Fam, I really need advice on the fIL situation here.EE

submitted by WrongToy from self.GenderCritical

I've been together with SO since 2012. We have cohabitated at my house (which I own free and clear) since 2015. He lost his job in April 2020 due to covid concerns. In June 2020, he proposed and I accepted. This is actually potentially his first marriage, and my second. We are both 56.

In September, 2020, the fmil was diagnosed with stage 4 non hodgkins lymphoma, double hit. This is her seventh visit to the hospital since. In November 2020, the ffil, whom i will call Old Asshole, had a hemorrhagic stroke.

Fmil, whom I actually dislike less than Old Asshole, was also recommended to go to a rehab because of all these hospitalizations, and she's like "oh no, my FAMBILY will take care of me."

i did this chart, right, based on the research the Fambily told me to do. Having a one-person equivalent at a CNA level bonded and insured costs $36,000. Per month. SO then asked me to tabulate what it would cost for him only to be over there overnight for just her. That is $9,000 per month.

He showed his mother. Of course she went for it. Old Asshole however will for sure be in his face going "We're paying you a whole 9 grand! So that means you can trim our rosebushes, empty our cat box, feed the dog and three hours later take the dog out for a shit, drive us separately to whatever doctors we have to go to because SIL is burned out, and so forth.

Old Asshole and fmil live 1.5 miles away, and where i see fmil's plan is to inveigle us both into "caring" because we (actually he) is going over there for a whole $25/hour (you multiply that out by 12 and 30 and you get $9,000). Before Old Asshole's stroke, he called SO saying "Momma don't want to live no more." Well that is because he refused to clean out the cat box, the cat got pissed, threw cat turds out and started shitting and pissing around the box and ooh, his knees are weak and he doesn't know how to do this because she was the common 'housewife" who took care of their dog and their cat.

She's still in the hospital because of a CAT INFECTION. And he's had to go over to their precious house twice now so their f dog doesn't shit all over the place. Tomorrow he is going up to the city because it's Old Asshole's birthday. These people expect to be visited DAILY and fuck me, the covid precautions just got loosened here to allow just one visitor per day through the system.

SO and my relationship is otherwise generally good but I definitely see barriers here. He is not being paid to take care of their optional animals. He cannot be paid to just "go see dad or mom."

Look fam, for a long time I had problems with the ILs' family system.

In 2013, when I was still going along, they insisted on having their little kissypoo festival at this stupid Chinese restaurant where they knew the lady. I'd just gotten my last promotion and we were planning to go away but their FEEWINGS would get hurt.

That same year, SO and I arranged with my sister to get a free tour of all the monuments in DC with a personal park ranger driving us around. Yeah, my sister was part of Interior, high up, and she arranged all this. We tried to gently text fMIL that my sister was busy and less texts would be advisable. Then we got on the plane. By the time we touched down fMIL was now refusing to go to my sister's house and refusing to take the tour. They came down and picked us up to go to the beach house, and until the sister came out and her friends, every day it was like we'd go out and try to do something and then there'd be a BIG FAMILY DINNER at the last moment.

In 2016, they invited us again and I told Old Asshole to his face beforehand that look, I'm not good with big family things even with my own family. This is a week long vacation and I'm on vacation time so I can't have more than four family dinners with you guys and it's not you. He tried to disinvite me, and SO refused to go, so in the end we both went.

I am rambling a bit, but the patriarch and the matriarch are SUPER INVESTED in having these fambily dinners, these adult birthdays, whatever, and until 2020 i could deal with it but now the requirements have increased.

i've been blunt with SO. Yes the $9,000/month will help and you are earning it every night that you are "sleeping" there. The fmil was like, "Ooh, can you guys move in to the back of my house?" NO. i have my own house. I have this relationship here. We should have moved away last year to take away this option.

She's still in the hospital and still insisting on coming home. Well every time you do chemo you go back there. No one's putting you in a home, but none of us are medical professionals who are all telling her to go to a home, themselves.

It's not SO. it's more his family. I have told SO ok I will deal with the fmil and any incontinence needs she has. Otherwise there's no reason for me to be there since I won't be paid. Those adult birthday parties and things I cut back, years ago.

Do I just drop him now, give back the ring, or is there some hope in this situation?

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[–]arcticbasket 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

First of all, I'm sorry you're experiencing this.

