from american south, i had been made aware of the existence of gay people somehow, and i knew that it was possible that the person wouldn't know until after puberty had began. so i thought it could happen to me. i thought if i was gay, that i would be rejected by my entire family and subject to social ostracism basically. i didn't even know what sex was at that age, i just knew that everyone seemed to really dislike gay people. i think what got me worried was that i seen everyone else start being attracted toward one another, and i wasnt. i felt like i was missing something. nothing toward boys at all though, except for years later i developed pseudo-bisexual type fantasies of sex with faceless men. but that was really just AGP.

as for the difference between imagining male and female interaction, i would say that the female oriented ones feel more natural, they feel more flexible. seems to be a more intense activity in ways. even though for years at this point it's been less erotic than male oriented. i think maybe what happened was that after using girls as props to enact a roleplay scenario in my imagination for so long, i eventually became conditioned to be aroused by just the roleplay itself. it may be the propensity to be able to be conditioned in that way is a prerequisite for having this happen.

with men it actually took time to get into because i had to become desensitized. at first it was more just the "idea" of it, but eventually this idea become more and more detailed and i got to the point of fully imagining it. it feels more exciting and taboo? it's kind of scary it feels like it could start sustaining itself and taking over.

i have had desires to act on that when i was doing nofap and got super horny a couple days in. but i strongly suspect those would deflate if i was in the presence of an actual person. i don't know maybe if he was clean and did a good performance and got my masochism going.. but i think with a normal looking dude i would probably become too disgusted IRL, plus it feels wrong to do something gay while not even being gay.

lately female involved ones can stir up emotions i've noticed. maybe it's a product of not being so young anymore, but the last time i went in that direction, i was able to shift to thinking about a comparably tame lifestyle situation. like as if i met some girl who took it upon herself to win me over, was kind of bossy and competent, but benevolent and pushy with boundaries. once i got it going, it actually seemed more potent in a way, like it's more realistic than the porn fantasies of years ago.

that experience is what actually inspired me to try and change things actually.. planning to follow that thread to try and shape myself to be more normal. if this ends up being much easier to change than i thought it was... i will feel like such a fool. but at the same time it will be a relief.