Aces and Aros

submitted by Beth-BR from self.LGBDropTheT

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[–]HelloMomo 25 insightful - 1 fun25 insightful - 0 fun26 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

(For context, I thought I was aro ace for a decade. I wrote a thing about that here if you're curious.)

First off, I don't believe in the split attraction model. The split attraction model isn't something that a researcher came up with to describe their findings, such as the Kinsey Scale. It's not a concept a philosopher put forth in an essay, complete with an explanation and defense. This framework is literally just something someone on the internet came up with, and then other people were like, "Sure, ok," and started using. The only evidence than posits this is a useful or accurate way to describe people's patterns of attraction is anecdotal accounts of "this works for me," and for each of those, there's more personal accounts saying the opposite.

I've yet to see a satisfying definition of romantic attraction in which it's not contingent on sexual attraction, but is also distinct from platonic fondness. I think romantic attraction is fondness (like friend fondness) but flavored by the hormones that attraction triggers. Sure, there are some people who aren't really interested in sex, but I see that as a variant rather than a distinct sexuality.

I do think that real asexual people (aromantic asexuals) do exist, albeit very rarely. It's the logical 4th sexuality: there are 2 sexes, each of which you can be into or not. And those real asexuals have a fair amount in common with gay people—lacking cross-sex attraction and being unable to be part of a straight relationship is a big deal, and to brush that off as "nothing" is very flippant.

But at present, I don't think it's logistically possible to include them without opening a huge can of worms and causing way more harm than its worth.

[–]zephyranthes 4 insightful - 2 fun4 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 2 fun -  (5 children)

And those real asexuals have a fair amount in common with gay people—lacking cross-sex attraction and being unable to be part of a straight relationship is a big deal, and to brush that off as "nothing" is very flippant.

It's not a "big deal", it's literally nothing.

[–]HelloMomo 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

It's a non-thing, yes, but it's an absence that people feel very acutely, which is stigmatized, and which plays a large hand in shaping people's lives. It's a non-thing, but it's not a non-issue. It's absence is not trivial.

[–]peaked2020 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

For totally different reasons than LGB though... they agave more similar problems to child free on reddit than LGB.

[–]HelloMomo 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I don't think you're going to change your mind, so I'm gonna make this my last post.

Basically, what you're saying is not my personal experience. I misidentified my lesbianism as asexuality because they do have something important and fundamental in common. I realized I wasn't interested in boys a decade before I realized I liked girls. It was the "abnormal" part; it what stood out. My interest in girls slipped under the radar, given the pseudo-romantic nature of female friendships, but I had no explanation for my lack of crushes on boys. It's common enough to hear "I thought I was bi for a while before I realized I'm gay", but the inverse version of "I thought I was ace before I realized I'm gay" is not unique to me—I've since heard it from multiple other people as well.

There is definitely a lot about asexuals that is completely different from anyone else. They have major questions to face about what a life not based around central romantic partnerships looks like, and they don't have that in common with any other sexuality. I'm doubt there's really be much to be gained from an alliance between them and gay and bi folk—one more reason that I'm not advocating for it.

But homosexuals and asexuals do have one major thing in common, and I think there's room for understanding between us around this shared experience. If there's no understanding to be had between you and them, that's ok. But between me and them there is. At the very least, we'll always share Artemis.

[–]peaked2020 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

That happens with everything... a lot of girls also don’t think they are gay and think they just don’t want a marriage. Or that they just don’t want children... or that they just think kissing isn’t so interesting. Or that they simply prefer to focus on school... or that nobody is good enough for them... or that they are too busy... the mind will find many ways to not understand that it’s different from others, going under the normal society’s rules.

None of this means that we need to include all of these communities in LGB.

[–]yousaythosethingsFind and Replace "gatekeeping" with "having boundaries" 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Oof, I had some awareness of my attraction to girls/women (that I kept trying to downplay), and I still cycled through all of those thoughts for a long-ass time before putting off the inevitable conclusion that I was gay. I knew I wasn't asexual though. I just didn't understand why I couldn't feel any of those things toward boys/men, and thought that was just a problem for me to get over and a symptom of something else. You're right, I was trying to find normal ways to justify why I wasn't different from everyone else I knew. Just one more reason I will never understand the blue-haired queers.

And adding to that list, "I'm just really focused on my friends right now. . . . who are all girls."