you are viewing a single comment's thread.

view the rest of the comments →

[–][deleted] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Depends on he person. My IRL friends are mainly 'terfs' but I do have a few online TRA friends. Generally I don't bring up trans stuff until they bring it up first, call out their bs by asking questions, or don't talk to them much at all. I'll give a few examples.

Friend #1 is actually someone I met online but now see regularly in person over the past few years. She shared a post calling JKR a transphobe and I asked her point blank if she'd read JKR's tweets or essay. She said no. I urged her to read them for herself but I summarized it and she liked my comment. I had a feeling she would because about a year or so before that she came to me feeling guilty and frustrated that TRAs would call her a transphobe for not liking dick. I supported her 100% and told her it's ridiculous for her to try and force it and that anyone who'd call her a bigot for something she can't help is in the wrong.

Friend #2 is an online friend I've known for several years. She is a self proclaimed 'biromantic asexual' and is a lot more woke than friend #1. However one day she came to me claiming not to understand the concept of a 'heteroromantic homosexual' and called it ridiculous. I told her point blank someone could say the same thing about the label she gave herself. She 'defended' it by saying she's ace but still gets crushes so for HER it made sense. I reiterated that all she needs to do to understand it is apply the same bullshit logic she gave herself to this other concept she was having so much trouble with. She kept saying 'shouldn't they match?' and I kept agreeing, continuing to point out that hers should also match. We eventually dropped it but being called out made her think.

Friend #3 is an FTM I used to talk with regularly. We initially bonded over something else but the bonding continued when we both shared our struggles with gender identity and both started identifying as trans. I noticed a metric ton of internalized misogyny in her, and I would continually ask her if she was sure she didn't just hate the way she was treated for being female. She'd say no she just feels more comfortable presenting male (which is literally what I asked her, but whatever). Ironically talking with her is part of what peaked me. I remember once she said she wanted to be treated the same as she is now, just for people to see her as male. I remember thinking that's impossible, and she knows it's impossible. People WILL treat you differently based on the sex they see you as. That's kind of the entire point of why people transition. Then a few weeks later she came to me ecstatic that some people at a party didn't treat her like the rest of the girls there. I knew right then she was running away from her femaleness not out of some innately 'male brain' but to escape the way she's been treated over the years for being female. I knew right then she was transitioning out of internalized misogyny and didn't want to admit it because that would mean she's not 'really' trans (spoiler alert: no one is). We don't talk much anymore. Mostly because this year I would check on her regularly every few weeks only to get a few lines of conversation in response. So when she finally decided she wanted to talk again after 6 months I was sick of it.

Out of all of these people, I don't bring up JKR or Ellen. It's worked pretty well. I don't open up the channels of communication about TRA stuff unless they bring it up first. I ask questions and encourage them to look at facts. I encourage them to look at themselves and their hypocrisy.

[–][deleted] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

This is really smart. I'll avoid Ellen and JKR. JKR did come up but my friend kept repeating TRA party line.