DiscussionWhat's your opinion on asexuality?

submitted by milknciggiesLGBToxic from self.LGBDropTheT

I must say I don't give asexuals much thought because they seem to be a less vocal minority of the TQ+, at least compared to the trans crowd, so I admit I'm a bit ignorant. I can't wrap my head around the concept of having no sexual/romantic interest at all, but I can understand that many people might feel this way for different reasons. I don't get making a huge deal out of it though.
What are your thoughts? Have you met asexual people? Please share your opinions.

Edit: Thanks everyone for the responses. I've read all of them, many of you have different opinions and experiences and it's refreshing being able to look at a topic from different angles. This is a great thread.

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[–]julesburm1891 27 insightful - 3 fun27 insightful - 2 fun28 insightful - 3 fun -  (1 child)

I think it’s possible for people to not experience any sexual attraction and I can empathize with them. I also get how people who have no interest in sex might still have interest in companionship/partnership with another person. However, I don’t understand how the asexual community also tries to insist that sometimes asexual people do want to have sex. At that point, it ceases to be asexual and becomes “low libido.” I also really don’t understand the push to include asexuals with LGB people. The absence of sexuality doesn’t mean it should automatically be lumped in with same-sex attracted people.

All my opinions summed up:

Asexual aromantics: live your best life

Asexual romantics: live your best life. Just understand that the whole never wanting sex thing is a dealbreaker for most people. You should have very honest conversations with potential partners to avoid heartache on both sides.

Aromantics who like sex: you’re literally the definition of a fuckboy and should consider talking to someone.

[–]Crunchycrunch 24 insightful - 3 fun24 insightful - 2 fun25 insightful - 3 fun -  (4 children)

I'm asexual and made an account just to comment here, I usually just lurk because this isn't my community and although I'm an ally, I don't want to intrude. But it seems like my input would be welcome on this post.

I'm 27 and female, not some teenager. I've never had a crush or experienced what people describe as sexual attraction. You know how some lesbians describe repulsion towards male genitalia, and some gay men express repulsion towards female genitalia? That is how I feel towards both sets, indiscriminately. There is just no desire to engage in any kind of sexual activity and no, I am not a victim of trauma, I am not depressed and I am not on any medication. My Hormones are fine, I've had them checked. I'm perfectly healthy. This is just how I've always been.

Sexuality isn't a static thing that springs into existence on the afternoon of your 18th birthday either, so while young people may be late bloomers most will have had at least one crush before they're a legal adult. My whole life I've been waiting for that one crush to happen so I could be normal but it hasn't. Yes, it has lead me to feel alienated from most popular culture and discussion. No, I don't think that means I should be in the LGB community. All you have in common is same sex attraction, I have no attraction.

I have no desire to date or make out or anything like that and I'm perfectly happy spending the rest of my life with my cat.

[–]reluctant_commenter 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Hey, just wanted to say since I responded to your other comment-- you're totally free to comment/post as an ally, that isn't intruding at all :) glad to have you here! I understand lurking, though. I was a 100% lurker on Reddit for years, til I started commenting on saidit last year.

You know how some lesbians describe repulsion towards male genitalia, and some gay men express repulsion towards female genitalia? That is how I feel towards both sets, indiscriminately.

That's a really succinct way of putting it. It's a shame that people doubt the existence of this experience, just because some people have a (perfectly legitimate in its own right) lack of sexual attraction due to medical issues and whatnot.

My whole life I've been waiting for that one crush to happen so I could be normal but it hasn't. Yes, it has lead me to feel alienated from most popular culture and discussion.

Damn, that does sound pretty crazy.

I have no desire to date or make out or anything like that and I'm perfectly happy spending the rest of my life with my cat.

Honestly, that sounds pretty chill. :) Except I personally would feel like I'm missing out on women, lol.

Just curious: are there any asexual forums or anything like this LGB one is? For people who are asexual in the way that you are?

[–]Crunchycrunch 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I've honestly never met anyone my age or older who felt similarly but wasn't part of the TQ cult. Kind of disheartening, tbh. Most so called asexuals still want relationships for example and I just can't see what they mean. A close relationship without sex... So a friendship? No but its special and you live together. So a best friend?? And then there's the people who still want to make out and all that, sorry but kissing is absolutely a part of sexuality. Otherwise lesbians could make out with men just fine and enjoy it, instead it's like nothing or repugnant right? So yeah I mostly just feel alienated.