Let's assume this doesn't get better. How much longer do you think they'll live? Are you willing to put up with this for that amount of time? If not, is there anything SO can do to improve the situation?

I can't help but think /r/justnoMIL would be a good place to ask this question. Good luck with this.

[–]WrongToy[S] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Oh I have asked this on that subreddit. Many times. More than a few people have said that I should just dump my fiance over this and get on with my own life free of his family. I'm not quite at that point yet.

Our relationship was pretty OK until he lost his job. It's attractive that at least the fmil understands that we need money and the only way she gets what she wants--coming home--is if he/we get paid to afford to "help out." However, with the latest developments here, I am seriously wondering how dangerous this plan is.

We do not know how to lift a vulnerable person. The house has not been retrofitted in any way beyond a handheld showerhead and a bath railing--there's no lift and no outside railings for example. The one thing I can do that SO won't is clean his mom up if there's an incontinence issue and she can't--assuming of course that she can get situated on a bed or chair or toilet first. Which is in doubt.

The mom is in hospital because she caught something from the cat. During our collective phone call, it was revealed that she would be at home, at earliest, Saturday, so don't worry about it for now.

I'm sorry, what? The cat and the dog need to be out of there today then, and there need to be hazmat-certified individuals to go through the house and deep clean it. Not DIL's personal servants, but certified individuals who'll also deal with the hepa filters. How is the house supposed to be ready?

She is on IV diluadid because the oxys and the roxies she has at home aren't cutting it for the pain. The bossy DIL is like, "it could just be a hairline fracture" as if that's trivial and we, the fambily, will just have to "help more" because the most important thing is fmil's feelings, and her feelings are that she'd rather be sick at home and/or die at home surrounded by fambily.

The survival rate for her form of cancer, advanced as it is, is 67 percent overall provided she can tolerate the chemo. For the jnffil, the stroke social worker said the vast majority are released within three weeks to go home, which I assume means being able to eat and do bathroom things yourself.

So as far as they might live? It might be three months. It might be three years. Or 10.

[–]Irascible-harpy 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Are you set on cohabitating?

The way I see it, you're in a relationship with your partner and your partner only. You have no obligation to a relationship with his family. If you WANTED to spend time with them, that would be one thing. It sounds like he is spending a lot of time dealing with his parents needs. That's fine, so long as the impact on you only comes in the form of him being busier. If your partner can't respect that and expects you to care for his aging parents, he's taking advantage of you. Either he sets boundaries with his family such that they don't negatively impact you, or he's not worth it. If he respects and prioritizes you, he will understand that you are not and should not be beholden to his mother and father.

Key thing? You need boundaries. You need firm boundaries like, yesterday. If she needs help, it sounds like she's got plenty of money to get help. If they can't care for their pets, they shouldn't have pets. If you SO decides he wants to step up and take care of them, that's his business, not yours.

Adding money into this seems like a disaster in the making.

[–]WrongToy[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I largely agree, and I'm trending toward just letting him do what he wants to "help out." I'll go with him for the first couple nights, maybe, to see how it goes but at 8 a.m. I am out of there. No I'm not interested in sticking around and having DIL's home-cooked breakfast and hanging around until lunchtime or later to trim their rosebushes or visit their dog or watch for their packages for free, even though DIL is set and is doing that for free. It's all work to me. If SO wants to go back and be bossed around by the DIL on a volunteer basis.

We see, in our neighborhood, so many cases of emotionally stunted men who moved in with, or never left, their mother's house. Many of these men are our age. If he prefers to be one of them, there's nothing I can do about it, but if he wants to retain keys to the house he'll have to pay the rent to do that. Love does not conquer all, sweetie.

So the newest, and the summary, of today is that fmil is calling him, mentioning that now there's a problem with the knee that renders her nonambulatory, but the main reason is that he's supposed to see ffil (it's his BIRTHDAY after all) and bring more underwear because he is soiling them, allegedly because the stroke place has him on a puree diet. Has anyone ever vomited stomach contents before? It looks like puree and that is not the reason he is incontinent. His stroke is.

I'm just going to wait a month or two for people to come to the same conclusions. They are both currently incontinent at times. Neither of them can walk with any reliability. They sure as hell can't drive. If hero DIL wants to do it for free, that's her issue. If SO invests an extra 8 in volunteering, it is on him.

