you are viewing a single comment's thread.

view the rest of the comments →

[–]iloveyou[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (8 children)

Thank you. Those are insightful questions. Mostly I think it's scary because I'm afraid of sexism and men and thinking too much brings uneasy feeling. Just today I happened to have a nightmare where I was being attacked by a transvestite, or trans, or someone of the sort. Usually I get nightmare like these but it's regular men. I'm afraid of getting obsessed and carried out with it and carrying some kind of irrational hatred.

I also am afraid of the changing of meaning of the word woman. If I have attached any labels to myself, they would be, human, and woman (which comes with human really) daughter, and sister. They're things that are right and won't change in my identity. I will always be these. I might not be empathetic and I might not be a friend with anyone one day but these I was born into. These labels help me feel that I belong because they're right things I can hold to. I am my body - I experience the world through it and I have to treat it nice. If I were to have my body changed (became blind, or paralysed, or other), that would make me feel trapped. But I would still be a woman, see? I would still be a daughter and a sister. I would still be human. I know this probably sounds really silly.

I am scared that people want to 'turn me trans' because I don't find. I'm scared of being excluded. I'm scared of feeling like more of an outcast, because 'meeting' more people that don't feel right in their bodies than meeting more people who don't want to change them - when both don't feel comfortable with sexist steretypes - hanging out with one group will make me feel like I belong and hanging out with the other will make me feel like I am expected to change. You are more similar to the 5 people closest to you, they say; so hanging out with confident people would make me more confident and hanging out with people who are less certain than me that I am a woman, could make me feel less right.

I feel that I'm both very influentiable and very critical depending on how much I trust the trustworthiness of the person, how much I admire them, how much genuine and honest and humble they seem. I know i'm prone to absorbing other people's interests and wanting to fit in with them as well. So this is something that scares for that reason.

Somehow writing this down wasn't as scary as I expected. I think what I said makes sense. Hard exercise but useful I guess.

[–]jelliknight 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (7 children)

Nightmares are unpleasant but they're important. It's your brains way of working through hypothetical or metaphorical scenarios so that you can figure out a good solution. The nightmares will likely continue until you find a course of action that makes you feel able to cope with that scenario. So when you wake up from a nightmare, think about what might have worked, what you could have done differently to get a different outcome. Hopefully, next time you have a nightmare you will automatically try the new plan. Your brain is trying to prepare you and protect you.

Afraid of sexism, what do you mean by that? Afraid of people thinking less of you because you're a woman, or afraid of being hurt?

Why are you afraid of men? What experiences have led you to feel this way? It's not irrational but I have a really great father, and now a good husband so I don't feel a generalized fear of men. Women who've had mostly very negative experiences with specific men tend to be the ones who have a general fear of all men. It's not irrational, it's your experience. But if you do have negative experiences in your history it's worth confronting them, because it is still making your daily life unpleasant.

You don't need to be afraid of being obsessed and irrational. You're aware of the possibility, so you'll check yourself. Being afraid of trans people specifically more than men is not irrational either.

That doesn't sound silly at all, it's very reasoned and impressively philosophical. You're correct, these are the foundations of who you are that can't be changed. Knowing where you stand is the first step to getting where you want to go.

Social pressure is hard for everyone, especially young people. You're very normal in this. Focus less on people and more on action. Think about what things you want to do in your life. Go mountain climbing? Learn to fix engines? Travel? Be around animals? Take a guess at a few things you might like and get involved in those activities in person. If you don't work out, pick something else. You've got plenty of time but start now on building a wonderful life. Contrary to what most people believe, self confidence doesn't come from affirmations and positive thinking (mostly) it comes from learning real practical skills that you know are valuable.

hanging out with people who are less certain than me that I am a woman, could make me feel less right.

I think you've got some internal work to do on learning where the boundaries between your feelings and other people's feelings are. Lots of us grow up in household where we're taught to mix them up, look after each other's feelings, base our feelings in theirs and so on. It's not very healthy. What someone else thinks you are shouldn't change what YOU think you are. It will take a bit of work and time to build up a solid idea of who you are.

You did so well digging deep here! That's level 1. Now you need a level 2 explanation: "I know i'm prone to absorbing other people's interests and wanting to fit in with them as well." Why do you think this is, and where did it start? Is it something you have control of? Obviously feeling like merely being exposed to someone else can change your fundamental nature is scary and unsettling. But how true is it? Are you more or less susceptible to influence than other people are, and how can you find out?

[–]iloveyou[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

Hi, thank you so much for your reply. Good idea about the dream. Usually, I can wake myself up. I will usually yell for help or something and then that wakes me up. So I'm not sure what else I would do in a situation like those. In real life perhaps I would try to find someone to group into if I could.

When I say I'm afraid of men, it's a very unusual fear. I feel diminished and a bit scared if a man uses a word like 'cupcake', 'sweetheart', 'love' or any other nickname. When women do those, I feel humiliated, but I don't think "red flag, retreat, step back". There's occasions where I will appreciate being called a sweet name like that, but this is for the general. However cute nicknames from men scare me. I am not sure why. I feel that for them to use them they must feel somehow superior, or showing intimacy I never gave them reason to think I reciprocated. In a man, intimacy not reciprocated could mean from making us not peers (I am not calling him cupcake, so that makes a hierarchy), to being stalked or something. I avoid any nicknames of the sort with anyone because I tend to associate them with condescendence. A child doesn't call her mother sweetheart, nor will she do it to her older sibling except jokingly. A mother can do that to the child though. If someone who isn't supposed to be my caretaker, mentor or close friend calls me that, they are establishing a hierarchy. It diminishes me and makes me feel powerless, excluded, and in the case of men, scared of second intentions and scared of boundary breaking.

