RantDoes any other lesbian or gay men feels this way?

submitted by oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡ from self.LGBDropTheT

I'm 23 and out since 14. I'm a lesbian. Why do I still hate the fact that I'm "different" from other girls? Like the only difference between before "accepting myself" and now is that I've given up trying to like guys because I just know it won't work and it will only put me depressed. So technically I have accepted myself and my homosexuality. But I still have this huge conflict inside me. Like, it's okay that I like girls, I don't find that it's something I should be afraid of or ashamed of anymore and I'm proud of it. But on the other, I hate it so much that I'll never be like the other girls. I hate that I'll never understand them and what it's like to like guys. I don't know, it's just that I constantly feel the "odd one". Like practically all my friends are female and straight and I'm so fed up of feeling out of place. I just want to fit in. I feel like they don't understand why I like women. And besides liking women, I love femininity and I honestly don't like masculinity at all. So I really really cannot relate to them at all. Like firstly, I don't understand what they see in male bodies that is so interesting. And after that, I also don't understand why they like muscled bodies? And like that kind of "alpha" masculine personality, omg I don't know how to put it into words but I just don't geeeeet it. I'm so sorry, I just need to vent. Because currently, I'm not able to come out because I don't want to be seen as different from my girl friends but on the other hand I'm fed up of lying by omission ughhhh. I don't know how to deal with this. I hate this.

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[–][deleted] 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I kind of get it, but I don't feel proud either. I know I will always be different and society will see me as a "failed male", but that doesn't mean I'm happy about it. Acceptance doesn't equal appreciation.

I also don't understand why they like muscled bodies? And like that kind of "alpha" masculine personality, omg I don't know how to put it into words but I just don't geeeeet it.

Neither do I, and I'm a homosexual male. It's an odd thing.

I don't even feel accepted or related to other homosexuals, I feel too different even from that. I don't do "pride", I don't get gay culture and in-jokes, and I don't have a boyfriend nor do I hook up. So I think I'll always be a "freak among freaks" if that makes any sense.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

This could have been written by me omggg... I also feel like a "freak among freaks". I also don't do pride, and don't get gay culture. Like I'm just a regular woman. Just because I'm gay it doesnt mean I need to have rainbow stuff all over my bedroom idk... And you're absolutely right - acceptance doesn't eqauk appreciation. I guess that's the way I feel about my homosexuality... Thank you for your message, for real.

[–]SkinnyVanilla 11 insightful - 1 fun11 insightful - 0 fun12 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I did feel that way when I was younger, like around your age. In retrospect, I think I was just lonely. I stopped feeling that way once I had experienced loves of my own who loved me back

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you for your message. I have experienced reciprocated love so I'm not sure this applies. But I haven't been with someone for quite a while, so perhaps it doesn't help?

[–]reluctant_commenter 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Yeah I definitely relate. Except that I think women with muscles are hot. Lol.

I hate that I'll never understand them and what it's like to like guys.

Hmm. That's interesting. Does that bother you? I don't mind so much that I will never know what it's like to like guys. I figure that in terms of the experience of having a crush on a guy, it would probably just be similar to having a crush on a girl, except that the little details you get obsessed over are different ones-- maybe you really like beards or man muscles or whatever, lol. The stuff that draws your attention might be different. But you still have the same experience of being able to have a crush, you know? I try to understand my straight female friends' crushes as: she is looking at him, the same way I am looking at her ("her" being another woman, I mean, lol. Preferably someone who is not straight, thanks brain). It's a crazy thought, to be honest-- that a lot of women see men the way that I see women. But everyone's different, you know?

I feel like it would be a lot harder to relate to straight women if I were asexual.

Because currently, I'm not able to come out because I don't want to be seen as different from my girl friends but on the other hand I'm fed up of lying by omission ughhhh.

