all 17 comments

[–]hinterlands 25 insightful - 14 fun25 insightful - 13 fun26 insightful - 14 fun -  (0 children)

well they can join the party. LGB just left it

[–]sleepless-dreamer 11 insightful - 9 fun11 insightful - 8 fun12 insightful - 9 fun -  (0 children)

Ah, so I'm ringing in the new year with a migraine, I see.

[–][deleted] 13 insightful - 2 fun13 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 2 fun -  (12 children)

Oh, ace-umbrella people.

Pomosexuality

"A word formed by adding the prefix pomo- (shorthand for postmodern) to the adjective -sexual (suggesting a sexual preference or orientation)."

Applied postmodernism? That's queer theory.

"Pomosexuality is about not being able to “fit in” with a pre-established community within the LGBT+ community (bi, pan/omni, ace, polysexual, gray, etc.) because you find that the “typical” way of describing your sexual orientation... is not applicable to your own sense of identity."

So... you created yet another identity then, to deal with the abstract problem of not being satisfied with identities? It's circular. I'm totally cool with people stepping off the identity bandwagon, but don't just hop right back into another.

Cupiosexuality

It's gotta be asexual people who are okay with sexual activity who also realize their dating pool sucks because their asexual identity makes them less sexually interesting to the majority.

I think asexuality is a real thing, but as far as the identity goes, it's a very heterogeneous group. I'm not certain what portion of that identity group actually lacks all erotic interests. They're enculturating themselves to deny it, certainly. The aegosexual subidentity, which is generally understood to make up a sizeable portion of asexual-identified people, do have erotic interests--just ones they don't want to act on with other people. Why? Is there a psychopathology at play? Atypical sexual interests? Atypical interests that can't be acted upon with other people? Such as My Little Pony fetishism or "Macrophilia"--50 foot tall women? Fairly certain that's a "yes."

[–]HelloMomo 13 insightful - 2 fun13 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 2 fun -  (11 children)

I think asexuality is a real thing, but as far as the identity goes, it's a very heterogeneous group. I'm not certain what portion of that identity group actually lacks all erotic interests.

I thought I was full-on ace for a full decade (I was basically to asexuality as transmeds are to tucutes) and during that time the ace community drove me crazy.

[–][deleted] 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (10 children)

They're an interesting bunch, got their head in the sand a fair bit. I've posited some different challenges to ace people occasionally, but I get the same parroted response back every time.

What really upsets me about them is they don't understand any sexual diversity beyond plain heterosexuality, and they only want to look through the lens of very specific sex acts, not eroticism in general or anything out of the ordinary. They, as a sexual minority group, are largely incapable of helping other sexual minority individuals that best belong in a different group find their way.

"If you think you might be ace, you probably ace." "It's a spectrum."

That kind of thinking leads me to believe it's not a particularly secure and solid identity for the majority of them that hold it.

[–]fuckupaddamsBisexual Terve 13 insightful - 8 fun13 insightful - 7 fun14 insightful - 8 fun -  (1 child)

"If you think you might be ace, you probably ace." "It's a spectrum."

That's what they say about goddamn everything

[–][deleted] 7 insightful - 4 fun7 insightful - 3 fun8 insightful - 4 fun -  (0 children)

The more, the merrier. I can't be wrong if other people agree with me.

[–]HelloMomo 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (7 children)

they only want to look through the lens of very specific sex acts, not eroticism in general

Yes! That is exactly it. I've written before about how I think "erotic attraction" is a more useful term than either "romantic" or "sexual" attraction.

I'm not sure what's going on with the adult portion of the ace spectrum, but as for myself and the other teens I talked to back then, we were kids who hadn't figured out our sexualities yet. In an oversexed society, and in queer spaces where bisexuality is demanded from everyone (you have to be open to dating trans people) asexuality is shield for a lot of us.

Also, many of us were gay, and we were halfway to realizing it. (You've heard of people who thought they were bi before realizing they're gay? Same idea; different route.)

But I really do think that it was mostly a good thing for me in the long run. Believing I was asexual during my formative teen years instilled in me: a) you are not a sex object, b) you don't have to go through the movements if you don't want to; you don't have to be open to anything, c) you will be ok even if you're single long-term.

[–][deleted] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

You've heard of people who thought they were bi before realizing they're gay?

Certainly. Transitional bisexuality... Transitional asexuality. I went through it. What a strange layover.

But I really do think that it was mostly a good thing for me in the long run.

I see your points, they make sense. I derived an immense amount of knowledge from that point in my life. I wouldn't trade that, ever, and I think it's foolish to put a value judgement on something given so many other unknown paths one could have taken, but I have a somewhat negative attitude overall there. I looked at your post history, I found your blog. It's refreshing to find a kindred spirit. You're clearly a thinker, a clever one at that, but how many people in your same position are afforded such intellect or knowledge? That's the point of the blog, isn't it?

[–][deleted] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

What do you mean be erotic attraction and how would you say it is different to sexual attraction?

[–]HelloMomo 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

I don't mean different, I mean broader. In asexual discourse, sexual attraction gets boiled down to "you straight-up literally want to have sex with this person", and that doesn't really encompass the breadth of a lot of people's experiences.

[–][deleted] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Ok. So I guess it would be where someone has fantasies of a particular sex or enjoys porn of that sex but isn't interested in having that sex?

[–]HelloMomo 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Mostly it's me borrowing from the work of the brilliant and amazing couple's therapist Esther Perel, who often uses the term "eroticism" to get away from a strictly literal definition of sexuality. That *strictly literal definition of sexuality is also extremely present in asexual discourse.

A quote from Esther Perel's book The State of Affairs:

Sexual alchemy is a term I choose to use rather than “sex” because I prefer a definition of sexuality that goes beyond Bill Clinton’s—one that does not stop at a narrow repertoire of sexual acts but includes a broader understanding of the erotic mind, body, and energy.

The whole point is that it's not about creating a checklist of things it does or does not include, which people can wring their hands on and argue their way around. It's more about the poetics of someone who makes your blood run hotter.

[–][deleted] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you. I'll take a look at it. It is true that people will eroticise (as you put it) things they can't or would want to engage with sexually in a physical way.

[–][deleted] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

So, so much hand-wringing.

[–]SillyMoneyGoose 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Haha amazing