LifestyleL/G/B people - would you ever want to have kids and if so, through what means?

submitted by reluctant_commenter from self.LGBDropTheT

I am kind of mixed on this myself. I am pretty young still and am years away from having kids if I wanted them, but would be potentially interested in adoption/fostering. Thoughts on:

  • artificial insemination if you're a woman/trying to get a surrogate mother?

  • adoption?

  • foster care? (maybe this is a US-centric view, I have little background on this topic)

  • other options?

If anyone already has kids and is in a same-sex relationship, what's your experience been raising kids?

I know this is kind of different from the "dropping the T" content we usually have but s/LGB is not open yet so I thought I'd ask here.

edit: I realized after I made this post that the wording might sound limiting-- bisexual people please feel free to share your experiences/opinions in the context of opposite-sex relationships as well!

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[–]GarageCar 18 insightful - 2 fun18 insightful - 1 fun19 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

I would only adopt if I ever want kids. I hate the idea that adopted kids are less than "biological kids" in society. This is part of the reason kids in the system have terrible mental health issues, they are made to think they are not enough, but they are. And if I ever wanted kids, I would adopt and try my best to treat them as an equal, to give them a good home and to help them understand they are amazing the way they are.

I have no kids at the moment. Either I will go to the grave without any kids, or I will adopt kids. That's a promise I made to myself.

[–]reluctant_commenter[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Well said.

[–][deleted] 16 insightful - 1 fun16 insightful - 0 fun17 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

A straight colleague of mine who has several children once said to me that "kids just happen," and everyone else in earshot seemed to agree. Really? This is how it works for you? They "just happen?"

The CDC (USA) says that 1/2 of pregnancies are unplanned and 1/3 of live births are unplanned.

So if any of y'all here are lamenting your homosexuality, take heed. However you get your kids, if you choose to do so, at least you will really want and love them.

[–]reluctant_commenter[S] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

So if any of y'all here are lamenting your homosexuality, take heed. However you get your kids, if you choose to do so, at least you will really want and love them.

Thank you. I heard someone say this on this sub a couple days ago but it still bears repeating, I appreciate it.

[–]Lessom 15 insightful - 2 fun15 insightful - 1 fun16 insightful - 2 fun -  (2 children)

It’s nice having a topic to take our minds off how awful TRA can be. To answer the question in the future I’d like to hopefully have a family . I’m in my mid twenties and still feel I’m way too young for it even though technically I’m not lol. I want to live life more I guess like travel more, find the right woman and advance in my career. No way would I give birth though or expect any partner to do so as it sounds like a horrific experience. Adopting would be the way to go for me.

[–]GarageCar 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

No way would I give birth though or expect any partner to do so as it sounds like a horrific experience. Adopting would be the way to go for me.

SAME I'm so happy I found someone that feels me. I hate "pregnancy", it makes me nauseous when I even think about it. The periods I have are enough, they make me downright miserable, last a full seven days, I bleed heavily, my cramps are constant and so severe they make me vomit. I literally can not walk properly even with pain relievers the first three days of my periods because the pain goes to my legs.

Going through that pain every month has made me realize that "nope, "pregnancy" is a no no, a big no". It's a horrific experience, never will I ever want to go through it.

[–]reluctant_commenter[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Lmao I relate to your response so much. In my early 20s and feel the same way about feeling too young for it, even though I know former classmates from high school who have little kids already...

No way would I give birth though or expect any partner to do so as it sounds like a horrific experience.

Right?! I hear women talk about "the miracle of childbirth" like it's some kind of religious experience, and while yes, the fact that women can produce life is cool, that doesn't detract from the fact that giving birth can be a horrifyingly traumatic experience...

[–]ArthnoldManacatsaman🇬🇧🌳🟦 15 insightful - 2 fun15 insightful - 1 fun16 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

I would make a terrible parent.

I don't think I'd ever be willing to make the necessary sacrifices (financial, temporal, etc.) in order to give a child the environment and upbringing that they would need.

And as someone once told me, a child is the one thing you can't renege on. You can sell a house, quit a job, leave a partner or move to another country but you can never 'give back' a child if you change your mind.

