RantHow to feel good about being gay in the modern day

submitted by HelloMomo from self.LGBDropTheT

ETA: Ok, so it took me a long rant but I figured out what my real question:

How do I detach myself from feeling this compulsion to "keep up to date" with trans news and stuff? I would be happier and better off, I think, if I could purge this topic from my mind. I feel like I need to keep up with this, or be aware of it. I don't want to be.

When I see something about it, it catches my attention. If I go on a dating app and it's all this, it sticks in my mind for hours. I wish it didn't catch at me so much.

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[–]censorshipment 11 insightful - 3 fun11 insightful - 2 fun12 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

I'm almost 40 and sort of felt this way during my teens and 20s, except I wished I were a straight man with a dick than a straight woman getting dick. My mom (60s) is bi, and I have a bi aunt (70s), and I grew up among LGB folks during the 80s and 90s in the Southeast (moderately liberal city in a red state). I had a gay male teacher, and a few gay male friends and dated several bi girls in high school. But I still didn't really want to be a lesbian... I wanted to be a straight guy as I mentioned. Now, I'm happy to be a lesbian although it's hard politically. It has always felt like lesbians have no allies. I've always seen gay men (in the black community) having women as friends... "good Judys" as they say. It just seems like if you love men and love dick, you get more support.

[–]IridescentAnacondastrictly dickly 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

So I dunno. I guess I'm looking for older folks to tell me, "It gets better," although I know I'm more likely to find responses like, "I feel this way too."

I can't promise you that it will get better because honestly the world seems to be going to shit.

But at 52 I can tell you that what I think of as my daily challenges have changed drastically since I was 17 (the age I came out as a gay man). I am happily and monogamously married, financially comfortable, and have a strong sense of identity and ego strength. However, I am worried about what I'm "giving back" (see the 7th Erikson stage), I am worried about what life will be like for generations after me, I'm worried about my health and my husband's health (nothing catastrophic currently happening but decline is inevitable and age does make you very aware of your mortality).

Not sure what kind of reassurance you are looking for. If you're asking if love is possible for you, I would say it most likely is, but not necessarily in your early 20s (not ruling that out though). If you're asking whether love will solve all your problems once you have found it, no it won't.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Love doesn't solve problems. It just fill some biological need.

[–][deleted] 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

When I finally realized I actually was gay, I was ecstatic.

I've been on this roller-coaster. You go up, you go down, you go left, you go right. But, if you don't step off the ride, you'll go up, you'll go down, you'll go left, you'll go right. Ad nauseam.

Go on your date, goddammit. You need more external information, you're stuck in a loop of thoughts that are feeding into each other. Nothing is coming from it. You're not going to logically deduce jack shit from staying inside your own head about this.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I wished I were bi too. My problems isn't just lesbianism and its limitating dating potential (I don't live in a state with queers, thankfully europe has not such a big problem like USA), but also a lot of others personal problems, preventing me to live fully and date. So you're still in you shape, if your only problems are queers.You will able to find someone, hope your date goes well.

[–]Destresse🇨🇵 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Ah, yes. Well. I'm slowly approaching 30, have never dated for real, have never even kissed anyone, or even just held someone's hand. And yeah, I totally understand that "losing your best years" feeling but... all things considered... I'm doing fine. It's fine. I won't say I don't care, sometimes the sadness overwhelms me, but, err. I'll survive, I mean.

You know, maybe going through severe trauma helps sometimes, because I have zero difficulty going into "so what?" mode. Maybe dating will be difficult for a decade or so. So what? Maybe I'll be 60 by the time I get my first kiss. So what? The future's uncertain, but what I'm sure of is my resilience and ability to live through it.

So... I can't tell you it gets better, but I'll tell you to trust in your inner ressources. Be it to persevere and eventually find a girlfriend, or to be able to deal with being alone peacefully.

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I feel you so much. I have so many problems and sufferance in my life. I'm 25, but I'm sure I won't be able to date till I'm 30 or probably even later, because I'm no in the conditions in my life right now. I want to approach apathy. I feel 60 in my mind because of being so tired for my mental health. I want to develop the so what approach too. One part of me feel scared of ending up alone my whole life, another part is hopeful that I will have this great love, travel and just experience happiness after so many years of pain. But for real, life can be such a bitch. The only good thing of being unfortunate, it's that makes you more resilient and empathetic toward others. Normal people can all dramatic for stupid stuff, if they had to deal with a lifetime of pain and serious problems, they wouldn't last much without killing themselves, which sometimes seems like a liberating thing to do, but the hope for a better future and the fact that life is short enough already, stop you for ending it all. I went to full depressed bitch mood, sorry :D

[–]OPPRESSED_REPTILIANIntersex male | GNC | Don't call me "a gay", "twink" or "queen" 4 insightful - 4 fun4 insightful - 3 fun5 insightful - 4 fun -  (5 children)

This may not be helpful, but I believe it's okay to not feel okay about it. I don't think I'll ever be okay with being homosexual. I don't think I will ever be the kind of person who can go the cliche self-acceptance and pride and settle down with an impossibly flawless husband. I don't think that is something that happens to real people, especially people like me.

I have accepted that the cliche "love and happiness" is not coming for me. It is depressing but is the only way I keep going, instead of waiting for something that will never come, I know I must do something else. And it makes me sad seeing others still believe that their only option is to "choose to love themselves" when it's never that easy, and the world is never that kind.

[–]IridescentAnacondastrictly dickly 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

settle down with an impossibly flawless husband

Who says that if you settled down your husband would be "impossibly flawless"? Real relationship is about acknowledging your partner's limitations while still loving them intensely.

Love does happen to "real people" (I am a real person), but the acknowledgement of "real" has to be bilateral. "Real" people have warts, mood swings, bad days, get sick, and grow old.

[–]OPPRESSED_REPTILIANIntersex male | GNC | Don't call me "a gay", "twink" or "queen" 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

By "impossibly flawless" I literally just meant "someone who won't rape/beat/emotionally abuse me," actually. I acknowledge no one is perfect, but when it comes to same sex relationships, even "decent" is near impossible.