LifestyleI don't want to be out

submitted by oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡ from self.LGBDropTheT

Hello everyone. This is really the only place where I can ask for advice, I know this might not be exactly on topic for this sub but I don't have anywhere else. I'm a lesbian and I'm out to parents and friends since 14. So, there's nothing I have to be afraid of generally speaking. However, I'm now starting a 2nd degree and in my 1st degree, there were lots of women and gay men there. Obviously, there were straight men as well and diversity of people, but there weren't much. I felt comfortable and safe being out. Well, this year I'm taking a degree in which is the opposite... There's lots of men and very few women. And straight men, specifically. I used to be on Tinder but I deleted the app before starting college. But now I kinda wished I was meeting women to date, but I'm so afraid someone finds me out on one of those dating apps. I basically don't feel safe surrounded by so many straight men. Even with my girl friends, I struggle a lot more to come out, because for example one of them has a bf in my degree and college as well. I don't want any man to know because I feel like if one man knows, all the other men will know and spread the word and fetishize me. There's lots of them. I honestly don't feel comfortable at all and don't know what to do :'( does someone have any advice? Am I thinking too much? Thank you so much if you managed to read until the end

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[–]Willpoll 19 insightful - 1 fun19 insightful - 0 fun20 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Alright. The first thing you have to realize is that all that matters in this situation is how you think. you don't owe anyone the knowledge of you being a lesbian and that knowledge is yours to do with as you will. If you don't feel comfortable being out to anyone right now then you don't have to be out to anyone. Is it just alot of straight guys in your degree, or do you know them well enough to point them out outside of the classroom?

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Thank you for your answer, I really appreciate it. I'm not sure I quite understood your last answer, but my degree is really full of straight men. I know there's a gay guy, basically the only guy with whom I was able to make some connection with. But women and gay guys are definitely more like the minority here. Unfortunately :/ I just would like to know how to meet other women without being out. I think it's impossible 😅

[–]Willpoll 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

no worries for not understanding it lol. I was asking if you see those guys anywhere besides the classroom because it stands to reason that if you don't see them out and about too much you could safely come out to a couple close friends if you feel like it.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Yes, I dont have any contact with them besides the classroom. I'm still getting to know people from my class, but yes, I'm going to see if I'm safe with the close friends I've been getting to know lately. Thank you.

[–]OPPRESSED_REPTILIANIntersex male | GNC | Don't call me "a gay", "twink" or "queen" 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

You never, EVER are obligated to "come out", to anyone, ever. Especially if you fear that people might use it against you - but even if you live in a more accepting place, you don't owe anyone an explanation. Sexuality is personal business and if you choose to keep it to yourself, power to you.

The modern idea of "coming out" is nothing more than virtue signalling and attention seeking. People only pressure others to "come out" so they can use them for arguments or fetishize them. You're not "homophobic" or wrong for wanting to not come out.

I'm a homosexual guy, and I barely tell anyone. I'm not really "in danger" physically, it's more that people will mock me or fetishize me, but regardless, it's my personal business and I simply don't see the point in being "out."

I would recommend, if you are interested in dating, finding smaller close-knit groups online with people you share interests and things in common with. I don't believe that you need dating apps or lesbian/gay specific spaces to find someone, and I think you'll probably have more success (and less stress) by meeting people for who they are & what they have in common with you than trying to specifically seek out other lesbians (who may or may not be guys pretending to be girls, if it's online, or otherwise people who claim to be LGBT+ but are the kind to hate you for being "transphobic" or something.)

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you very much for your answer. I totally agree with you. I hate the fact that many young people nowadays treat gay as something "cool" or to get attention. I never wanted to be homosexual, but I've learned to embraced it and to see people using it as a personality trait gets on my nerves. I'm going to try to follow your advice and see what types of groups I can join. Thank you.

[–][deleted] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

If you don't feel comfortable being out then you don't have to come out. We change our behaviors all the time depending on the situation, and yours has clearly changed from you feeling safe to now feeling unsafe.

You don't need a reason for not wanting to come out. It's a personal thing and 'because I don't want to' is reason enough. But I'd say not wanting to be fetishized in an environment where you're surrounded by straight men is a pretty damn good reason if you'd be out otherwise. Don't let anything you see, read, or hear make you think you're being paranoid or misandrist for having these fears either. It's an unfortunate consequence of your reality as a lesbian. Even if some straight guys don't fetishize lesbians, there are more than a few who get aggressive 'why do you hate men?' etc when they find out a woman is a lesbian. If I were in your shoes I wouldn't want to be out either. I'm not out at work for similar reasons.

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your sweet words. I really needed to hear this. I feel understood and not crazy. Its good to find and talk to people who understand what I'm feeling and makes me feel, like I said, less crazy. So thank you, sweet person <3

[–]PenseePansyBio-Sex or Bust 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

If you don't want to be, then you shouldn't be! Let your feelings guide you here. Especially if they're telling you that it isn't safe.

Maybe look at it this way: "outness" needn't be an all-or-nothing deal-- where either you tell every single person you encounter, or nobody knows. I think that you can be out selectively. Like only where, and to whom, and in what way, you choose. If this doesn't include school, that's fine. And if a female friend's bf is in your school/degree, it might not include her, either. My advice: if it feels like a struggle to come out? Maybe that's an indication that it's just not right for you. At least under those circumstances. So don't force it. Listen to your feelings; try to hear what they're telling you... what they're warning you about, and why.

Would it be possible for you to meet prospective dates through friends, maybe? (At least trusted ones you're comfortably-out to.) If using apps feels too public? This would not only allow you to keep your sexual orientation private, it'd have the added advantage of reliably screening out all those (ugh) lesbian-pestering men.

Actually, while I wouldn't worry about whether you "should" come out or not (your only duty there is to yourself), that you're feeling uncomfortable, and even unsafe, is another matter entirely. That's real cause for concern! Have any of these straight men treated you in a way that felt creepy or threatening? Or sent signals that this might be their inclination? If so, please don't ignore it! Do what you can to protect yourself, OK? And even if nothing like that has happened, you are still entitled to your feelings, especially since they're based on longstanding experience that's made you wary of straight men.

Hope this wasn't TL;DR! (or at least not overly so!) And that it helps, at least a little. Please feel free to keep me posted, OK? :)

[–]oofreesouloo⚡super lesbian⚡[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Im so sorry for the delay, but I've been busy with the college and I've been much less often here!!! Thank you so much for your message, I really appreciate, I'm sorry that this is such a crappy answer and so late ugh. I hope you're doing well :)

[–]LushCanopy 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I've been in your situation before (being scared of straight men finding out about my sexuality and making a big deal out of it). The reality is that most straight people are nice (after high school lol) and don't really care about it at all. You definitely do not have to come out to them if you are not comfortable, but this shouldn't stop you from downloading a dating app imo.

[–][deleted] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Don't worry too much about what the people you are doing your degree with will think. You probably won't see most of them again afterwards except any you make friends with. Imo, treat it like a professional relationship. You don't have to tell people at you degree, but that doesn't mean you can't have a private life. If it comes up you could be honest and tell them what you are comfortable with, or you could just leave it and lie and say you're single or something. I don't think there should be any pressure on you to out yourself, however I think you're over thinking this to the point where it's detrimental to you. Do you live in a super conservative area or something? I don't think the men there will fetishize you— they probably won't care, and I would think they would be smart enough to keep things professional if your relationship is just about studying together / going to the same classes.