Targeting / HarassmentThis NEVER happens: "A trans man is trying to get me kicked out of my master’s program because I won’t fuck him"

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[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 44 insightful - 3 fun44 insightful - 2 fun45 insightful - 3 fun -  (13 children)

Excuse me while I take an ice bath; my blood is boiling.

In case anyone thinks women cannot be sexual predators, there ya go. I have seen this type of shit with my own eyes from a non-trans woman or two (think Cluster B); they know exactly how much power they have and who is more likely to be believed, and they milk it and it's scary AF, so I feel for this guy. Holy cow. Hope he manages to get through this intact. Wonder how many other people that person has harassed. Hopefully the grapevine will work this one and put people on alert in a discreet way at the very least. That's super predatory and awful.

And sadly, I am in agreement that he is on the likely losing side of this. But I sure hope not.

[–]TurkishCoffee 33 insightful - 1 fun33 insightful - 0 fun34 insightful - 1 fun -  (8 children)

That's the worst part about this to me. People never believe that even if a group is systematically oppressed, there are gonna be some reaaaaal narcissistic psychopaths that DO exist (i mean really, any slice of the population large enough and that statement will be true, no matter how you do the slicing...other than specifically "not narcissistic assholes" as a slice..). And those people are not above using any and all cards, tricks, and lies to get what they want. Which of course backfires spectacularly on oppressed groups as a whole, but they don't care.

Women, Black people. Gay people. Trans people. Hippies. Witches. Whatever, find enough of them (for any value of "them") and sooner or later you're gonna find a complete whackjob cluster b personality.

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 21 insightful - 1 fun21 insightful - 0 fun22 insightful - 1 fun -  (7 children)

Exactly. Nobody should be drinking any Kool-Aid that suggests a group of people is 100% innocent people only. This is why the "believe all women" delusion gets me jumping out of my chair and waiving alllll kinds of red flags trying to wake people up before they're next. But many of them do not want to wake up. Guess what: It doesn't matter if, statistically, the number of such abusers is small, when it's you who is getting targeted, abused, not believed, and having your life ruined. Once in a while a person like this even drives their victim to end their life. It is not a game or theoretical. These people are real.

[–]haveanicedaytoo💗💜💙 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Don't laugh but the Justin Bieber situation was finally what woke me up to that "believe all women" garbage. I was sitting here reading the accuser's statement, and in my heart I'm feeling like "this sounds totally like shitty fan-fiction" but my head was telling me that I'm a horrible person for not wanting to believe this, and I was accusing myself like "Well, just because you like a few Bieber songs, you are looking for excuses to not believe this woman" but that wasn't even true, the story just looked like absolute shit and pure fiction. I was so relived when Bieber's team finally came out and provided evidence that there was not once chance this could be true, but after that, I had to reckon with myself.

I was so ready to push down all my legit doubts and be like......... shit, I guess she's a woman and I better believe.... And that's not cool. I should know better. It should have never been an internal battle. It should have been "Nope! This story looks like doo-doo. I reserve the right to DOUBT!" from the very beginning. In a way, I'm glad it happened so that I was able to learn from that experience and trust my gut more.

Anyway /coolstorysis.

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 8 insightful - 2 fun8 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Yep. Our guts are our friends. I listen to mine without debate now, even when I'd like to talk myself out of it, because it has never been wrong, but I've also loaded a lot of, shall we say, virus definitions to better detect predators, in the form of studying red flags and actual people exhibiting them. On a related note, I've never been willing to believe that Johnny Depp (about whom I am indifferent) was the main perpetrator vs. Amber Heard. Just reviewing some articles and photos of her—she has the same predatory, smug, satisfied look I have seen countless times with BPD / NPD predators I have personally encountered. Oh, and look:

https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-53393254

We weren't there so we'll never know, but narcissistic abusers very often accuse other people of whatever it is that they have been doing. I think most of us might have noticed that at this point, given the stain inhabiting the WH presently. And they are particularly fond of launching attacks against a person once they have someone new under their control. That might have been Musk in this case.

[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

People also shouldn't think one group is specifically bad either. The whole "white men are the root of all evil" is harmful too.

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Which, curiously, seems to be the reason at least some men want to slide over into non-binary status. I know a couple of these. Gentle, kind, intelligent people, maybe a bit cowardly, and obviously not fooling anyone since they changed nothing about their obviously-male appearance, body language, etc., but they do seem to want to hide in the corner. Given what other people who look like them do and the well-deserved backlash for all of that, it's not surprising. Think of all the young women who want to get out of the many negative experiences of being a woman by being trans instead.

[–][deleted] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Gonna have to disagree with you on the well deserved bit. People shouldnt be judged for others actions. Maybe I'm misreading what you are saying though.

