DiscussionHow did your family react when you introduced your same-sex partner/boyfriend/girlfriend to them?

submitted by reluctant_commenter from self.LGBDropTheT

I just want to hear stories, the good, bad and the ugly.

(Part of why I wanted to ask: Sometimes I see social media posts with tons of likes/upvotes/comments about how somebody introduced their significant other to family and it went perfectly. But I think these types of posts often feature an overly-rosy perspective. Assuming unconditional acceptance will be the case for everyone, in 2021, seens blatantly unrealistic to me, despite trans rights activists' attempts to portray LGB problems as "solved" and "trans rights" as the paramount issue.)

edit: Also, if you've avoided introducing a partner to family, what are your thoughts and feelings regarding doing so?

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[–]IridescentAnacondastrictly dickly 18 insightful - 3 fun18 insightful - 2 fun19 insightful - 3 fun -  (4 children)

I came out at 17 before I had a boyfriend and parents were less than thrilled but did not go into full freak-out mode. My first boyfriend was referred to by my mother (a semi-professional astrologer) as "that pisces". My first long-term partner got along with my mom better than he got along with me. Mom loathed the guy I dated afterwards and told me she preferred the previous one. Finally, she met my husband only once, just before she died, but she did tell me that she thought I should marry him.

I'm not sure if that was at all helpful to you but it did prompt me to think about my mom for a few minutes, which was nice, as she's been gone now for almost a decade.

[–]reluctant_commenter[S] 8 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

Thank you for sharing! I wasn't looking for any particular kind of story, just wanted to hear people's experiences. Sounds like a mixed bag of responses depending on the person you were dating. How do you feel about your mom's reactions?

[–]IridescentAnacondastrictly dickly 11 insightful - 2 fun11 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

I think it shows kind of an evolution from skeptical to fully accepting. "Fully accepting" would mean evaluating the merits of a boyfriend based on character rather than getting hung up on the same-sex issue. Some of my choices were terrible, at least one was excellent. I'm really sorry my mom didn't get a chance to interact more with my husband.

[–]RedEyedWarriorGay | Male | 🇮🇪 Irish 🇮🇪 | Antineoliberal | Cocks are Compulsory 7 insightful - 2 fun7 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

I’m sorry for the loss of your mother. I’m glad she’s come around to accepting your orientation and accepting your husband.

[–]IridescentAnacondastrictly dickly 8 insightful - 4 fun8 insightful - 3 fun9 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

Thanks. My husband and I often recount one of my mom's memorable comments in that one single meeting between the two of them. Commenting on her man-friend's grand-daughter, she said: "I don't know where that girl thinks she's going, fat and singing Jesus songs". We often repeat that line because it was so typical of my mother!

[–]OPPRESSED_REPTILIANIntersex male | GNC | Don't call me "a gay", "twink" or "queen" 13 insightful - 3 fun13 insightful - 2 fun14 insightful - 3 fun -  (2 children)

Well, I'm not in contact with my family, and I don't have a boyfriend, but when I was a kid, the people in charge of looking after me found out some kids were spreading rumors/bullying me about liking boys, so they sat me down and gave me an embarrassing lecture about how they knew those kids were just being mean, but also explained in more detail than necessary what being gay was & told me I should never do that, and to tell them if I ever met a male claiming to be gay because they're probably child predators. Does that count?

In all seriousness though, if I was the kind to date (& it was a perfect world where finding a healthy, non-abusive partner wasn't like hunting magical unicorns) in modern times I would be more worried about my place or work or social circles finding out than families. Because this is 2020 and the narrative has stopped being "being gay is sinful", but now it's "omg you're gay? you're one of THE GAYS?! do you watch drag race? are you a bottom? omg can you be my sassy gay friend?! PERFORM FOR ME" and somehow, that terrifies me more than someone thinking I am a pervert or a sinner. I just couldn't handle the people I spend time around treating me as the token clown because their experience with homosexuality are annoying rich gay "influencers" and Drag Race.

[–]reluctant_commenter[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

so they sat me down and gave me an embarrassing lecture about how they knew those kids were just being mean, but also explained in more detail than necessary what being gay was & told me I should never do that, and to tell them if I ever met a male claiming to be gay because they're probably child predators. Does that count?