SO kinda gets it, he wants to snuggle with me at night, he wants to hang around and decompress. The truth is that at minimum, he will have to cough up the rent to stay here, all of it, and not just the discounted rate that's he's further opted in by discounting it another $75. If that money is not forthcoming, then we go back to a dating relationship where he calls me before, knocks for me to let him in, and gets them to pay for all the stuff he has here, or he stores it at their place.

[–]Comatoast 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (10 children)

Just wait it out and be patient. This sounds ultra shitty, but with any luck they won't be around for much longer. It's understandable to be pissed about this. He's making extra money in the mean time, but honestly both of them need to go into assisted living. Neither of you are qualified to care for them at this point. Is there something on their Medicare plans that would cover them?

I hate how we're guilted by society to take care of our elders while everyone is living 20+ years longer and being kept alive by the mercy of medications and their 6+ medical appointments a month. It's too much strain to deal with for adults that are already struggling with their own lives.

[–]WrongToy[S] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Complicating the issue is that this family is very genderist. The FMIL and DIL have not worked full-time during their marriages. FMIL's job was to take care of FFIL by being the housewife. That too is a role that the DIL is comfortable in.

They expected me to do that too, and I'm not. I'm actually very terrible and have no interest in the routine domestic stuff at all.

[–]Comatoast 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

It's luckily not their business what the dynamic is between you and your fiance regarding.. well, fucking anything, including domestic duties in this instance. You two have had your own system for a while now, and you've got a good, if currently strained relationship. Don't let meddling, ailing inlaws fuck that up for the two of you. When they're dead, you're still going to have each other. This is just another bullshit thing in the meantime that sucks major ass. Where the fuck is this daughter of theirs? If they're all so genderist, then her ass can deal with it and she can move in with them.

Adding to this:

Keep in mind that I'm not trying to be an asshole. You're not a spring chicken. If you try lifting her, fuck.. even if your husband tries lifting her at 56 years old, you could end up screwing up your back or worse. I have a relative that works as a carer for clients in mostly hospice or that need live-in assistance. She's 52, and even though she's fit and HAS the necessary equipment in their homes, she gets injured from time to time and is considering leaving that aspect of the field. Leave these responsibilities for people that have the training.

[–]WrongToy[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

DIL is not a biological daughter. She is his brother's former rehab partner that he met when they were in jail or diversion apparently. This woman has not worked a full-time shift since being with the brother, and is currently estranged from her whole family of origin, and is very invested in being the "housewifey" type. She is 65 but very sensitive about it, but we all know she is only a decade younger than the fmil.

The ils fronted their whole wedding and then their down payment for their house. The brother's previous marriage history was to a woman already pregnant with not his bio. The way ILs dealt with it was to encourage them to give up this child to their personal BFFs so they, the BFFs, could get the white infant that they desired and so they, the ILs, could feel good as "godparent" rather than desire to make the SO's sister by doing that themselves. That's philanthropy to them. Anyway after that BIL cleaned himself up and makes enough bank to support her with whatever her volunteering whims are.

I called fMIL when SO left just to see how she was doing and maybe broach the care home discussion. She has TWO types of cancer apparently, with one being tied to why she's in the hosp now (the pain). But she's so confident that DIL and SO will just go take care of her. I asked her about the didy and she was like, well DIL will take care of it (for free). I can't imagine she'd ask SO (who she said a couple days ago would be paid but he wants nothing to do with that part of it) so I see no reason to really go over there, because she said.

The situation was hopeless, so rather than escalate I just cracked a couple of generic hospital jokes, like how the cable sucks there and so do the TVs and how football is doing. That's my latest diversion tactic, when things get too political or personal, you can just talk sports.

This is really going to be a decision for SO. I will expect the full amount of rent, plus his arrears, to come in whether he chooses to stay there or not. She just told me I am unneeded for her, and therefore he needs to sleep alone in his HS bedroom, with his 37-year-old football trophies, and decide for himself if he would prefer that to an actual relationship and an actual job.

[–]WrongToy[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

It does not sound shitty. It's the eventuality for all of us. Both their kids are childless so there's not going to be "someone there to care for us."

Half the time when they call, they are mute about what's going on with them personally, but they want us to check on, bring things to, the other one. They have made it abundantly clear that when one of them goes, the other one will wish and will that they were dead too. That is seriously their plan--there's no plan for them to be separate from each other.