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Given what other people who look like them do and the well-deserved backlash for all of that

I specified the actual perpetrators of uncool stuff, though. Does that help? I agree with you that specificity is important. I drive people nuts IRL with requiring them to account for it.

[–]8bitgay 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Something similar happened to this bi cis guy I know but interestingly the (cis) woman didn't even try to blame him.

In this case I know about, the woman sent unwanted nudes to the guy. When the guy reported it to superiors they somehow blamed it on him and assumed that he had somehow manipulated her into sending the nudes.

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 12 insightful - 2 fun12 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

Effing chilling. To me it's a little more chilling when a woman does it precisely because she is more likely to be believed. I can't stand these people.

EDIT: Just realized you said she didn't even go after him. So the cultural assumption of a woman's innocence was at work there. Even more gross.

I can't say I am the most popular person ever with some of my women friends, because I won't go along with this lie that women don't hurt people. Most of the abusers I have encountered in life have been women.

[–]DimDroog 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

because I won't go along with this lie that women don't hurt people

Naw, women do hurt people too.

It may not be as visible or as widespread, but they do.

[–]lady-wolverine 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

This is peak mean girl behavior with a yaoi-obsessed Ayden twist

[–]haveanicedaytoo💗💜💙 33 insightful - 1 fun33 insightful - 0 fun34 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Hypocrite: Also calling mentally ill people crazy or trying to identify mental illness in someone with no background in the subject is really fucked up.

OP: As a mentally ill person (bipolar 1), I reserve the right to use the term “crazy.” Sue me.

Hypocrite: I have severe depression and anxiety and I think it's wrong to use that word and just holds us back.

OP: wow, so two people from the same community have different opinions on something. So we can either agree to disagree, or you can ignorantly believe that your opinion is always right. I think I can guess which route you’ll go ;)

Hypocrite: It's pretty clear you are off your meds right now so I'll end the conversation here. Good luck with your elaborate lies about aggressive trans men trying to ruin your life.

I hate people who do shit like this. One minute it's "Don't use the word 'crazy' it hurts my fee-fees uwu!" and the next minute it's "you're off your meds."

Do these people really not see how stupid they're being? It's not even about the fact that 'crazy' was offensive. He just wanted to get off on being able to police someone else's words.

[–]BiHorror 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I mean... I could see if someone who actually had the type of mental disorder (which crazy was used to describe) found it offensive. I don't think depression or anxiety are two that were even placed under it.

That being said, I can understand the whole annoyance with the normalization of disability related slurs (I'm mentally disabled), especially when people lose their shit over other types (racism, sexism, LGB, etc) of slurs but are okay with hurling ableist ones. Then again, I'm more of the "ALL slurs are okay or NONE are" type of person.

I do find that bit hypocritical though, considering just as you said, they didn't want OP saying crazy but turned around and said that.

[–]marmorsymphata 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It's really just them tacitly admitting that their social justice rhetoric is just a tool to manipulate and not actually something they believe.

[–]haveanicedaytoo💗💜💙 26 insightful - 2 fun26 insightful - 1 fun27 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

The lesson I'm learning from this is:

1- stay away from crazy

2- very vocally advertise that you are happily partnered/married/asexual/have a contagious STD/otherwise unavailable for dating or hookups

3- report for harassment the moment anyone makes you uncomfortable, especially if it's someone who has this kind of power

4- don't ever be alone in a room with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable (which seems unavoidable in this guy's case, but maybe there was a way, IDK...)

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 16 insightful - 1 fun16 insightful - 0 fun17 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

All great tips. I'll add:

5- Start learning lists of red flags for abusive behavior / Cluster B personality disorders. Some of the signs are not as obvious, they are just little things that give a person a nagging feeling.

6- And on a related note, read The Gift of Fear.

[–]8bitgay 24 insightful - 1 fun24 insightful - 0 fun25 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

OP: wow, so two people from the same community have different opinions on something. So we can either agree to disagree, or you can ignorantly believe that your opinion is always right. I think I can guess which route you’ll go ;)

Reply: It's pretty clear you are off your meds right now so I'll end the conversation here. Good luck with your elaborate lies about aggressive trans men trying to ruin your life.

OP tells in a somewhat harsh, yet not rude way that he disagrees with someone (if anything he even conceded in agreeing to disagree), and this person replies that OP is off his meds. This is such an absurd escalation out of nowhere that I don't even know what to say.

But I wonder how quickly someone would be banned for saying something similar when trans people share their stories in other subs...

Congratulations on your new Reddit account!

I love that Reddit has been around for 10+ years, many subs actually recommend creating new accounts to post personal stories... But somehow people still act like they're Sherlock Holmes for pointing out an account is new lol

[–]haveanicedaytoo💗💜💙 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

OMG haha I cut/pasted the same argument before reading the replies here. That interaction annoyed me so much!