Oof. That sounds like my family. Close enough. I'm sorry you had to deal with people telling you shit like that.

(& it was a perfect world where finding a healthy, non-abusive partner wasn't like hunting magical unicorns)

Lol, I really feel that.

Because this is 2020 and the narrative has stopped being "being gay is sinful", but now it's "omg you're gay? you're one of THE GAYS?! do you watch drag race? are you a bottom? omg can you be my sassy gay friend?! PERFORM FOR ME" and somehow, that terrifies me more than someone thinking I am a pervert or a sinner.

Yeah that's very true. I also feel a lot of fear/aversion towards that; I have been involved in only a few of those sorts of conversations so far, and.. they were uncomfortable, to say the least. I was thinking of doing a post about this topic next, I am sure we are not the only ones who've heard the "omg you're gay!! You must wear these types of clothes and be into this activity!" sorts of comments.

[–]RedEyedWarriorGay | Male | 🇮🇪 Irish 🇮🇪 | Antineoliberal | Cocks are Compulsory 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I’m sorry to hear that the people around you were hostile towards homosexuality. But it is also annoying that society now expects gay men to be the sassy best friends of straight women. It’s fine is some gay men want this lifestyle, but it’s not for me. Thankfully, most people I’ve told don’t care that I’m gay and that’s the way I like it. Being gay shouldn’t be a big deal at all.

[–]strictly 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

My parents are Jehovah's witnesses so I haven’t introduced any girlfriends to them. They don’t approve of my homosexuality as it's against their religion.

[–]sleepless-dreamer 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I came out to my parents when I was 16. I thought I was lesbian at the time, and it took me a few more years to figure out I was bisexual. My mom had always been very accepting and insistent that homosexuality was not a choice, so I thought it'd be okay. Nnnnope. She called off work the next day and spent the entire day in bed crying, then forced me to go to a psychiatrist.

On the other hand, my gruff, straight-edged, lifelong Republican father was totally fine with it.

That permanently damaged my relationship with my mother, though. I've had trust issues with her ever since. I'm 36 now, and to this day, she won't discuss it with me. Since I married a man, I think she prefers to pretend I'm straight. I honestly have no idea how she would have reacted if I'd wound up with a woman. A mystery for the ages.

[–]julesburm1891 9 insightful - 2 fun9 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

My parents took me coming out very poorly. I was a senior in high school and it was a mess. They tried to kick me out and then rescinded that when my best friend’s family immediately offered to take me in. Then, I got stuck having to go to “therapy” sessions with their fundamentalist preacher. This was on top of my mom being unmediated for bipolar disorder and directing all her ire at me. So, we really didn’t talk about me being a lesbian at all throughout my teens and early 20s. It was a kind of don’t ask don’t tell arrangement.

When I met my now-fiancée, I knew she was the one. I sat my parents down and essentially said, “you have to get over it and accept her or you won’t see me because I’m not hiding her.” The first time they met I was super nervous. We were touring a fancy old home where my fiancée and I live. We went over the initial awkward introductions and then got started on the tour. There was a family where one of their kids had a leash in the group. So, my mom turns to my partner and says, “Did Jules tell you she was a leash child? She was constantly trying to escape and climb things.”

It’s been going well since then.

[–]RedEyedWarriorGay | Male | 🇮🇪 Irish 🇮🇪 | Antineoliberal | Cocks are Compulsory 7 insightful - 2 fun7 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 2 fun -  (6 children)

I’ve never had a boyfriend before, but I know my family would be supportive if I got one. In fact, they would be delighted - my mother cannot wait until I get a boyfriend.

[–]Destresse🇨🇵 7 insightful - 4 fun7 insightful - 3 fun8 insightful - 4 fun -  (1 child)

Lol, same, but with my dad.

He's generally quiet and solemn, but once my step-mother kept pestering me about my love life and whether I've met someone, so I caved and told her about this girl I've been talking to. And my dad lit up, I just—... 😂 When my step-mother left the room he looked at me and it was like he couldn't contain his joy lmao.

I suspect it's because I'm approaching 30 years old and he's worried I'll end up alone and sad.