None of them are willing to discuss the obvious option of being placed for some months in the same care facility, where they could share a room, watch each other, and encourage each other in the process of rehabilitation or getting better. They want to do that at home and so far, they are doing it without paying anyone.

I'll last maybe weeks in this situation before boundaries will be put up. SO, if you're not here to further our needs as a team, then really do you want to rent here when they're going to "give" you your 1982 hs room for free? You really want to go down that track for three years, 10 years?

[–]Comatoast 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

I give the mom maybe 6 months. Non-hodgkin's lymphoma at stage 4 when you're that old isn't really something to dismiss. It's kind of sweet how they're that dedicated to each other though, I won't lie. Being 100% honest with you, I am an advocate for staying with a spouse unless they've lied, cheated, done something reprehensible that can no longer earn respect, or there's no longer love there. It's not very modern of me, but I feel like when that kind of time and effort has been put into a relationship that the person is special enough to warrant making it work with a compromise. I'm not sure what your personal stance is on that, so things may be entirely different for you.

There's an obligation there for your fiance, and I get it to a degree, but he can't risk fucking up and accidentally dropping her or her having a fall, choking on something, croaking out of the toilet, etc., when she's there with him. The dad can move in with the sister after it happens, you guys should really discuss that with her. Especially since that type of change would strain you guys enough to end things.

[–]WrongToy[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I understand, and to me you've been an extremely important voice in the discussion.

I appreciate everyone's indulgence here, but I just had another screaming fight with SO.

He claims I do this every night. Well I am doing it every night, because since April 21, 2020, he has not had a job. He now feels that he has one with the fmil's "generous" offer of $25/hour for however long it takes. He says it's not going to take 12 hours. It'll take 11. And on top of this will be the things he feels he must do socially and during the day, which is blurring the lines further.

I said, you're not here for 18 hours a day, that will affect our relationship by the first of the year. (Actually, it already is.) It's not the 12, it's more the 18, which you're not being paid for, and which brings down the base rate to $16.50/hour with no real job and no insurance.

I said, we're supposed to be a team here, and you're not acting like it. If you are spending 18 hours there, you might as well be living there. Which is your choice. Look at just what happened today, you had to drive to the city to try to bring the undies and visit him, and apparently he didn't care enough to even put his eldest son on the list. Now our dinner is being cut short because it's 930 to 10 and he needs to take care of their totally optional animal, another hour.

That's your free eight today, right there. No, it doesn't help that you have your mom's card and that you bought your favorite food on it for today. He's like, this is super short-term, but there can't be deadlines. Until when exactly? Until she or DIL doesn't cry or throw a hissy?

The only thing i'm invested in here is him and us. Not their family of origin and specifically and actually not their optional tasks. Your rosebushes are encroaching on the sidewalk, well get your gardener that you already pay to do this. Their dog and their cat? They are optional animals. He does know that professional petsitters will take care of them for $30/day, but so far the ILs are just gifting them with money when they feel like--and even if that becomes more structured, that's still 18 hours out of our relationship.

i'm willing to be the bad guy in the situation, but I'm not willing to be relegated to a secondary component. If he actually wants to volunteer for their cat, their dog, their rosebushes, their friends or other optional tasks, i can't stop him. All those things interfere with the relationship that we're supposed to be cultivating.

[–]WrongToy[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

It is sweet that they want to be together! But they want to do it at home together. SO and his brother talked privately without his wife around, and they agreed that this situation could not go on for more than a month and/or until the ffil returns from the stroke place. If they want that at that time, they'll need professional assistance.

As an aside, i was asked to look up some prices for a comparative chart. The low end was SO working for $25/hour for 12-hour overnight shift--which works out to 9,000/month. The so and his mom talked between themselves, and she's committed to paying him for every hour he spends on them and not just that. afaik, the brother's wife is volunteering, so what they'd pay him would be it.

The high-end? Twenty-four hours of bonded CNA presence through an agency retaining them as an employee (thus avoiding client risk of them being hurt on the property) is over 36,000/month where I live. Going through care.com for an indie, about $29,000 per month.

And that's for one person. For two?

