Targeting / HarassmentTrans woman in real life is trying to date me after finding out I'm a lesbian

submitted by RedditHatesLesbiansHomosexual Not Queer from (self.LGBDropTheT)

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[–]Tikiri 64 insightful - 1 fun64 insightful - 0 fun65 insightful - 1 fun -  (10 children)

You NEED to protect yourself! I’m old enough to be your mother, and there are few things I hate more than seeing or hearing about young women dealing with stalkers. Especially in this day and age, when indulging stalkers, if they’re trans, is considered to be defending their “human rights” or some kind of similar, dangerous bullshit.

The very first thing you need to do is get it out of your head that lodging a complaint about him will be ineffective because your school is full-on TRA. Fuck. That. Shit. Lodge a complaint! I can’t stress this enough. You may get blowback if you do, but if you don’t then this man can potentially harm you, or worse, and you won’t have any defense against it because you “never complained”. Seriously. This is how the system works, no matter whether you’re a lesbian, bisexual or straight woman. If you’re female, them’s the breaks. I have dealt with and taken classes, trainings on stalking and abuse, been in support groups for these issues, and I’m just telling you what I learned.

Second, DOCUMENT everything! Can’t stress this enough. Just write down, as briefly or in detail as you like or feel: date, time (doesn’t have to be to-the-minute)/time of day, location, and most importantly, how his actions and words made you feel. If it all dies down and he leaves you alone, then you can just put it away, but if not you have an invaluable resource!

Third, file a complaint. If not with your school, with your local police office. Explain what’s happening. Don’t feel scared to mention that he’s trans. Join the LGB Alliance. Ask around for good resources for what to do. This will establish the seriousness of your concerns. I know it sucks to jump through so many hoops to show that you’re scared of him, but again, this is sadly how it is for women everywhere.

Fourth, take a self-defense class. SOOOOO important for dealing with this kind of thing, whether from a trans stalker or any kind of stalker.

One other thing to keep in mind: he may very well tire of stalking you and turn his attention to some other girl. If she’s not firm in her boundaries as you are, she could get badly hurt, or worse. This person’s creepiness needs to be well-known, or he may get away with doing this to any number of women. If that happens, which I think is more likely than not, it will be good to have network of women who can speak out against him as there’s strength in numbers.

Good luck, and please keep us updated!

[–]RedditHatesLesbiansHomosexual Not Queer[S] 36 insightful - 1 fun36 insightful - 0 fun37 insightful - 1 fun -  (9 children)

Thank you for this comment. I've told my lesbian friend to avoid him like the plague and not let him find out her sexual orientation, I'm really worried about him finding other people to victimise and doing the same thing. Will definitely document everything. I'm mostly scared of not being taken seriously, because he's not done anything violent or that "bad" (yet) and I don't want it to seem like I'm overreacting. But it's better to report it now as a preventative thing than waiting for it to maybe escalate, right? I don't want to exaggerate but this whole thing has genuinely made me feel unsafe at school. I mean I'm 5'2" and physically I'm no way his match, and I feel really intimidated because I know I couldn't defend myself if he actually tried something, and I get this panicky fight or flight response whenever I see him now like my instincts are telling me he's dangerous. Maybe it's just in head but my body is giving an intense fear response. I should carry around some pepper spray

[–][deleted] 31 insightful - 1 fun31 insightful - 0 fun32 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

This is a lesbian's worst nightmare. Sorry you have to deal with this. Reporting it as a stalker sounds like it might well be the best step to take as others have suggested.

I mean I'm 5'2" and physically I'm no way his match, and I feel really intimidated because I know I couldn't defend myself if he actually tried something

Don't underestimate yourself. In a fight, a lot of abusers expect to be the ones with the power, and are actually cowards the moment you show you won't let him fuck around with you and that you're willing to fight back. By showing you're not scared, you give yourself a mental advantage over him. Self defense classes are also a great idea.

