BisexualHelping out bi coworker

submitted by julesburm1891 from self.LGBDropTheT

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[–]haveanicedaytoo💗💜💙 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Yeah, generational trauma has a lot to do with it, I think.

Have you heard of the 4F's? (Fight, flight, freeze, fawn.) There's a guy named Pete Walker who wrote a book about Complex PTSD that has some in-depth info on this stuff (for example, I'm mostly freeze, but when it passes a certain level of threatening, I go into a beast mode version of fight.) You sound like you might be a mix of flight+fight.

Even if it ends up not applying to you, it will apply to so many people around you that it's still a valuable resource:

https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/20556323

[–]yousaythosethingsFind and Replace "gatekeeping" with "having boundaries" 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Checking in to say I have diagnosed complex PTSD and mine is definitely a result of intergenerational trauma. Looks like I’m going to end it by not procreating. . . .

In me it caused a lot of dissociative behavior that I never realized was happening but it really fucked me up with understanding my sexual orientation as I was in such a fog and so disconnected from my body.

[–]reluctant_commenter 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Jesus, are you me? Every part of that is true for me as well, lol.

You know-- do you think maybe, part of why some lesbians can't wrap their head around the idea of late bloomers / being in a relationship with a man for years without realizing you're lesbian, because they don't understand the extent of the damage from complex trauma? They say, "How could you not know you were gay?", but dude, I didn't even know what my favorite fucking color was til like last year, that's how much my abusers tried to stamp out my individuality.

Perhaps this is a conversation better continued over message or another post, haha. I don't want to derail too hard.

[–]yousaythosethingsFind and Replace "gatekeeping" with "having boundaries" 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

You know-- do you think maybe, part of why some lesbians can't wrap their head around the idea of late bloomers / being in a relationship with a man for years without realizing you're lesbian, because they don't understand the extent of the damage from complex trauma? They say, "How could you not know you were gay?", but dude, I didn't even know what my favorite fucking color was til like last year, that's how much my abusers tried to stamp out my individuality.

On the one hand I get it because like how can you realize that you’re attracted to one sex and not the other when attraction is such a full-body experience? And there are a lot of lesbiantrenders out there and if I went on a date with someone and got those vibes, I’d be totally put off/kinda freaked out. But I do think it comes down to, as you said, people not understanding (1) all of the various circumstances, factors, trauma, disruption to life, etc. that make it difficult to process our feelings generally separate and apart from accepting ourselves as gay. These factors go beyond just societal attitudes toward homosexuality. And (2) that we as late bloomers are not new to our feelings of same-sex attraction. We are new to recognizing the full extent of the pattern, letting ourselves feel those feelings, putting a name to them, and internalizing them or to being in a position where we can finally accept those feelings even if we recognized them before.

Trauma makes it hard for you to put your feelings in context. I had a poor sense of self, and I was always being gaslit, and so I gaslit myself, and treated myself poorly generally. I also knew early on that I would have to make trade-offs in my life. I’ve never believed that I could “have it all.” I don’t really fit the profile of a lesbiantrender since I’m not shouting it from the rooftops, and outside of my one relationship with a man, I’ve been on two, maybe four dates, if you count the double dates where I went because it was my female friend who I actually liked who kept trying to set me up with guys lol. The one I wrote my embarrassingly gay letter to. The two solo dates I didn’t even want to go on but I told myself I should want to go on them and that therefore I should just do it because there was something wrong with me for not wanting to. And I never went in on more than one date. My only relationship with a guy was born out of us being close friends hanging out all the time for months. We actually never really “dated.” I have nothing to gain by making this up, but I do have a lot to lose, and I have.

Perhaps this is a conversation better continued over message or another post, haha. I don't want to derail too hard.

Yes, anytime!

[–]reluctant_commenter 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

On the one hand I get it because like how can you realize that you’re attracted to one sex and not the other when attraction is such a full-body experience? 

Actually, this is EXACTLY the point! I think trauma survivors are often so out-of-tune with their own bodies-- a protective mechanism to lesson pain associated with abuse-- that they wouldn't even notice a bunch of other bodily sensations, be it attraction sensations or even simply the sensation of hunger.

And (2) that we as late bloomers are not new to our feelings of same-sex attraction. We are new to recognizing the full extent of the pattern, letting ourselves feel those feelings, putting a name to them, and internalizing them or to being in a position where we can finally accept those feelings even if we recognized them before.

EXACTLY. This is a really important point to verbalize, and actually, one that I thought was so obvious that I didn't think it needed verbalizing-- but now you mention it, I realize some people may have totally missed it.

You mention acceptance vs. recognition of feelings. That is also an important distinction to make. I actually did have very brief moments of recognition, at least 3-4 times throughout my growing up (once even when I was like 8), but I was very fast at burying/avoiding those thoughts til I forgot them.

I had a poor sense of self, and I was always being gaslit, and so I gaslit myself, and treated myself poorly generally. I also knew early on that I would have to make trade-offs in my life. I’ve never believed that I could “have it all.” 

Dude, I struggle with this SO much. I recently got what is basically a dream job for me, and am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I can actually have that + my hobbies + actual friends who care about me + a bunch of other shit.. it's overwhelming in a way, to be honest. Good problems to have, though.

if you count the double dates where I went because it was my female friend who I actually liked who kept trying to set me up with guys lol.

Oh man, RIP haha.

I'll message you! :)