[Vent] Vent about myself

submitted by iloveyou from self.GenderCritical

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[–]iloveyou[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

That sounds rad. I feel that I couldn't do stuff like that. Quite honestly I find armpit hair kinda ugly. Maybe even more for men because theirs grows bigger? Once I saw a girl who had obvious armpit hair, too. She was dancing and put her arms up. On the first second I judged, but then I didn't. I guess there is where I felt I belonged more. People were more playful with the way they dressed and stuff.

Your last sentence is beautiful. But what power do I have to make the world fit me? Doesn't that have consequences? In the job market for instance? Sometimes I feel so different - in all sorts of things, really - doesn't mean it's just gender-related. I always tried to refuse to fit. But the older I get, the weirder that feels. Because 'adults'. Because people always judge. They comment on your short hair. On you having to please your imaginary future husband. On extremisms - where I feel like I fit a bit in a group but don't identify with all that they preach. I can't make them fit to me. Especially if I'm not certain that I own the truth - I'm only more certain that I have questions for many of the truths people advertise. Or there's expectations of how to dress for a wedding or for a meeting or job interview or work day. I've always cared so much and wanted to please others - while at the same time being very aware and critical, if not out loud, in my head. I don't know how to unlearn it - or if I should cause swirls. The world doesn't care what I am. But I do.

How do I make the world fit me when every girl and boy goes swim and I can't because I'm on my period?

How do I make the world fit me when my friends are free to go to a music festival and I opt not to because I'm on my period and I'm not sure I will be able to handle it for hygienic reasons and all the worry in my head?

This is very personal and specific I know. I'm sorry. I'm not criticizing, just airing my thoughts. Thank you for your words.

[–]jelliknight 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

I do shave off my body hair. I also have an undercut. When my leg hair is long i find it rubs uncomfortably on the cuffs of my boots and pants, and underarm hair can pull too sometimes if it's long enough. I feel more physically comfortable (not like I'm fitting in) when it's short, just like my head hair. I don't worry about hiding it, I shave less than once a week, but I do shave it if it gets long and irritates me. I tried using clippers but that was way more uncomfortable.

But what power do I have to make the world fit me?

You'd be surprised. There's a quote from Terry Pratchett (which you should definitely read) "if you ignore the rules people will, half the time, quietly rewrite them so that they don't apply to you." If you just be relentlessly who you are, the world will have to reorganize itself to fit around you.

Doesn't that have consequences? In the job market for instance?

I find it works in my favor. I went into male dominated STEM field and 'not being girly' and being willing to say "no" and "that's not right" helped me fit in and get respect right away. A lot of things you do will be a negotiation between what other people expect and what you want. Something that worked well for me is wearing 'natural' make up to a job interview and then gradually reducing it over the first week or two to nothing. It never gets brought up because that's how they're used to seeing me. Sometime you do have to play the system a little. For weddings, there is an expectation but there are also work arounds. If you really object to wearing a dress, pants and a nice shirt are also acceptable. But if you don't really mind, then there's no harm complying for one day. A wedding was the last time I wore a dress.

They comment on your short hair. On you having to please your imaginary future husband.

You need some sassy older women around you. I have an undercut and no one ever comments on it, but that might be because I kind of have an overall vibe of Woman Doing Exactly What She Wants. You're not wrong, they are. Get sassy about it. "It is short, and later it will grow, and then later I'll cut it again. It's hair, that's how it works." "Mmm, I don't think I'd marry a man who's that shallow." "I'm probably not getting married, my current plan is to be a lonely sea captain."

I've always cared so much and wanted to please others

It sounds like you've been raised with the standard female socialization. Your needs and opinions don't matter, put everyone else first, comply at all costs. Just know that those aren't actual rules. There is no punishment for not obeying and no reason to obey. You do more for the world by being completely yourself. You were born with a unique set of traits and now have a unique set of experienced and perspectives. We need you, we don't need a fake version of what someone else thinks you should be. Speak out loud, we want to hear what you think. As for causing swirls, another Terry Pratchett quote: "If you ain't making waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!" I'm not saying you have to rebel against your family completely as a teen but yes you should absolutely be willing to make waves. That's what they call it when you're having an effect on the world. Do it all the time!

How do I make the world fit me when every girl and boy goes swim and I can't because I'm on my period?

Who the hell told you you can't swim on your period? That's some nonsense right there. First, tampon and cups work great even in the water. Second, if you have a light flow you don't even need to use those. Swim away! I love festival too, and you should definitely go to them. You will manage the hygiene. Our genitals are not a bomb waiting to detonate, they don't need as much maintenance as you'd been told. Pads and a daily wet wipe (full body) will be plenty.