They are 1 percenters who like clipping coupons and talking about what insurance isn't paying for. But truth is, the option isn't for the family to be involved with this for long, not with two invalids needing 24 hour care. They need a skilled nursing facility in which they can both reside in the same room and comfort each other. They need med techs coming by to check their blood levels and vitals. The kids have successfully gotten the cat and the dog temporarily relocated and neither can return until the mom's chemo is done. The cost to stay home is absolutely insane if you're getting help for even one person on a 24 hour basis who at least is bonded and backgrounded. Let alone two.

[–]Comatoast 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

It's good that your fiance and his brother talked about everything and that they ended up coming to that conclusion. Home health is expensive as hell (which is hilarious considering the piddly ass pay that the CNAs actually see out of it). Yeah, I mean assisted living areas are pretty expensive, but they can be extremely homey and nice. It also gives them plenty of opportunities to be a part of the community there and keep their brains active. It's likely that if they're moved over there that assets will start drying up, so they'll need to make proper plans on taking care of finances for anything they want anyone else to have in a will ahead of time to keep the facility from potentially draining them. Being 1 percenters, that's likely not an issue for them but I'm just putting it out there.

[–]WrongToy[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

They have $3M in cash from the ffil's mom, who passed away at 103, to say nothing of the half of the house plus assets they received from her parents when they died prior. They just insist that they wanna be at home, by far their most expensive option, if they did it right.

SO tried spending the nights at his mom, with his brother's wife coming over during the day. Within 48 hours, there were heated calls with f-bombs flying between the two of them because she demanded of him a "day off" but did not wish to reciprocate by sending the brother, her husband, over there to spend the night.

Anyway that night was the first, and probably the only, night I spent at ILs, because 1) they'd removed the cat that i'm deathly allergic to (seriously, it's a 4 to 8 benadryl night after their holidays) and 2) crucially, there was supposed to be a Big Fambily Meeting including the fmil about maybe introducing a respite person.

I show up, and DIL is just like, "His mom has had a long day. This isn't a good time to talk."

Within a couple hours, I'm observing that she's up, eating, awake and alert, and talking to Daddy about their affluent town gossip and Mrs. So and So. Within a couple hours, I'd determined that this would be my last night there ever, or at least for a long while.

So when we had a moment alone, I pulled up my chair, and I'm like, "she's putting in 70 hours a week and he's hit maybe 102. They CAN'T relieve each other. What if either of them gets "flu symptoms"? It could be covid."

OMG, the just no part of her came out in force. Her first reaction was to say what she's paid for him, over the years, look I'll show you my checkbook. I'm like, it's not about that. The second reaction was her breaking into tears (she often does) and the third reaction was to banish me from the whole floor.

The next day, I wasn't there, but the DIL and her husband (his brother) were. The brother was tasked with conveying the DIL's severe displeasure by saying that I shouldn't have done that over her explicit instruction. His reply: "If she didn't do that, then Mom would be making YOU the fall guy. She's only going for having the hired help you've been looking into because SHE got mom to start thinking about it."

There was more conversation, which ended, reportedly, in the SO telling his brother to, quote, "fuck off."

Omg. The hired help the brother found was this lady who sort of knew some neighbors of hers, but she is very much into her Affluent Little Town. This lady is now tasked with working a straight 48 hour shift (to relieve DIL, whom I'll call Baby Jane) and then come in at night to "just sleep there" as the dad will be returning from stroke rehab with a withered right arm and hand at best. They fired SO from all the shifts they'd scheduled him for, because they found a rando off the street to work for $5 less, and less than $5 over legal minimum wage.

Thankfully I wasn't part of the discussion.

[–]WrongToy[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Frankly, I see them, or at least one of them, lingering for quite a while. They may piss and moan about how they'll just die without the other one because of emotional pain, but let's face facts, that alone doesn't kill most people.

Their whole goal is to be in their own house tended to by their fambily, of which they're even talking about paying only one. For them, there's no disadvantage in blowing up our relationship; it's not like they especially like me anyway, and the breakup would force SO into living with them, which is what I sense they want. Then they can pay him or not because hell it's a better part of a more expensive region anyway.

SO is saying that's not what he wants, that what he wants is to get a full time job when the "crisis" is over. The crisis is not going to be over just like Covid-19 was not going to be over in February. The choice for me is that if he pays up he gets the keys and he gets to keep his stuff here, but like if you're engaged there's supposed to be more than that. I'll start detaching if there's no time to the relationship.