I also feel this. I accidentally came out to several people, though, so now I guess I don't have to decide, hahaha.

edit: Also I appreciate you making this post because I wish I had more people to talk to about this stuff. I am following r/BiologicalLesbians but I am sure the gender identity ideologists will get them banned from reddit soon, so I'm trying not to get too attached.

edit2: Aaaaand it hasn't been even 24 hours since I made this comment and r/BiologicalLesbians is banned. Great.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It does bother me feeling different from other women because I feel like it's the only thing that I have different from many other women. Like, I feel like I'm just like any regular women, not a tomboy or GNC or anything of the sort, I can relate a lot to women in basically all aspects BUT that one sexuality aspect. And that makes me feel sort of "othered". Maybe because it's the only substancial thing that I feel it's different from them I don't know.

Yeah, I can't believe BiollgicalLesbians was banned. It only proves once more were right. On the other hand, I honestly see more and more people peaking and I see more and more lesbians mad at the situations and expressing their anger and not being afraid anymore of trying to create their spaces, despite getting banned.

[–]INeedSomeTimeAsexual Ally 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Not lesbian but asexual (ally here) but I relate to it. I always cringed when I saw girls thirsting over "alpha" dominant guys and daydreaming about being dominated and submissive to them. Oh god.

Anyways what you feel isn't anything weird especially when you are surrounded by people, who cannot understand your experience even if they tried. But you're not alone. Good to remember.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah, good point - asexuals can have difficulty relating of course. Even more difficulty than me, as at least I have sexual feelings and attractions. Thank you.

[–]reluctant_commenter 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I always cringed when I saw girls thirsting over "alpha" dominant guys and daydreaming about being dominated and submissive to them. Oh god.

Totally agree, although I kinda wonder whether that is more in the realm of a fetish and less something that characterizes all opposite-sex attraction.

[–]Three_oneFourWanted for thought crimes in countless ideologies 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

It is sometimes annoying that, as someone who is already socially inept, that's just one fewer thing I can try to relate to the majority of other guys with, but hearing the conversations some guys have about seeking women, it's probably for the better that I cannot relate to any of them.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah,good point haha! But I get you as I'm introvert as well.

[–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I'm totally cool with my homosexuality, but I don't see the point in being proud of it. Like, I don't hate it, but there's no point in being proud of things that I can't change.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I totally get where you're coming from and I do agree. When I say I'm proud, what I truly mean is I'm not ashamed anymore.

[–]Ricky_Ticky 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

I can totally relate to your issue. When I was your age I lived in a country with a very dominant heteronormative culture and all my friends (as well as everybody around me) were straight. I didn't see it as a big deal back then because I was convinced that I make friends based on common interests and not same sexual orientation, so I don't need "pride", gay pals and all that gay subculture.

At the same time deep down I felt like an outcast among my straight girlfriends and this feeling has only been growing with time. I was tired of pretending I was oh so interested in their dating life, marriage plans, etc. When I was sharing my personal stories, I felt like my friends tried hard to get it but they were just not connected to it. I lived with an odd feeling of being out and closeted at the same time.

At some point I moved to a very gay friendly country and little by little I started exploring gay culture and surrounding myself with gay friends. The feeling of finally being who I am and having people around me that get me, was overwhelming. I am not saying you should do the same :), obviously not. But maybe opening yourself up towards gay culture a bit more will make you feel less different and more at ease with yourself?

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Thank you so much for your answer. I'm sure that if I met other lesbians like me and had more visibility it would help me A LOT. So yes, I agree with you when you say I should explore gay culture and surround myself with gay friends. Thing is I'm starting to hate how the LGB(TQ++++) community has become because of the TQ+ ideology. TQ+ ideology is shutting down all lesbian spaces, and it's becoming all about gender and I'm so sick of it.

[–]Ricky_Ticky 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Yes, TQ+ ideology did not exist back then and in all honesty gay community was a much more fun and supporting place to belong to compared to how it is nowadays. But don't lose hope! You don't need to be friends with the whole community. If you manage to find at least a couple of like-minded lesbian friends who you share similar career interests, hobbies, sense of humour with, you'll feel a lot better.