[–]reluctant_commenter 5 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

And then there's the people who still want to make out and all that, sorry but kissing is absolutely a part of sexuality. Otherwise lesbians could make out with men just fine and enjoy it, instead it's like nothing or repugnant right?

I couldn't agree more. I think you've described it exactly.

I'm sorry you feel so alienated! It's a rough place to be in. Hopefully when more of the harm caused by the movement to medically transition comes to light, more people will feel safe enough to come out of the woodworks and talk about their experiences/opinions that don't fit in under gender identity ideology.

[–]MarkJeffersonTight defenses and we draw the line 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you for explaining so well. I'll admit, it never really clicked for me until I read this comparison here, which makes it so clear:

You know how some lesbians describe repulsion towards male genitalia, and some gay men express repulsion towards female genitalia? That is how I feel towards both sets, indiscriminately.

[–]TransspeciesUnicornI sexually identify as a mythical sparkly equine 20 insightful - 2 fun20 insightful - 1 fun21 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

I believe that asexuality might be real, but that most of the people identifying as ace are not actually asexual. IMO the only genuine asexuals are the "aromantic" and "sex-repulsed" ones. The idea that you could be asexual and still enjoy having sex is pure nonsense. And in my opinion, the "hetero/bi/homo-romantic asexuals" aren't really asexual either. Like if "romantic attraction" is supposedly totally different from sexual attraction, then why is it still based on sex?

Like for a "hetero-romantic asexual" woman for example, she claims that she experiences no sexual attraction, yet for some reason it's still a requisite for a potential partner to be male? Why? If you truly don't experience attraction based on sex then why would your partner's sex even fucking matter? The "romantic asexuals" are all just straight, gay, and bi people with low libidos, hormone problems, or other issues.

[–][deleted] 17 insightful - 2 fun17 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 2 fun -  (2 children)

They are fine. It is just the Tumblr-type crowd pushing "asexual people can and do have great sex and express sexual desire!" which I have a problem with.

[–]ukrdude10 9 insightful - 11 fun9 insightful - 10 fun10 insightful - 11 fun -  (0 children)

Vegans sometimes eat meat and hunt animals for sport, but they're still vegan and valid

[–]INeedSomeTimeAsexual Ally 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Lol same. This is why I no longer even hang around in these spaces. I ironically feel that I just don't belong there.

[–]ChunkeeguyTeam T*RF Fuck Yeah 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

That having no interest in sex does not in any way ally you with LGB people and I really fail to see how you are in any way oppressed for not having a sexual attraction to anyone.

[–][deleted] 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

I can understand how certain aspects of life can be hard for single people, especially if you are single for your entire life. But that is something many sexual people experience and I don't see how those issues overlap with the explicit discrimination of LGB people in many areas of the law.

[–]INeedSomeTimeAsexual Ally 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

The only problem I can think of is that some asexuals end up suspected for being gay and I'm speaking from my experience. Fortunately my family isn't homophobic and it's open to the idea of me being gay but I'm not. But lack of interest in the opposite sex makes people suspicious... and what if it will make the wrong people suspicious? Of course it's not an argument for putting asexuals with LGB. I think it's for the best to have separate groups: the T for gender confused ones, LGB for same sex attracted, the A for asexuals and aromantics. That would be very fine.

[–]censorshipment 9 insightful - 9 fun9 insightful - 8 fun10 insightful - 9 fun -  (8 children)

I don't believe it exists. I simply cannot fathom people never experiencing sexual attraction... at least not naturally. If they're taking drugs/meds with awful side effects... I don't think that can have an effect on sexuality. That's a libido issue.

Also, I think maybe these people who claim to be asexual may not be sexually attracted to people... could be attracted to cartoon/animated/anime characters or something illegal such as animals like their own pets... I remember as a kid hearing a story about an unmarried news anchor fucking his cat (the cat died and got stuck on his dick, so he had to call for help)... maybe he wasn't attracted to people. 👀

[–]INeedSomeTimeAsexual Ally 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

Also, I think maybe these people who claim to be asexual may not be sexually attracted to people... could be attracted to cartoon/animated/anime characters or something illegal such as animals like their own pets...

