I really don't talk to people nowadays at all. Few years ago when someone messaged me, even the close 2 friends I have, I was always talkative and wanted to talk, I was giving topics and I was the lead in talk. I was very fond on meeting new people when there was a possibility, I was trying to do anything, I was probably jestermaxxing, but I tried and wanted to be good at it. When people wanted something from me, even when I knew I am probably being used, I agreed most of time and helped. When given a possibility to argue about something, that I believe is true, I always stood there just to defend it, I wasn't letting bullshit to go along.

But nowadays? When someone messages me, I usually don't even respond to it - I don't want to talk, neither I find what they talk to me relevant. I also don't have a need to lead the conversations, I sometimes even stop thinking about anything at all, closing myself during it and just responding "yeah, okay, mhm, yeah" till they are gone out of topics (which goes incredibly fast in case of normies, they are so fucking boring, despite living normal life). When people want something from me, I don't even find excuses to NOT help them, I just straight say I don't want to do it. When I hear shit that could be dismissed in seconds, some bullshit claims, thesis, some wrong statements about uni stuff, I don't give a shit to participate. If they are enjoying "their truth" so let be it - I don't care enough about that to bother.

While I am near people, I can no longer stand this loud gibberish. I am just allergic to this nonsense talks overlapping another nonsense talks, I just wear my headphones and put volume to max, so I am unable to hear them. I don't know if I am closing myself from them this way, or with my mind full of thoughts, but I just can't stand it.

I am almost sure, that my mental state is going downhill, not in terms of me living with myself, but others being able to see, that I am no longer in mood to hide anything. All cards are shown - "I am a loser who wants to be left alone and I don't see hope, I don't want to participate." Before, they could say it as well, obviously, but I was trying to make it up with a bit of positivity and acting normal, but this mask is dropping constantly.