I feel like you've been raised in a very strict christian household? Go to festivals, find older, rad women, and ask them for advice or mentoring straight up. We all remember being young and trying to find our feet, we'll help you. I'd be flattered as all heck if a young woman came up to me and said they wanted to learn how to be more like me.

[–]iloveyou[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Thank you for that response and I'm sorry I took so long to reply. I needed to let it sink down and process it. These issues with me, I might feel unsettled and need to think and talk about it, but then it becomes overwhelming and I need to tide down. I'm replying now.

First of all, I think that quote from Terry Pratchett is very true - if you ignore the rules people will quietly rewrite them so they don't apply to you. I can picture all the entitled rich and powerful people with all their lawyers. They don't need to follow the rules, they just need to have power. People in the parliament are all the time rewriting law just so they can have it apply to their illegal doings. Sometimes it's also true of less important things, though. But sometimes parents don't accept their children's differences. They keep bugging them. Keep pushing. I don't know. But other people who aren't so close, I guess. It's obvious that if someone comes to work and is rude to everyone, no one will attempt to ask him to organize the friday lunch. They will ask the people who abide by the rules, even if that people asks pretty please to not be themselves doing it.

Have I told you that I have a friend who works at a place who makes her wear a dress? What could I do if I were there? I would want to fight, but I wouldn't know where to start, specially if I had just joined it. What would you do? Where would one start? Before I even know my colleagues? It makes me think of Magdalen Bern's video about that youtuber (non-binary girl? transman? I'm not entirely sure) who made a video about how they made her wear a dress and she wore it for years until one day she wrote to HR to come out... and the rules were 'rewritten' to not apply to her, so all the women had to keep wearing a dress in the dresscode, except her. Magdalen was angry because she wanted her to fight for women's rights of wearing what they wanted and not have that absurd dress code. But what would one do? Someone like me? Do you have got advice?

I do shave off my body hair. I also have an undercut. When my leg hair is long i find it rubs uncomfortably on the cuffs of my boots and pants, and underarm hair can pull too sometimes if it's long enough. I feel more physically comfortable (not like I'm fitting in) when it's short, just like my head hair. I don't worry about hiding it, I shave less than once a week, but I do shave it if it gets long and irritates me. I tried using clippers but that was way more uncomfortable.

I don't like shaving my body hair. When I do it to my armpits and it is growing out it itches. I assume the same would happen to my legs. My skin isn't great either so there's that too. One time I felt like shaving to fit in - in a circumstance at work, a summer camp, I wanted to go in shorts like everyone else. I dreaded doing it though, I dreaded both shaving because my parents could see and comment, and I dreaded not shaving because I might have been seen totally different. I think that people will think things like:

  • So brave

  • So childish

  • Such a weird person

  • She has no idea what the world is

Or

  • She's making a statement, what a freak

  • She's not a real woman

And not thinking of me like peers. "Shaving" is the lack of statement; not shaving is the statement, the different thing, the thing that stands out.

Do you ever think any of these things about someone else? Do you see other women who like you don't shave? I never get my armpit hair like people in the ads and pictures, it always keeps a stubble, I don't know why. Has anyone ever noticed and commented on yours? Do you just not care? (if yours is short I mean)

Also, my hair also makes me uncomfortable. I used to cut it short but now just having a bun is good enough for me, it keeps it out of my neck. It'll just be hard when winter comes and can't wear beanies... more power to you with the undercut. I know a woman with a undercut - and I know people find it odd and even laugh and joke about it on her back - they accept that she doesn't abide by the rules, but they still can't help but judge and comment. This is what I'm afraid of, as well. I don't find her particularly flattering, but I know women who I do find flattering with short hair.

You need some sassy older women around you. I have an undercut and no one ever comments on it, but that might be because I kind of have an overall vibe of Woman Doing Exactly What She Wants. You're not wrong, they are. Get sassy about it. "It is short, and later it will grow, and then later I'll cut it again. It's hair, that's how it works." "Mmm, I don't think I'd marry a man who's that shallow." "I'm probably not getting married, my current plan is to be a lonely sea captain."

Oh, totally. Someone who wants you to please your imaginary husband has no reason at all. I tend to not answer anymore but sometimes I do.

I also don't know if I'm just imagining things though. How my grandma would always ask me to help cooking, clean, that sort of stuff, never my brother, or much less my father. My brother would always be eager to please and I would be eager to displease from an early age - I'd be eager to please in things my dad did, not things I perceived as being targeted to me for a sexist reason. And I do say that about hair - but I don't change minds with it. And that sucks.