[–]Marigold-plate 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

My 2cents: if your SO isn’t standing up for you, then maybe the relationship isn’t worth it. The SO should act as a buffer between you and his family. If you’re not okay with the way they’re treating you or one of their demands, SO should put his foot down with that person. It’s fine if SO wants to carry on a relationship with his family, but it’s not fine if in-law is directing something at you and SO stays silent or ignores it because it’s easier.

[–]WrongToy[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I waited until SO was gone and then I called fmil for a supportive chat.

Really, it was supportive. I told her that we'd bought this flannel snap front housecoat because I heard she was cold. I breached, very cautiously, the issue of how if SO dropped her (or him) it would kill SO and she's like, "Oh that would never happen." She thinks that she can take care of the diaper by herself and if she can't, then DIL will be along.

She divulged that the pain in her back is probably caused by one of the two forms of cancer that she has. I was only aware of one, but whatever.

Then she pipes up with "well the doctors say I can go home." Oh rly. What can I say, I suggested that if it's possible to give us 12, 24 hours. She's also divulged that the doctors also told her she'd be in the hospital for a few more times.

She insists on this, because a hospital is not the dreaded nursing home, and she will be discharged soon enough eventually to the arms of her loving DIL who never has had employment and whose whole existence is being Martha Stewart for her DH and now them, and her unemployed son (which they're supposed to be paying to be there, $25/hr x 12 x 30, that's $9,000 month. Which, frankly, I will expect $2,500 of, because that's about what's come out of my bank account while sponsoring these pandemic delays. Assuming that first month will come at all.

Let me say also that when he was getting the sweet pandemic benefits, the trump eo benefits, all those monies rapidly disappeared because he was paying the harbormaster for his boat. And making sure he paid his storage. He wants to have that shit, that's totally independent and I got stiffed over it.

A month of him sleeping by himself in an attic bedroom last occupied by him in HS 37 years ago might wake him up. Or not. I don't do the housewife thing at all. I'm extremely bad at the domestic arts and not interested in them at all.

I don't feel the need to go sleep with him at that place beyond extremely occasionally, because she's told me herself that she can do her didy and if that's an issue then the hero DIL will do it. Fine then he can deal with his mom's wet diaper at 2 in the morning after assisting her and hoping he doesn't break her or calling 911. Or the ffil at that point.

She's made it clear I don't have a role here beyond the emotional support of SO, whom they would gladly welcome into the fold as a 18, a 24 hour dogsbody because they can offer him the room he lived in "rent free." And frankly, that's because unlike DIL I am not willing to volunteer for free, nor am I'm not interested in being a storage unit. If he's not going to be here ever then he can get his shit out and over to their house and she will cry about how unsightly it is and how it takes up backyard space. I really do not give a shit right now.

I'm not the one who needs their housing or their food. If he's invested in living there over having a relationship, better to know now than later, I guess.

[–]WrongToy[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I briefed SO on what his mother said to me, specifically that she believes she will be released as early as tomorrow, that said doctors themselves have opined she will probably be back in the hospital quite a few times. That she believes that he and DIL will collectively care for her needs, that while I appreciate I'm welcome, I don't really have a role so I expect my presence to be minimal.

He's like, we have to take it one step at a time. I'm like, you mean like Covid in February. He could blow up that plan of hers right now by calling her and saying he's out, but he's not going to have an excuse unless it's full time employment, which he is not making a priority. And he doesn't want to make her cry.

This woman grew up totally white privilege, was conventionally attractive in her younger days, and that's what she does, and that's what she expects. No one can say anything against her "emergencies" whether they genuinely are, or whether they are about the cat box having turds out of it that she needs so to clean up so she can resume "wanting to live." She'll just start bawling or screaming and they'll give her what she wants. The DIL is the same way.

SO is pissed, he thinks she is selfish, but how selfish she is is going to be something that he's going to have to figure out by himself. With him over there working for the equivalent of $16.50 per hour (assuming the 8 hour volunteering on top of the paid 12), I'd assume he wants to be better than that for our relationship. She is not going to be better fast for sure and i'm not going to opine that I want her to decline rapidly (although that is surely coming). She might "give" him money for a nice Valentine's Day dinner and if all this malarkey is still going on then, I'll give his ring back. Then or before then.