[–]Rosefield 23 insightful - 1 fun23 insightful - 0 fun24 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I fully understand why he got angry BUT Never ever ever ever tell them how you really think. Lie your ass off. "Sorry but I'm asexual" "Sorry I'm in a relationship" etc. I worked in a place where you had to help all sorts of people. Sometimes really crazy people came to you. We even got a briefing on how to behave when someone freaks out. No matter what they say you better stay calm or the situation is going escalate. Of course staying calm and lying doesn't guarantee that you are save from crazy trans rage but there is a higher chance that you get out of the situation without damage.

[–]ChunkeeguyTeam T*RF Fuck Yeah[S] 13 insightful - 13 fun13 insightful - 12 fun14 insightful - 13 fun -  (0 children)

"Sorry, I'm actually a passing transman myself. I don't want to trigger your dysphoria when you find out I don't have a dick."

[–]wafflegaffWoman. SuperBi. 16 insightful - 1 fun16 insightful - 0 fun17 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

This is very much true. I had to do this for months to manage an abusive narcissist I couldn't get away from right away. Lots of showbiz hocus pocus to keep things de-escalated and not give that person a reason to keep targeting me. It was gross and felt icky but for the most part, it worked. They didn't know whether to harass me or wait compliantly for the next nugget of validation.

Narcissists love praise since they aren't good at self-soothing, and mostly don't know what to do if someone they've been targeting praises them. If you try this though, keep it real whenever possible, because they can at least sometimes detect when you aren't being real, and they just get more paranoid and toxic.

Mostly, get the eff away as soon as you can, and be really boring, mild, etc. about how you do it. Do not give them stuff to fight with or sink their teeth into if at all possible. There are some good books about going no contact, for anyone who needs ideas about that. One of them is How to Do No Contact Like a Boss.

[–]julesburm1891 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

“Sorry, I just don’t like you and think you have a rotten personality,” would be my response.

[–]sallytomato 17 insightful - 9 fun17 insightful - 8 fun18 insightful - 9 fun -  (1 child)

The guy being accused should go into that committee meeting and say he is a transwoman or even a transbian, whatever identity he needs to take on to win the Oppression Olympics. That's the only way I see him winning this thing.

[–]Smolders1Cock is god's greatest gift. 18 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 0 fun19 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Blood is fucking boiling.

Fuck it, I'm gonna say it, trans people are the most privileged assholes ever who act like they're actively discriminated against so it can feed into their toxic narrative.

[–]JizeraStraigth ♂ 13 insightful - 2 fun13 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

Additionally in undergrad I was given an award for working on trans-friendly policies in student government, so an accusation such as this is FAR beyond any reasonable person’s understanding of me as an individual.

In the Czech language we the saying that can be translated: Do good to the devil; he will reward you with hell.

[–]writerlylesbian 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

That is an awesome saying. Totally stealing it.

[–]8bitgay 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

And his profile was deleted just a day later. I can imagine 3 possibilities:

  • gay, true story. Deleted his profile because he got harassed.

  • gay, made up a fake story to attack trans people.

  • TRA, made up a fake story to fish attacks on trans people and eventually get the sub banned.

Regardless if it's true or fake, there is clearly a double standard. I wonder if people would be doubting so much if a trans person shared stories of being harassed in LGBT subs. Like I said in another comment, I wonder how quickly someone would get banned in other LGBT subs for telling a trans person they're off their meds in a similar thread.

[–]Criticallacitirc 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

If the story is true, they're going to lose unfortunately.

[–]ChunkeeguyTeam T*RF Fuck Yeah[S] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Sadly I expect so but if he can find a good lawyer he may be able to sue eventually.

[–]a_blue_bird 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

So they're so infantile and cowardly that after having their romantic advances turned down, they run to the closest authority figure and complain anonymously? Our culture is doomed if we keep rewarding this behavior.

[–]PassionateIntensity 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

WOW. This is what happens when Cluster B is a protected class. I don't know what advice I'd give him either other than listen to his lawyer. Character witnesses that he's honest/decent and the transman is insane shouldn't be hard to find.

[–]Gearbeta 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

What this guy should have done is reported the transman before it got to this point when she was sexually harassing him but then say "Yeah had no idea he was trans." But this is infuriating. What a piece of shit the transman is.

[–]notdelusionalbased faggot 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

No surprise. When someone can't even accept their biological reality, it's a big red flag. This is why I do not make friendships with people who practice transgenderism.

[–]SedateApe 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I hear these stories all the time.

Sadly, the only thing I can say is: "Glad I took the early retirement!"

[–][deleted] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Most people carry on their person a perfect mobile video and audio recording device.

Use it. I record every single interaction I have with these poeple ALWAYS WITHOUT FAIL. Do not tell ANYONE you are recording, or have recorded anyone. This is for your knowledge only.

One day. Like this person has discovered. You might well need some evidence.

Record, record, record.