I still have many straight friends and I love them. But my connection to my gay friends is somehow deeper and I can relate to them on a whole different level.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Thank you sweetheart 😘 and merry Christmas by the way haha!! 🎄🎅

[–]Ricky_Ticky 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Oooh thank you! 😘 Merry Christmas and happy New Year to you 😀

[–]Nohope 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (58 children)

All I get from this post and the comments is not even gay people accept themselves, and even when they think they do they still harbor some resentment towards being different from straight people and are jealous of straight people which means they are not fully accepting of their attraction. That's sad.

Are all the people in the LGBDropTheT circle like this? I thought the circle dropped the T because the T is homophobic, but here I see gay people being homophobic towards themselves, even if it's not towards other gay people. I saw the same thing in the LGBDropTheT on reddit that is not there anymore. I don't think one can criticize the T for being homophobic, when they are homophobic themselves.

I don't agree with the T and agree with dropping it. I just don't think I belong to this circle if the people in it have internalized homophobia.

I don't want to upset you OP and the others, I just am surprised to see posts like yours and comments like this. I can not relate to you and others. I am proud and never felt ashamed of being a lesbian, and not being able to understand girls that "like" boys, or boys that "like" girls. I don't wish to understand them, and see no point in it. I am me, they are them. I put the time you put on being upset over not being able to understand straight girls and straight boys, on trying to understand myself, "what makes me happy today", "what should I do to overcome the boredom now", etc.

I never thought of being different as a bad thing either, but a good thing. Being like the others is boring, and I can't stand it. Imagine a salad that is all just lettuce, and nothing else. That's like what you want, when you want to be like the others, everyone being straight. But I don't understand you. There should be some diversity in the salad. There should be other ingredients to give it color, such as tomatoes, cabbage, bell peppers, etc. There should be something else or it's boring and I can't even look at it.

And the other ingredients are the gay people, exactly what we need to give everything color, and make things not boring.

But yeah, if you want to continue feeling the way you do, then no matter what I say I won't be able to help you.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I never thought of being different as a bad thing either, but a good thing. Being like the others is boring, and I can't stand it.

So this is our main difference between us. I'm the exact opposite of you. I NEVER wanted to be different. I hate being the "center" of attention, I don't like to stand out in anyway, be it good or bad. I'm an introvert and I like to be discreet. And being gay forces me to "stand out" in a way that it's not "common" to be gay. And that I'm "forced" to face homophobia, to have a 'non traditional life' and to deal with an heteronormative society and all the crap lesbians still have to deal with. I'm very glad that you're the opposite of me, because it clearly has made your journey much easier.

Besides this, it's not that I have internalized homophobia anymore. I do know what it's like to have internalized homophobia though - feeling ashamed and disgusted of myself for liking the same sex. I did feel those things at one point in my life right after coming out at my mom and things not going well and losing friends etc etc. Now, I don't feel any of that. I don't think there's anything "wrong" with me and I've embraced my lesbianism. But I don't see sexuality as something that could be boring or not, it's just a characteristic of mine.

It's not that I hate being a lesbian per say. I hate being a lesbian in an heteronormative society and its implications, which is very different. In an idealized society, I would be much much happier.

You also sound like you had a pretty chill coming out journey. I might be wrong, but if you've never felt once ashamed of being a lesbian, what I think right away is that you never faced rough discrimination, in particular from your family or close friends. I might be totally wrong and if I am, then congrats to you for feeling great about yourself.

[–]Nohope 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Thank you for your response, I did not expect one so fast! I am an introvert like you, socialization is draining, and I have a tendency to stay in my room most times instead of talking to others, unless there is a meaningful conversation to be had. The moment I go in my room (which is a wave of relief in and of itself), I go from being exposed to others to a safe haven away from others' eyes and ears. And I feel so much better that way.