And in a way I think it's good that I know this about myself now. I would rather be aware of the things that would make me a terrible parent and not have to inflict that on a child than have a child (however that would work) and realise only too late.

[–]Smolders1Cock is god's greatest gift. 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Unfortunately, I sometimes wish I were straight due to the fact that I cannot ever have my own biological children.

I believe surrogacy is unethical, so I don’t think I’d be comfortable using that method to conceive a child of my own.

I may be fine with adoption or fostering, though. The child would still not be my biological child, but it’s the method I believe to be the most ethical.

I doubt I will ever have kids, however, simply due to the fact that I cannot have my own biological child with my SO. Hope that makes sense. I dunno what puts me off the idea so much, it’d just be off putting to raise a child if it were not my biological child. Like I said, it’s the reason I hate being homosexual. I do want my own child someday, but there’s nothing that I believe to be ‘fulfilling’ available to me.

EDIT: Words.

[–]reluctant_commenter[S] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thanks for responding, I appreciate it. I feel you on not being able to have your own biological child... the idea bothers me, too. I think it's one of the reasons why I sometimes struggle to fully accept myself as lesbian.

I have not read up on surrogacy but have heard a little about it potentially being harmful or exploitative to the mothers who do it. I wouldn't be comfortable using an exploitative method to have a child, either.

[–]Three_oneFourWanted for thought crimes in countless ideologies 10 insightful - 2 fun10 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

I hate children. I consider myself fortunate that I will never be in the position of accidentally having a kid or being unable to have a kid and struggling to get one. I'm an engineer and I'd be more likely to build a self replicating robot that can care for many children than actually loving a child enough to bring it into my home and upturning my entire way of life

[–]Elvira95Viva la figa 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

No, I'm against having kids for various reasons.

[–]RedEyedWarriorGay | Male | 🇮🇪 Irish 🇮🇪 | Antineoliberal | Cocks are Compulsory 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I’m not sure if I’ll ever have children. But if I’m married and my husband and I want to, we’d adopt. I am not comfortable with surrogacy.

If I ever end up becoming a father, I’d have my kids homeschooled. I do not want them getting indoctrinated. There will be a family computer and a family iPad in the house but the kids won’t be allowed their own tablets or laptops until they’re 13 and are willing to pay for these devices themselves. Also, no smartphone until they’re 17, but they can have a flip phone from the age of 10. I want to keep them away from social media. Instead, they’ll be reading books, playing video games, participating in sports or other activities and getting involved in the community. If one of my kids told me he was trans or non-binary, I’d investigate who got that into his head and distance my child from the source. I will never have kids with a man who supports transgender children or any woke ideology.

[–]CaptainMooseEx-Bathhouse Employee 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

If I ever get married, I will most likely foster and adopt.

I've been iffy on surrogacy for a while. Only recently did I learn about complications for the surrogate mother. My reasons before mostly pertained to not trusting another person to carry a potential child for me. You could screen for everything in an interview, but some people lie and only then will you be stuck with the consequences (for example, smoking or drinking during pregnancy). I've had friends offer to carry a child for me before and I've uncomfortably laughed and said "sure." In my mind though, I would not want them to ever be pregnant because of the bad decisions they make (including decisions regarding partners).

[–]xanditAGAB (Assigned Gay at Birth) 5 insightful - 3 fun5 insightful - 2 fun6 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

It’s ok to talk about other topics besides the t. I’m to old now but I always wanted kids, so if I had met someone I probably would have adopted, since I am also adopted. But I understand people wanting a biological connection. It’s seems nice than straight couples can have a little bit of both of them in the child. I suppose there is the other option of finding one of those rare gay men who somehow have a fully functional female reproductive system.

[–]OPPRESSED_REPTILIANIntersex male | GNC | Don't call me "a gay", "twink" or "queen" 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I do want kids, but I am against surrogacy and I'm not sure about adoption, solely because I know from experience that kids in the adoption system are already damaged. Unless I ever end up with a female partner I don't think it's okay for me to have kids.