[–]RedEyedWarriorGay | Male | 🇮🇪 Irish 🇮🇪 | Antineoliberal | Cocks are Compulsory 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It surprises me when parents are happy to have a gay child, because I believe that it shouldn’t matter to them if one of their children is gay or bisexual. But I guess in your case, he probably knew and was just happy you’re hiding your orientation anymore. And yes, parents don’t want their kids to be lonely. My parents, mother especially, want me to get married to a man before they die.

[–]Seahorse 5 insightful - 2 fun5 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

Yes this is most certainly how you know they've accepted you, when you get the same "When are you going to settle down?" question 🤣🤣🤣

[–]RedEyedWarriorGay | Male | 🇮🇪 Irish 🇮🇪 | Antineoliberal | Cocks are Compulsory 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yes. My parents have long supported gay people. They also said if a family member won’t talk to me for being gay, then my parents will stop talking to them, which thankfully never happened. They don’t tolerate bullshit.

[–]reluctant_commenter[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Aw, that's so wholesome :)

[–]RedEyedWarriorGay | Male | 🇮🇪 Irish 🇮🇪 | Antineoliberal | Cocks are Compulsory 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It sure is.

[–]Seahorse 7 insightful - 2 fun7 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

It is very unrealistic yes.

Not my folks but I recently came out to a customer (I felt safe and she doesn't appear religious) but she went very quiet and I may never have her patronage again. I don't regret it though.

My mum wouldn't ask after my girlfriend or even contribute if I brought her up, for years. She's great now, I appreciate she needed time to work through it.

My dad was absolutely fine, I'm sure dad could see it from a mile away🤣

[–]RedEyedWarriorGay | Male | 🇮🇪 Irish 🇮🇪 | Antineoliberal | Cocks are Compulsory 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I’m glad your mother has come around and your dad has accepted it right away.

[–]censorshipment 6 insightful - 2 fun6 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

My mom is bisexual, and her high school sweetheart was a lesbian. They dated in the late 70s and fought for women's rights together. I'm named after my mom's first significant other. My dad knew my mom's ex and was very hurt about my mom giving me the woman's name.

My family knew I liked girls when I was 5. I was caught kissing and humping other girls quite often. I was so miserable about being too young to date, so my parents agreed to let me date when I turned 14. I asked out a 16 year old neighbor and invited her to an amusement park with my family. The only issue my mom had was that my first girlfriend was white (and the other 5 girlfriends I had during high school were white). We are a pro-black family. Interracial dating is worse than same-sex dating to us. My family is Baptist but are supportive of the LGB. Homophobia hasn't been an issue for me. I'm 37 and started dating in 1997. I haven't had any issues being an out and flamboyant lesbian where I've lived (3 Southern states and 1 Midwestern state). People tend to be more curious about lesbianism than hateful about it. Older women in particular seem to be curious about if women eat pussy better than men do. Lol fun fact: my mom told me how to eat pussy when I was 16. I'm so fortunate to have a second-wave feminist, bisexual mom instead of a conservative, straight mom.

[–]reluctant_commenter[S] 3 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Damn, your mom sounds awesome! That is so cool you have that kind of relationship with her.

[–]Destresse🇨🇵 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I never had a girlfriend so I can't say, but I can say because I know my parents by heart lol.

I came out to them the moment I figured out I was a lesbian. I was so devastated I could find zero support in myself because I hated it so much, so I wanted to tell my dad because I knew he'd help. He had made several little comments here and there over the years, like "it'd be fine if you brought a girl home, y'know" while he told my sister "I'm totally fine with whatever skin color your future boyfriend will have", so I knew he suspected I was homosexual for a long time.

As it turned out, I couldn't get a hold of him and my mom was the one who lived nearby, and since I was having a veeery bad anxiety attack over this, I called her instead. I just told her I was feeling extremely bad, so she told me to come to her place. I walked in, she stopped dead in the corridor, asked me "are you okay" and I said no. Long story short, she called my dad and I told them both like this, weeping like a newborn. I remember I said "I think I'm a lesbian and I don't want to"

My dad never talks much, so he just said "I've expected you to tell me that for a while", and that was fine by me. My mom though... Errr. How can I put it... My mom has issues of her own to work out, she lives in denial of her own pain so she's not very empathetic or in touch with reality sometimes. She said it was great that I was gay, lol. She spent the afternoon either: trying to convince me being a lesbian was great, guilting me for "not telling her sooner" when that was literally impossible, asking me who she could tell, asking me what my type of woman was (I had just figured out I was a lesbian, literally an hour before, remember), guilting me for feeling bad about being a lesbian, "I never spoke ill of homosexuality so how can you be ashamed?" oooohh my god