I feel like you've been raised in a very strict christian household? Go to festivals, find older, rad women, and ask them for advice or mentoring straight up. We all remember being young and trying to find our feet, we'll help you. I'd be flattered as all heck if a young woman came up to me and said they wanted to learn how to be more like me.

I jumped to this part because I feel I have to address it first. Simply put, yes, christian household. But I wouldn't say strict. In fact, I feel like I've been raised in a very strict way. For example my brother played with barbies more than I did. I got the barbies from other people because my parents knew I didn't like them. But we were never judged from it. In fact the only times I played with barbies was when my brother played with me. I also have never felt like I was forbidden from going out, for example. I just never did. I wasn't forbidden from hanging out with my friends - but I always wanted to ask for advice and permission, because of my fear and shyness and insecurity. I was coddled a bit, and took the opportunity to go to school in a car instead of walking. I won't be forbidden from driving somewhere to be with friends. Although I have had my mom express concern and be like 'can't you drive her' (to my dad) or something. So that builds up insecurity - like the world is scary and I'm not capable - in just a subtle way. Does this make sense? And as a younger sibling, I also had that worry coming coming from my big brother, which adds up. Does that make sense?

Now, I never was asked by my mom to wear makeup or to shave my legs. She did ask me several times to shave my armpits though. But I appreciate that she didn't do it with the rest. And she gets sad when I cut my hair. I think she might think I do it partly to go against her, which isn't entirely untrue, either - I also partly do it from being fed up with expectations. There's no way I don't get a bit of a feeling of freedom and 'eff the patriarchy' (lol) when you cut you hair, at least if you have people in your life, or your hairdresser, pushing you back against doing it.

And I am iffy about sexuality issues and words. And periods and stuff. It's a lot taboo for me. I got to admit that. It's scary for me. But I don't think it's really my parent's fault or that they were strict. I really don't feel they were.

Who the hell told you you can't swim on your period? That's some nonsense right there. First, tampon and cups work great even in the water. Second, if you have a light flow you don't even need to use those. Swim away! I love festival too, and you should definitely go to them. You will manage the hygiene. Our genitals are not a bomb waiting to detonate, they don't need as much maintenance as you'd been told. Pads and a daily wet wipe (full body) will be plenty.

Lastly I want to reply to this... And I hear you, I really do. And I didn't unpack it, because I always need to hear this reaction to know if it's normal. I can't wear tampons. I just physically can't. I don't know the reason. And to be honest I'm really scared to go find out. I'm afraid of both the doctors, and of the appointment, and of the possible treatments. I've been in one of those specialists for a different reason.

And I kind of feel like my genitals are a bomb waiting to detonate, at times. I can't go a cycle without staining any and all pairs of underwear I use during it, I can't go two cycles (or one, even) without staining my sheets, or a pair of PJ pants. Even if I'm really careful and wake up during the night to change. This is what I mean about the festivals. If I'm going there to listen to music but ever 2 hours I need to go to the bathroom to change, losing 30 minutes in the queue and losing my place in the mob, separating all the time from my friends who are watching the concert - you know what I mean? Is that what I'm paying for - to be worried, and to miss half of the shows?

Sorry if this was TMI - this really wears me down but I'm always open to get some feedback.

I hope I made some sense and I wasn't annoying and again I'm sorry for taking so long to reply. As I said it was a bit tough and I had to think for a while and wind down before doing it.

[–]jelliknight 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Continued:

Yes, that absolutely makes sense. Adults can unknowingly project their own insecurities onto their kids. It sounds like you have really good parents who are trying, but they are also in a culture which expects certain things of them. Your mum asking you to shave your armpits is not because SHE wants you to be hairless but because she's in her own compromise between wanting to let you express yourself and wanting to meet other peoples expectations of a Good Mother who raised Good Kids. And even though your parents are pretty open about what's "for girls" and "for boys" am I right in thinking that their social group and community (especially church) is a bit more strict? That's going to trickle through no matter how much you and they try to stop it. As I got older I've learned that my parents dealt with a whole lot of crap, and passed maybe 1% of it on to me. My mother was raised in a christian household with pretty firm ideas about what it means to be a Good Woman, but she didn't put those expectations on me, though i did embarrass her with my 'tomboy' ways sometimes and that made me feel self conscious. She did the best she could with what she was given, and I'll do the same when i have kids. It sounds weird but there's a philosophy about intergenerational trauma and intergenerational healing. Our parents often pass their own traumas or problems on to us, and we pass it on to our kids too. It goes on until it gets to someone strong enough to stop the cycle. But it works backwards as well, when you heal yourself from your mother/grandmother/greatgrandmother's pain, it forgives and frees them. You don't see it yet but when you're a rad independent woman, living life how you want regardless of other people's expectations your mother is going to be so happy that you're free that it will free her too.

