Fam, I really need advice on the fIL situation here.EE

submitted by WrongToy from (self.GenderCritical)

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[–]Comatoast 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Just wait it out and be patient. This sounds ultra shitty, but with any luck they won't be around for much longer. It's understandable to be pissed about this. He's making extra money in the mean time, but honestly both of them need to go into assisted living. Neither of you are qualified to care for them at this point. Is there something on their Medicare plans that would cover them?

I hate how we're guilted by society to take care of our elders while everyone is living 20+ years longer and being kept alive by the mercy of medications and their 6+ medical appointments a month. It's too much strain to deal with for adults that are already struggling with their own lives.

[–]WrongToy[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

It does not sound shitty. It's the eventuality for all of us. Both their kids are childless so there's not going to be "someone there to care for us."

Half the time when they call, they are mute about what's going on with them personally, but they want us to check on, bring things to, the other one. They have made it abundantly clear that when one of them goes, the other one will wish and will that they were dead too. That is seriously their plan--there's no plan for them to be separate from each other.

None of them are willing to discuss the obvious option of being placed for some months in the same care facility, where they could share a room, watch each other, and encourage each other in the process of rehabilitation or getting better. They want to do that at home and so far, they are doing it without paying anyone.

I'll last maybe weeks in this situation before boundaries will be put up. SO, if you're not here to further our needs as a team, then really do you want to rent here when they're going to "give" you your 1982 hs room for free? You really want to go down that track for three years, 10 years?

[–]Comatoast 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I give the mom maybe 6 months. Non-hodgkin's lymphoma at stage 4 when you're that old isn't really something to dismiss. It's kind of sweet how they're that dedicated to each other though, I won't lie. Being 100% honest with you, I am an advocate for staying with a spouse unless they've lied, cheated, done something reprehensible that can no longer earn respect, or there's no longer love there. It's not very modern of me, but I feel like when that kind of time and effort has been put into a relationship that the person is special enough to warrant making it work with a compromise. I'm not sure what your personal stance is on that, so things may be entirely different for you.

There's an obligation there for your fiance, and I get it to a degree, but he can't risk fucking up and accidentally dropping her or her having a fall, choking on something, croaking out of the toilet, etc., when she's there with him. The dad can move in with the sister after it happens, you guys should really discuss that with her. Especially since that type of change would strain you guys enough to end things.

[–]WrongToy[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I understand, and to me you've been an extremely important voice in the discussion.

I appreciate everyone's indulgence here, but I just had another screaming fight with SO.

He claims I do this every night. Well I am doing it every night, because since April 21, 2020, he has not had a job. He now feels that he has one with the fmil's "generous" offer of $25/hour for however long it takes. He says it's not going to take 12 hours. It'll take 11. And on top of this will be the things he feels he must do socially and during the day, which is blurring the lines further.

I said, you're not here for 18 hours a day, that will affect our relationship by the first of the year. (Actually, it already is.) It's not the 12, it's more the 18, which you're not being paid for, and which brings down the base rate to $16.50/hour with no real job and no insurance.

I said, we're supposed to be a team here, and you're not acting like it. If you are spending 18 hours there, you might as well be living there. Which is your choice. Look at just what happened today, you had to drive to the city to try to bring the undies and visit him, and apparently he didn't care enough to even put his eldest son on the list. Now our dinner is being cut short because it's 930 to 10 and he needs to take care of their totally optional animal, another hour.

That's your free eight today, right there. No, it doesn't help that you have your mom's card and that you bought your favorite food on it for today. He's like, this is super short-term, but there can't be deadlines. Until when exactly? Until she or DIL doesn't cry or throw a hissy?

The only thing i'm invested in here is him and us. Not their family of origin and specifically and actually not their optional tasks. Your rosebushes are encroaching on the sidewalk, well get your gardener that you already pay to do this. Their dog and their cat? They are optional animals. He does know that professional petsitters will take care of them for $30/day, but so far the ILs are just gifting them with money when they feel like--and even if that becomes more structured, that's still 18 hours out of our relationship.

i'm willing to be the bad guy in the situation, but I'm not willing to be relegated to a secondary component. If he actually wants to volunteer for their cat, their dog, their rosebushes, their friends or other optional tasks, i can't stop him. All those things interfere with the relationship that we're supposed to be cultivating.