Ummm, maybe in some really rare cases but that's a statement close to accusing such people of being sort of perverts undercover and I honestly feel a bit uneasy seeing such accussation. It's more likely self-described asexuals these days are just confused teens or closeted gay/bi people than that...

Speaking of myself I have no interest in any of that and I'm certain I'm not gay. If I lived on a lonely island with no internet connection I'd be surprised sex even exists.

[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

that's a statement close to accusing such people of being sort of perverts undercover

Not being an undercover pervert may be true of you, but I've seen plenty of examples of people asking a very similar question on asexuality forums: Can I be ace if I have a fetish? Can I be ace if I have a kink? (usually BDSM.) Very often, people with these questions are told that yes, because they don't like sex, they are in fact asexual. Sex seems to be the only thing that counts as sexuality for the asexual community. But explain... BDSM, furry, autogynephilia, etc, and how those things have nothing to do with sexuality? (It looks like to me in atypical sexuality, roughly 10% across the board are only into whatever their atypicality is.)

I've made a few posts at these places pointing out how the concept of "asexual" for someone who has atypical sexuality isn't a particularly good way to put it. In one instance, I was straight-up told not to say this sort of thing out loud, because otherwise, they wouldn't be able to sneak kinks and fetishes in through the backdoor of LGBTQ+ via the "A".

I have zero problem with these sorts of people doing their own social rights movement on their own. Take furries for instance. Furries are weird. The good ones know they're weird and I love 'em for it. But furry apologists, don't try and tell me that this isn't a sexual thing for you. Because if you build up some sort of rights movement on that it's not having anything to do with sexuality, then someone will pull back the curtain at some point, and the whole enterprise will go poof. (Looking at you too, AGP.) I'll probably be the one doing it. But like what would that rights movement entail? The right to fursuit in public? I'm against that, on account of believing sexuality should be done in private. The right to not be fired from your job because you do furry stuff on the weekend? I'm for that.

Implicit in all this is that if you're attracted to anthropomorphic animals, then it is detracting away from your interest in sex with adult humans--which is how the ace crowd defines asexuality. Per their definition, anyone with any atypical interest in the slightest must be on the spectrum. Per the definition of asexuality provided by the asexual community, any person with even a slight atypical interest is on the asexual spectrum. Logical outcome.

So, this is essentially something the asexual community asexual catch-all bucket is faced with. Y'all need to sort that out. Gatekeeping can be a good thing.

Edit: The insistence that asexuality has only to do with sex and not atypical sexuality, is either due to ignorance, or some active desire to omit atypical sexuality from the definition of "sexual." For purposes of backdooring K for kink and F for fetish into LGBTQ+, my guess.

[–]INeedSomeTimeAsexual Ally 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Now it's better put what you mean. Ever since I started visiting asexual communities for more information on it I was always baffled by insistence that just because you have fetishes doesn't mean you're not asexual... or if you even have sexual fantasies, masturbate or love sex.

To me it's something similar to what's going with meaning of being transsexual. It's overly expanded and radically inclusive to the point basically everyone can fit the asexual and transgender label. Asexuality being a spectrum? Just because you rarely feel attracted to people doesn't mean you're asexual. This shouldn't be a spectrum. It's a matter of being asexual or not. And an asexual person definitely isn't someone who is romantically attracted and is sex obsessed. Like... prior to find out the concept of asexuality I'm sure most of these people would easily think of themselves as just straight, gay or bi.

[–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

maybe he wasn't attracted to people

It happens.

[–][deleted] 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I'm not sure what discrimination they face or why they feel the need to make sure everyone knows asexuals exist all the time.

I'm sure they face difficulties in dating, but that's not discrimination, they can't expect most people to be cool with a romantic relationship where there's no sex.

[–][deleted] 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Asexual-identified people, just like trans people, are trying very hard to pretend to all be some ideal type. I've seen:

  • People trying to be special, especially the "asexuality is a spectrum" crowd
  • People who don't seem to actually have any sexual interests
  • People who have not yet had the "Great Homosexual Awakening"
  • People with exclusive paraphilias--they have no interest in sex (how they asexual crowd defines asexuality,) but they do have a sexuality
  • People who need the services of an endocrinologist or other medical professional
  • Confused people
  • Personality disorders resulting in poor interpersonal functioning and lack of desire thereof

Of course, none--save maybe the first bullet point--of the above would prevent somebody identifying as heterosexual, either.

