Fam, I really need advice on the fIL situation here.EE

submitted by WrongToy from (self.GenderCritical)

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[–]WrongToy[S] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Complicating the issue is that this family is very genderist. The FMIL and DIL have not worked full-time during their marriages. FMIL's job was to take care of FFIL by being the housewife. That too is a role that the DIL is comfortable in.

They expected me to do that too, and I'm not. I'm actually very terrible and have no interest in the routine domestic stuff at all.

[–]Comatoast 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

It's luckily not their business what the dynamic is between you and your fiance regarding.. well, fucking anything, including domestic duties in this instance. You two have had your own system for a while now, and you've got a good, if currently strained relationship. Don't let meddling, ailing inlaws fuck that up for the two of you. When they're dead, you're still going to have each other. This is just another bullshit thing in the meantime that sucks major ass. Where the fuck is this daughter of theirs? If they're all so genderist, then her ass can deal with it and she can move in with them.

Adding to this:

Keep in mind that I'm not trying to be an asshole. You're not a spring chicken. If you try lifting her, fuck.. even if your husband tries lifting her at 56 years old, you could end up screwing up your back or worse. I have a relative that works as a carer for clients in mostly hospice or that need live-in assistance. She's 52, and even though she's fit and HAS the necessary equipment in their homes, she gets injured from time to time and is considering leaving that aspect of the field. Leave these responsibilities for people that have the training.

[–]WrongToy[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

DIL is not a biological daughter. She is his brother's former rehab partner that he met when they were in jail or diversion apparently. This woman has not worked a full-time shift since being with the brother, and is currently estranged from her whole family of origin, and is very invested in being the "housewifey" type. She is 65 but very sensitive about it, but we all know she is only a decade younger than the fmil.

The ils fronted their whole wedding and then their down payment for their house. The brother's previous marriage history was to a woman already pregnant with not his bio. The way ILs dealt with it was to encourage them to give up this child to their personal BFFs so they, the BFFs, could get the white infant that they desired and so they, the ILs, could feel good as "godparent" rather than desire to make the SO's sister by doing that themselves. That's philanthropy to them. Anyway after that BIL cleaned himself up and makes enough bank to support her with whatever her volunteering whims are.

I called fMIL when SO left just to see how she was doing and maybe broach the care home discussion. She has TWO types of cancer apparently, with one being tied to why she's in the hosp now (the pain). But she's so confident that DIL and SO will just go take care of her. I asked her about the didy and she was like, well DIL will take care of it (for free). I can't imagine she'd ask SO (who she said a couple days ago would be paid but he wants nothing to do with that part of it) so I see no reason to really go over there, because she said.

The situation was hopeless, so rather than escalate I just cracked a couple of generic hospital jokes, like how the cable sucks there and so do the TVs and how football is doing. That's my latest diversion tactic, when things get too political or personal, you can just talk sports.

This is really going to be a decision for SO. I will expect the full amount of rent, plus his arrears, to come in whether he chooses to stay there or not. She just told me I am unneeded for her, and therefore he needs to sleep alone in his HS bedroom, with his 37-year-old football trophies, and decide for himself if he would prefer that to an actual relationship and an actual job.