Do you enjoy knitting? I would suggest faking taking up the hobby and carrying around some yarn and some long, sharp needles. A long sturdy needle in each hand makes an effective deterrent if he attacks you physically. If he really wants to touch, make it clear from that point you'll make it cost him. Spikes of that nature have a long history as a discreet but effective self-defense tool for women from ladies' hatpins to Chinese emeici, that doesn't require a lot of raw physical strength to inflict a lot of pain or damage like a club would be. Pepper spray requires hitting one specific point, the face, whereas a needle in the arm, leg, or hand will be very effective as a chance to escape, and pepper spray can accidentally be blown back into your face by the wind, etc, and carrying around your knitting is something that lets you discreetly carry something for self-defense whereas you likely run into legal issues with pepper spray or a proper knife. The needles can also be thrown if need be. In order to cover yourself legally, do not admit to anyone the reason you're carrying them; as far as anyone knows and if anyone asks, you're now very fond of knitting.

Obviously, protect yourself legally by not resorting to anything physical or even showing you have a weapon unless you're in danger (he corners you alone in an alley, he puts his hands on you, he has a weapon).

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 14 insightful - 4 fun14 insightful - 3 fun15 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

I think these type of weapon that can cut people and require very close contact can backfire against the user

[–]Tikiri 28 insightful - 1 fun28 insightful - 0 fun29 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

You’re very welcome! All these tips I gave are things I learned in my previous classes and groups about abusive behavior. I had no idea what to do in such situations, and I don’t think most women do.

And trust me, he will move on to other women, especially lesbians! These kinds of people always do. Sometimes they do this to multiple women at the same time.

And TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS! Your whole body and mind are trying to tell you something, that this man is dangerous. And never forget, especially in the UK, that if he “comes out” as trans and claims to be a woman, he will (if he doesn’t already) have access to you and other women in bathrooms, locker rooms, even female-only swimming ponds. That’s why I think it’s good for people to know what he’s really like.

Have you read a book that came out some years ago, The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals that Protect Us from Violence, by Gavin de Becker? I highly recommend it! It’ll reassure you about the validity and crucial importance of what you’re sensing.

[–]haveanicedaytoo💗💜💙 21 insightful - 1 fun21 insightful - 0 fun22 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I hate saying this, but if violence happens, grab him by the girl dick, squeeze and twist. Squeeze them shits like you're trying to make his balls explode.

[–]marmorsymphata 19 insightful - 4 fun19 insightful - 3 fun20 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

Guide to kicking stalkers in the balls

[–]fuckupaddamsBisexual Terve 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Carry that pepper spray and don't undermine your gut reaction and instincts

[–]TheBeefBenson 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

It's the UK. You can't get pepper spray.

[–]lovelyspearmintLesbeing a lesbian 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I've got a tiny travel can of aerosol deodorant, fits in the palm of my palm, and I have that on hand if I'm walking alone at night.

[–]TheBeefBenson 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

You can legally carry a folding knife in the UK, without having to provide a reason for carrying it, as long as the blade is under three inches, it doesn't have a locking mechanism (not including finger locks - where the blade can't shut because your finger is safely stopping it), it isn't disguised as anything else, and now with the ban on "zombie knives" doesn't have any violent words, symbols or pictures drawn on it (yes the UK offensive weapons bill is actually that absurd). Now you might not necessarily be able to take it everywhere you like but if found all the police can do is take it from you. It's not an offense to carry it.

I would also not recommend carrying it unless you would be actually prepared to use it. Brandishing it and not using it is potentially as dangerous as not having it all. However, a quick slash to the face will probably accomplish what you need it to. But I would routinely practice those moves along with taking up mixed martial arts (grappling, striking and kicking). Don't bother with "self defense". There is no defense. You're either learning to fight or you're learning to pretend to fight. If you're learning to fight learn styles that people consistently need to win with in a competitive environment.

Tactical pens, that come with tungsten glass breakers at one end, are also available because it is after all just a pen.

As to prosecution... There was a case about a year ago where an inebriated woman, for absolutely no reason (as confirmed by cctv and numerous eye witnesses including other woman) glassed a man in the face in a bar in the UK. As heinous as the act was and even though it was her second offense for a similar violent act she didn't even have to serve any time in prison. She was let off with a small fine. Now, although I don't agree with the leniency this clearly dangerous woman was treated with, it goes to show that the courts are not keen on sentencing women for violent acts against men at all. A violent act against a man, even with a weapon, where there is no evidence to prove you were the unprovoked aggressor, and where you provide testimony arguing that you believed you were facing an imminent threat of a violent sexual assault (you don't even need to have been attacked, just that your average person can see why you thought you were going to be attacked), will mostly not lead to any prosecution.

And even if you are prosecuted and sentenced, it's women's prison, you'll be ok.