[–]Three_oneFourWanted for thought crimes in countless ideologies 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I think that the worst discrimination they face in the modern world would be lack of representation in popular media. Due to lack of attraction, they don't participate in any relationships that can be persecuted, so the violence that homosexuals and bisexuals face for their love doesn't apply to them. I'm sure that some have been forced into relationships that they want no part of, but that doesn't happen all too often outside of an arranged marriage setting which forces everyone regardless of sexuality into a possibly undesireable marriage.

They just get ignored from all angles, which is helpful for avoiding murder and annoying at worst for seeing every character on TV end up being straight or a token (oh wait, we see that too in addition to all the real problems we face)

[–]aran 8 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

I don't think lack of representation is an issue to be honest.
There are a lot of single characters in media and some of them mention that they're single because they don't have any interest in relationships or can't find anyone they like so they may very well be asexual.
As for aromantics who experience sexual attraction and have sex without the romantic connection, there are dozens of womanizer playboy characters like that.

[–]Three_oneFourWanted for thought crimes in countless ideologies 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Oh when it comes to aromantics, the majority of them are probably just looking for an excuse for their refusal to commit

[–]JulienMayfair 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I have about the same amount of interest in asexuality as I have in golf, and I have no interest in golf. Whatever it is, it's not my problem.

[–]barnarnasis this tv show my friend? 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I witnessed the rise of the MOGAI bs and the push of the split attraction model and it was just the worst. IMO it also gave younger people the idea that the sex in homosexual meant intercourse. I don't think asexuality and homosexuality are comparable at all, and I hated the "A Doesn't Mean Ally" push.

It's also obvious that some of the people who build an identity around "being ace" have no idea how people work... normally? Like, I've never seen a good explanation for the difference between feeling sexual attraction and wanting to have sex with someone. It was also always strange to me that they would push so hard to be included and then complain about the "filthy allos" and their PDA as if that wasn't fucking homophobic.

People can have low/no sex drive for various reasons but it's not a sexuality or an identity and sometimes people don't want to have sex because they're literally kids absorbing information about made up identities on the internet.

TL;DR it's tumblr bullshit that existed before tumblr - fuck you very much David Jay - but it's still tumblr bullshit. (And I fully blame them for all the fucking flags.)

[–]reluctant_commenter 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

Asexuality is a phenomenon that exists, the same as homosexuality, and it seems to be a very smaller percentage of the population, also like homosexuality. The TQ+ has sought to re-define "asexuality" to include people who are, in fact, not asexual, and I'd imagine the actual asexual people out there might have some similar frustrations as us at having their spaces taken over.

Also-- some teen girls, both straight and LGB, sometimes self-describe as asexual in an attempt to avoid sexualizing comments or to signal their dislike of gender roles and lack of desire to date. This reason, among others (e.g. medication, mental health) cause some people to say they are asexual, leading to a stereotype that "there is no such thing as asexuality as a legitimate sexual orientation" when that is not true.

[–]INeedSomeTimeAsexual Ally 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

I'd imagine the actual asexual people out there might have some similar frustrations as us at having their spaces taken over.

Hey, it's basically me. I found it once laughable to hear from a married man with kids that he's just like me because he's demisexual. I had no comments. He probably never thought twice there was something wrong about him through his life while I did and it was bugging me and even worrying me that maybe I had a fatal disease making me unable to be attracted to people.

[–]Crunchycrunch 9 insightful - 3 fun9 insightful - 2 fun10 insightful - 3 fun -  (2 children)

Completely relate, also ace. I had Hormones checked numerous times and obsessively researched possible explanations. Turns out I'm just asexual and that's OK

[–]reluctant_commenter 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Sorry you have to deal with that bullshit as well, and I'm glad you're ok with the conclusion you found :) it's a weird feeling to try and prove that something does not exist (attraction, in this case). It's like, at what point do you give up and conclude it doesn't exist? And then there's all kinds of misinformation about minority sexualities.