But I guess there are different types of introverts? Because while I do hate socialization, I don't mind being the center of attention. Definitely not all the time, but it feels good to be paid attention to, whether the attention is good or bad. I think not wanting to be paid attention to is social anxiety and not introversion, because the only people I have talked to that had fear of attention had social anxiety. But I'm no psychologist UwU. I think it's best to talk to a psychologist about this and see if it's introversion or social anxiety that you have.

I understand why you feel like this being in a heteronormative society, I really do, I just hope you understand it is not your fault the society is messed up, and you shouldn't hate yourself or your attraction for that.

I'm actually in a very religious and homophobic country, where if someone openly says they are gay, in the worst case scenario they will be sent to prison and let's just say it will not be pleasant for them after that. My family were homophobic because they were religious. But when I was in highschool, once we all sat down, had a discussion on atheism and they slowly became atheists, they stopped being homophobic. It was a process, but it was really worth it.

I have never faced discrimination in the family ever since. In public, if I say that I am gay, I will be discriminated against by the religious. But I still fight for gay people in public, and even get in arguments with religious people. So far nothing happened to me! And I'm not really scared.

At first, the reason I never hated myself and was proud of being gay despite being in a homophobic country was that it gave me no satisfaction to bow down to the homophobes and let them win the game they started. In this heteronormative society, gay people are discriminated against, by hating ourselves or wishing we were like straight people, they would win, they would get what they want, which is us wishing we were not us and changed to be what they want us to be.

What makes them angry and slowly feel like burning inside? Me being happy about who I am and rubbing it on their faces. So I never missed the chance to tell them how much I like being gay and wouldn't change it for the world whenever they asked "do you wish you were straight"

Yes, I have quite a ton of fire inside of me.

But I think that's easy to understand, imagine this, you are in a society where "nerds" (I mean overly studious people) are constantly bullied, and discriminated against (in my country, "nerds" are not bullied, but praised) and you are a "nerd" who cares about her grades and getting in the best university in that country.

They bully you, and discriminate against you, but you stay strong, and don't bow down to them, because you know deep down it's not your fault they do this to you. You shouldn't change and hate yourself just because they don't like you and the way you are, they should change and stop harassing you.

That's what happens to gay people, and you shouldn't wish you were different to meet the expectations of homophobes. It's not your fault they do this to you. You shouldn't change and hate yourself because they don't like you and the way you are, they should change and stop harassing and discriminating against you.

You only have this one time (YOLO?), so don't waste it on wishing you were like those straight people. Use the time to make yourself happy, not make the homophobes happy.

There is another reason why I am proud of being gay, but that is a whole different topic that can take hours to talk about.

I just want you to know that, to me, gay people are like gold, very valuable and others are just too blind to see this.

I mean look at gold. It's characteristics are that it's a soft yellow metal, an excellent conductor of electricity, etc. These are just characteristics of gold, and yet they make it so valuable. Without gold, things would be a bit boring don't you think?

Yes being gay is just a characteristic, but without gay people, things would be really boring. And who can change the heteronormative society? Definitely not straight people themselves. Only gay and bi people can do that. It will take a while, but let us gay people take each other's hand, and fight to make the heteronormative society as non-heteronormative as possible while we are here, even if just a small part of this society will change it's better than nothing 😊

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I don't have anxiety, I dont "fear" being the center of attention. I just don't like being the center of attention. I even have a music degree so I'm pretty used to be exposed to public constantly. I have no problem whatsoever "approaching" people or talking to people or presenting things to people. I'm actually very used to it lmao. I just don't like being the center of attention and never have in my life.

We're clearly very different. Thank you for sharing your story and I'm glad you feel happy. Cheers.

[–]MyLongestJourney 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Can not relate op.I acknowledge I am different than other women on one aspect. On the other hand I do not feel alienated.Apart from common experiences related to womanhood on the basis that I and them belong to the female reproductive class,I also possess a thing called empathy.Which extends to both women and men. I also do not feel alienated when they find male bodies "interesting". They are heterosexual,I am homosexual and that is fine. I have no problem when they talk about their families,their husbands,their children and their everyday struggles.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Okay good for you haha