be a martyr but I don't see any other feminine GNC men speaking out against this stuff. I see plenty of Lesbians and non-conforming women do it and I think that feminine men should really do the same and so because I can be vocal, especially when some get upset that I don't use "preferred pronouns", some people may think I'm trying to be some martyr when I'm not.

I'm a bit hesitant trying to mingle n Gay communities because so many of them are co-opted by the Trans crowd but I'll keep open for more LGB people who don't buy into it.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Yeah, feminine gay guys have it worst than masculine lesbian, since we live in a society where femininity is considered shameful and a sign of being inferior. I got all the respect for guys like you. You got the worst type of discrimination, discriminated socially and also by others gay people. In the end, being a small minority sucsk, being different just sucks, makes everything more difficult, regardless of your gender presentation. We've been dealt a card making our life more challenging, but there are far worst conditions.We can do nothign except being hopeful.But never lose what you are, a male who is also gay and feminine, not a woman by any means.

[–]Kai_Decadence[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I have to agre.e I know that masculine lesbians and masucline women in general can have it pretty rough sometimes, especially if the woman makes herself look masculine i.e boycut hairstyles and absolutely no interest in dress or figure hugging clothing but I have to admit that I think they are a tiny bit more accepted then feminine GNC men for the reaosns you highlighted. I just htink it's so sad and frustating because feminine GNC guys can get so much hate when we're just trying to live our lives like any other person. And I find it even more fucked that people would sooner accept some deluded man who thinks he's a woman (on the surface) over a feminine guy who knows who he is and s sane. Absolutely appalling.

But despite all this, I know that deep down I'm not doing anything wrong nor are any other guys like myself and I'll keep trying to push on and speak out.