[–]Crunchycrunch 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Completely this. It's like trying to prove God doesn't exist, you can't prove a negative. For over a decade I really believed someday I'd meet someone and everything would change. I even thought I must be gay because everyone assumed I was since I never showed any interest in boys, just that I had internalised homophobia. It was a ride to get here but I accept myself now.

[–]reluctant_commenter 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

She probably never thought twice there was something wrong about her through her life while I did and it was bugging me and even worrying me that maybe I had a fatal disease making me unable to be attracted to people (brain cancer, lol my thoughts were wild).

I'm sorry you had to deal with that all through your life. I have a friend who's asexual who's wondered similar things before, and gotten all kinds of shit from family members for being asexual. I know it's not the same as being LGB in regards to struggle for rights, but I do think there's a fair bit in common experience-wise between being homosexual and being asexual.

[–]Rogue_Toucan 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I can understand asexuals, I even thought I was one too. I can't understand asexuals who say they masturbate, watch porn and have sex casually but swear they don't like sex. In the end it just seems like one more label being misused by young people wanting to feel special and different.

[–]MarkJeffersonTight defenses and we draw the line 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I've been thinking about this. Is Ace a sexuality? I don't know. Some people are attracted to 2 sexes. Some are attracted to 1 sex. Some are attracted to 0. Looking at it in this way, it seems Ace is a legit sexuality. But if you think of Sexualities as requiring at least some sexual attraction then it isn't.

[–]QueenOfTheNorthSuperLesbian 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Is being bald a hairstyle? Is zero a number? If a glass can be a quarter full, half full and completely full, is an empty glass a state of glass fullness? Is black or white a colour? It's a philosophical question it seems like. But zero is useful in mathematics just as absence of sexuality is useful as a tool to contrast with

[–]MarkJeffersonTight defenses and we draw the line 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I guess I was just wondering aloud. I've been working on a basic graphical overview of the sexualities showing their empathic overlap and affinities(yeah I know- pretentious..). Aces were a bit of a wildcard that was harder to fit into the current layout; So I was debating whether I would include Asexuality or not for completeness. I think I've decided though, based on some the comments here.

[–]Uranian 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It's not a sexual orientation. It's like claiming atheism is a religion.

[–]yousaythosethingsFind and Replace "gatekeeping" with "having boundaries" 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I believe asexuality exists. I think it likely does exist naturally and not as a result or symptom of something else but that in other cases it is probably derivative or subsidiary. And whether it’s natural or subsidiary could be difficult to disentangle.

I think people who are genuinely asexual naturally or otherwise are having a mockery made of their situation by, broadly speaking, the same group of people who have taken the gay rights movement for a joyride. I think in terms of political interest, the only thing holding LGB together is same sex rights, so it doesn’t make sense for A to be part of the same general interest group but that alliances can make sense for the limited purpose of some common goal.

I cannot say that I personally relate to asexuals as a lesbian anymore than I relate to heterosexuals. Probably even less if I’m being honest, though it doesn’t mean I’m not sympathetic. And I am not sold on the idea of an “asexual lesbian” even if I can recognize that asexual people might still want some kind of companionship. I have a high sex drive and that already seems more of rarity for a lesbian. “Asexual lesbian” seems to make a mockery of lesbian issues even if some people might erroneously see certain asexual women as lesbians.

I’m in my 30s. There are people I have known for a loooong time on a personal level who never seem to have sexual or romantic interest in anyone. I low key suspect some sort of asexuality with them. But they have never brought it up or indicated that they struggle with it. To my knowledge they are not part of any community related to asexuality. Most notably they do not outwardly claim to be part of the rainbow mafia. They are just living full, normal lives in every other way.

On another note, I do believe my mother is asexual. In her case, it very well may be tied into her narcissistic personality disorder (not saying all or most asexuals are narcissists). But she not only has no romantic or sexual relationships but also no real friendships either. And no interest in any of this stuff. I know she says she had boyfriends when she was younger and went on dates and whatever but I know literally nothing about them. I couldn’t name a single name other than my father. I don’t think she has named any to me. Nor has anyone else. Again, lurking asexuals, I’m not saying you’re like my mother. Just pointing out some manifestation of this close to me.

[–]shveya 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I think the reason we're seeing an increase in "asexual identity" is because people are experiencing low libidos from anti-depressants, which are used by more people now than ever.