Period stuff is SO important! it's normal to be uncomfortable about it, it's Taboo even in the most mainstream progressive parts of society. But it's a part of you, an important part, that you're going to be dealing with for a long time so it's really important to get in tune with it. I hear good things about Our Bodies, Ourselves, and i also think you should look into fertility awareness, just because i think every young woman should learn about her own body.

It's totally normal to not be able to or comfortable using tampons, for a bunch of different reasons. I had problems with this when i was young because I had what's called a Septate Hymen which is where there's a band of tissue that bridges across the vagina and makes two smaller openings. The band itself has no sensation, but if it pulls it hurts. So removing tampons was really tricky and painful. I spent a lot of my teen years just feeling like a weirdo, and eventually learned what it was, and then got it removed a few years ago (painless, didn't even need a local anesthetic). It's just a thing that happens sometimes. There are lots of variations of this, including microperforate hymens where the hole is so small that period can get out but nothing can get in. Get a mirror and open up google, and you will be able to figure out for yourself if it's something like that. There's also a condition called vaginismus which is where your body reacts to the sensation by tensing and clamping down so its hard to insert anything. But tampons are also kind of tricky in general because they absorb your natural lubrication as you try to insert them and they always sort of turn off target for me, if you want to try using them start with ones with applicator tubes and a slim fit. See, this is why we've got to talk about this stuff! Most things have a very simple solution and literally half the population has already been through the struggles of tampons. BTW, i don't use them at all any more. I use cups and pads. I only ever used them if i was swimming or something on a heavy day. You can PM me if you want to talk more specifics about this in private.

I can't go a cycle without staining any and all pairs of underwear I use during it, I can't go two cycles (or one, even) without staining my sheets, or a pair of PJ pants.

Feel this. So hard. I call it 'making japanese flags' and it still happens to me. Usually your period will settle down a bit as you get older and providing you stay away from hormonal contraceptives (in my experience they make flow heavier) but it's also perfectly normal and healthy to have a heavy flow. Long term i think you'll want to figure out how to use cups as you get a longer time of use out of them and they leak less than any other method. They're tricky though, so you want to be on good terms with your vagina first. Hot tip - you don't need a bathroom to change a pad, your tent will do. You can even do it without taking your pants down in any private corner providing you're not wearing like skinny jeans or something. As for stain, cold water and Sard Wonder Soap. I don't know if it's sold where you are but it's bar soap for cleaning and it's miraculous. Rub it on, rub the cloth against itself, rinse, and you'll get rid of the stain. This is also handy if you ever commit a murder and need to get rid of the evidence. Happy to keep chatting, no time pressure xx

[–]iloveyou[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Yes, that absolutely makes sense. Adults can unknowingly project their own insecurities onto their kids. It sounds like you have really good parents who are trying, but they are also in a culture which expects certain things of them. Your mum asking you to shave your armpits is not because SHE wants you to be hairless but because she's in her own compromise between wanting to let you express yourself and wanting to meet other peoples expectations of a Good Mother who raised Good Kids. (...)

Thank you so much for understanding and giving that insight. It matters a lot to me to have someone recognize that parents can fail but it doesn't mean they are supposed to be ignored to the rest of our lives because they are bad parents tm, as much as I would understand the protective stance of those who advocate for distance and appreciate it.

And even though your parents are pretty open about what's "for girls" and "for boys" am I right in thinking that their social group and community (especially church) is a bit more strict?

Maybe. I don't know. I've always felt accepted at the church. I don't really see anyone criticizing me for wearing hoodies or anything. I never had to wear dresses to church or anything, I dress normal. I didn't have people criticizing my hair although in church is a place where you can find older women with short hair. Although it's also where in conversation with some friends most said they thought short hair was for older women, not younger. As a preference, not as a supposed rule. That was the only case I remember my hair being a conversation-starter. So... I dunno? I mean there sure are people in there who are hardcore gender-apologists (like, women are thing and men are another thing) but I think they're actually a minority - as much as they can be. There are also those who are 'casual sexists', of course. But aren't those kind of everywhere?

I'll reply to the other part in private message, because it gets a bit too TMI for me to be comfortable talking in a public forum.

Thank you though for the replies, and for the reassurance that you're happy to keep chatting and with no time pressure <3

[–]jelliknight 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It matters a lot to me to have someone recognize that parents can fail but it doesn't mean they are supposed to be ignored to the rest of our lives because they are bad parents

We don't get perfect people in our lives. Just people. You wont get a perfect mother, perfect friend, perfect husband etc. All just regular people who try their best.