Honestly, my issues with my mom aren't just about being a lesbian and coming out to her. It didn't change our relationship, it was already bad to begin with. I can tell having a lesbian daughter shook her, but she refuses to admit that, even to herself. So instead I got nice little comments like "I'd accept if you were bisexual too, by the way", and "dating is hard for everyone, not just you!", or "you can get married and have kids now, so you aren't different from any straight person", I am just not allowed to talk about the struggles of being a lesbian around her, she takes it as a personal attack every time and retaliates with stupid things like those.

So, introducing a girlfriend to my dad: no problem there. Introducing a girlfriend to my mom: ooooohhh my god, I'm not looking forward to that. But, see, I'm exactly like any straight person, my sister also doesn't want to introduce a boyfriend to my mom 😂

[–]reluctant_commenter[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

She spent the afternoon either: trying to convince me being a lesbian was great, guilting me for "not telling her sooner" when that was literally impossible, asking me who she could tell, asking me what my type of woman was (I had just figured out I was a lesbian, literally an hour before, remember), guilting me for feeling bad about being a lesbian, "I never spoke ill of homosexuality so how can you be ashamed?" oooohh my god

Oof. That sounds exhausting, lol.

Honestly, my issues with my mom aren't just about being a lesbian and coming out to her. It didn't change our relationship, it was already bad to begin with. I can tell having a lesbian daughter shook her, but she refuses to admit that, even to herself.

I relate so hard, hahahaha.

So instead I got nice little comments like "I'd accept if you were bisexual too, by the way", and "dating is hard for everyone, not just you!", or "you can get married and have kids now, so you aren't different from any straight person", I am just not allowed to talk about the struggles of being a lesbian around her, she takes it as a personal attack every time and retaliates with stupid things like those.

Ugh, yuck. I'm sorry she does that, that is so frustrating and self-centered of her. I'm glad your dad was more cool about it!

Thanks so much for sharing.

[–]lovelyspearmintLesbeing a lesbian 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Unfortunately haven't had a girlfriend yet, even though I'm getting close to my 30s (only a small gay community where I'm at, and now made doubly hard by transbians, queers, non-binaries and straights invading the few gay spaces that there are). However, I know my mum would be real glad to meet my future girlfriend, and she's been super supportive since I've come out to her and while I've talked to women on dating apps. The rest of my family might be a bit more reserved, so I won't introduce any girlfriend I have until it's a serious relationship (engagement/marriage), mostly because they're highly religious and I'd rather have them understand that it's not just a phase or a fling.

[–]Destresse🇨🇵 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Oh, I'm glad I'm not the only one who never got a girlfriend even though I'm approaching 30 too!

[–]Lessom 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I haven’t as I would feel too embarrassed for any girlfriends to meet my crazy religious family who would fit in seamlessly in the 14th century. My mother would be the worst out of the bunch as she has no filter and to this day is still holding out hope I’m going to marry a man lol. You don’t choose your family but it’s nice being able to become an adult and move out.

[–]julesburm1891 3 insightful - 2 fun3 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

as she has no filter and to this day is holding out hope I’m going to marry a man

Bruh, same. The last time we visited my mom, she felt the need to announce that I handed out Steve Irwin valentines one year in primary school because she knows I had a crush on him. The crocodile wrestling being the interest to an eight year old evidently hasn’t occurred to her.

[–]TarshishJupiterpolitically homeless 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

My parents didn’t take my coming out very well. My mom refused to let me date while I lived under her roof, and she said she would never come to my wedding. My dad at first insinuated I was going to hell.

When I started dating about six months later (my first girlfriend, now my ex), they already knew her from our community. My mom verbally lashed out at her when we told my parents we were dating. She insinuated that my girlfriend was a pedophile and said she felt insulted and disrespected that we were dating.

My dad on the other hand had a surprising reaction. He approved my choice of girlfriend and was happy to see me so happy. He proved his support by talking to her like a person and laughing and joking with us.

My mom continued to treat her coldly and silently until we broke up three years later.