[–]Willpoll 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Eventually if I get married I wanna adopt, although I'm worried that I wouldn't be the best father :/

[–]cervix 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Artificial insemination, possibly reciprocal IVF (carrying each other's egg). Whether I carry or my partner does, whether it's my eggs or hers, makes little difference to how I'll view the child. I have no desire to involve a third party (biological parents/known donor/etc.) into the parenting equation, hence why adoption and certain forms of sperm donation aren't something I'd do.

[–]reluctant_commenter[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thanks for responding! I'm curious because I don't know much about it, is it very unlikely that biological parents get involved via artificial insemination vs other types of sperm donation?

[–]sleepless-dreamer 4 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Noooo kids for me. I'm a late-thirties bisexual woman and married to a man, and neither of us has ever wanted kids. As another commenter mentioned, the idea of pregnancy and childbirth is horrifying. We're also financially comfortable right now, but that would not be the case if we had kids. Also, I've just never felt the desire to be a mother, and I feel like you should really WANT kids if you're going to have them.

We do, however, have some nieces and nephews who we spoil unashamedly. :P

[–]mvmlego 4 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

I'm not gay, so having kids would be reasonable in that regard for me. That said, I have enough genetic issues that, if I was with someone who had similar issues, I could easily end up with children who are plagued with major medical issues, such as severe spina bifida.

I wouldn't use an IVF treatment, either, since most of the embryos resulting from that process end up frozen indefinitely or imminently dead.

With those considerations in mind, I think I'd adopt an infant if it's financially feasible for me to do so--assuming I can find a spouse.

[–]julesburm1891 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I always wanted to be able to have kids and be a mom. One of the most difficult things about realizing I’m a lesbian was that I knew I’d never get to have biological children with my partner. I always figured I’d adopt or get a sperm donor instead. Then I met met my fiancée. Suddenly, I got the whole “I want to have your babies” biological drive that straight women talk about because I definitely only want to have my fiancée’s children. We’ve talked about it a lot and decided that we aren’t going to have kids due to the cost of all available options, neither of us having a great careers for a family, and general sadness over not being able to have kids together. Instead, we’re going to focus on being really great aunts and godmothers.

I understand that adoption is a good an noble thing, but I also understand how people can spend a fortune on IVF to be able to have children together.

[–]reluctant_commenter[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thanks so much for responding, and I really appreciate your perspective of seeing both sides of the coin. Truth be told, I am kind of torn myself... values-wise, my beliefs would propel me towards adoption, but I really get the "I want to have your babies* thing.

[–]Locke 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I'm a woman married to a man though we both realized we're bisexual after being married for years. We've always wanted children and being more in touch with our sexuality didn't change that. I agree with one of the comments that it's awful how common it is to think of children as something that "just happen." My husband and I spent a lot of time and effort getting financially and emotionally prepared to be parents, and after we felt ready we tried to have a baby for a year and are now getting fertility treatment.

We agree to be sex positive with our future kids though only teach them about sexuality in age-appropriate ways, and not inappropriately let them know about our sexual activity. I was sexually abused as a child and definitely don't want my kids to go through that. I'm open to the possibility of adoption if fertility treatments don't work, though I know adoption is a long, expensive, emotionally draining process.

The first line fertility treatment I'm starting is intrauterine insemination. My husband's semen analysis results are good. We have unexplained infertility and an IUI increases our chances. I don't have a problem with single women or women in same sex relationships deciding to have an IUI with donor sperm. How could I? I might not be able to have children without that help myself. However I become a parent, my children will be so wanted and loved, and their parents will have such unique perspectives to teach them. Infertility has been painful but we're excited to be parents.

[–]HelloMomo 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I know it makes me a "bad millennial/gen z" but yes I do.

My whole generation seems absolutely horrified of pregnancy. They all frame it as an individual thing, but I think there's a larger cultural anxiety there, because it's not just, "Eh, I don't to, it's not for me," — they use words like revolted, terrified. I think it's one part the medicalization of pregnancy in the modern west, and another part the tropes that are popular in media (for example, death by childbirth was much less common in medieval times than fantasy stories depict)