Rationally, there is nothing to fear except if they are going to touch me or say inappropriate things. I am not saying when a man calls me that I jump to "is he going to touch me?", but I might just become more aware and attentive in the future, and less engaged to show my discomfort.

Afraid of sexism, what do you mean by that? Afraid of people thinking less of you because you're a woman, or afraid of being hurt?

Great question. I can't remember what I meant when I first typed that. One of the things that make me afraid of sexism is being taken less seriously in medical settings. Also people discussing about sexual assaults in the news - although they would most likely make fun of a man if he were the victim, that's also sexism because it's something of assuming men always want sex, or something. So maybe I'm afraid of being hurt, and of being thought less as well. Of being seen as lesser for not dressing 'girly'. Of jobs where you're required to dress a certain way (in most jobs even if there's no strict dress code, sometime there is one implied). Of being treated differently. Of someone assuming I'm 'cis' or 'nonbinary' when I don't identify with those labels, or a lesbian. Heck I've told people who called me 'tomboy' that I don't identify with that.

Why are you afraid of men? What experiences have led you to feel this way? (...) But if you do have negative experiences in your history it's worth confronting them, because it is still making your daily life unpleasant.

That's a complicated question. I love my dad. Like many parents he spanked me. Anger in men can easily escalate to rage and when it gets there, it's scary. It wasn't that bad, but I can remember vividly being afraid of him. He has broken boundaries when angry on accident or without realizing. He is stronger and he can do whatever he wants if he wants, which he doesn't. Men are stronger. I'm afraid of someone losing control. Although he has apologized and he regrets it, it's part of my history.

In relationships, I'm afraid that men won't understand me because I'm a woman. That they won't take something I feel seriously or be able to comfort me. I hate 'marriage jokes' that blame the wives, I don't like when they say men don't speak the language of women and are incapable of understanding them. I don't like when women play men, but I don't like when men play women and I don't like when either of the sexes generalizes the other. I don't like when things aren't taken seriously (friends get harassed in the workplace and no one lifts a finger that the costumers are eating them with their eyes). I don't like that I can't protect my friends and tell them to complain to her managers because they are supposed to protect them. I'm afraid of having me friends keeping being hurt by things like these, and I'm afraid of men doing the same to me.

I'm afraid of men when I walk alone in new places because they're stronger and they know I'm weaker; if they have ill intentions, they will prefer to assault me than a man.

In medical settings I can be 50% afraid of men, 40% afraid of women, and 10% not afraid for the ones that show to be trustworthy. I've been mistreated and heard horror stories. I'm afraid because I'm also afraid of speaking up if it happens again.

You don't need to be afraid of being obsessed and irrational. You're aware of the possibility, so you'll check yourself. Being afraid of trans people specifically more than men is not irrational either.

Yeah, you're probably right. They'll be stronger than me, at the very least. But personally it's more that I'm wary of someone who feels like they're performing. I won't be myself completely if I am with someone who I'm trying to figure out. Like if someone looks like they don't have an arm but you can't figure out if they do or not, your brain won't rest until it figures that out.

That doesn't sound silly at all, it's very reasoned and impressively philosophical. You're correct, these are the foundations of who you are that can't be changed. Knowing where you stand is the first step to getting where you want to go.

Thank you.

Focus less on people and more on action. Think about what things you want to do in your life. (...) Contrary to what most people believe, self confidence doesn't come from affirmations and positive thinking (mostly) it comes from learning real practical skills that you know are valuable.

This makes a lot of sense. I can't help but be wary of self-help books and stuff that encourage positive thinking only. They feel like lies and pats on the back. I am trying, but that's a slow process.

Seems like I typed too much so I'm making a continuation. Sorry for the long reply!

[–]jelliknight 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

Being uncomfortable with men giving you pet names is normal. The only men who've done it to me are either 80 or being condescending assholes. It's good that it sends up a red flag for you. Your analysis of it putting in place a hierarchy is correct and a very mature and advanced observation. I'm impressed. Hot tip for later in life: Do it back but more. He calls you "sweetheart" call him "kitten", he calls you "love" call him "Honey Shnookums". Works well for an adult workplace if you want to draw attention to him being condescending and flip the hierarchy without being labelled "difficult". Don't do it unless you feel physically safe, of course.

You can be afraid of being condescended at or humiliated. That's justified. Fear isn't reserved only for physical danger. The reason for asking is that if the majority of your fear is related to that and not to physical fear, you can come up with a bunch of good strategies to use if it does happen. In my experience fear goes away when you have a plan already practiced.

Being taken less seriously in medical settings is a genuine concern and again, it's something you should practice strategies for. I'm having to do that right now. For example, you should always ask "Why are you suggesting that?" "Is that the standard treatment?" "What is that based on?" and say things line "I'm not agreeing to anything right now, I'll get back to you." "If you're declining to do the test I'm requesting, I need you to record it in my chart while I watch and give me a copy. Please note that I request it based on X and Y and your reason for denying it."

Unfortunately we do live in a sexist world, but mostly that just calls us to a higher level.

Sorry that you had that experience growing up. Children shouldn't be physically afraid of their parents. I'm sure that does have an impact in how you perceive men going forward. You're right, it is important that men know how to control their emotions, more so than women. It's just the facts. We had a chihuahua that bit people, but a mastiff can't be allowed to get away with any sort of aggression, it's too dangerous. There are men out there who know this though.

Your fears are all valid. The next thing you should ask yourself is what can you do about it? You can stand up against workplace bullying and harassment, you can learn self defense skills that are effective (Krav Maga and Judo give an advantage to women) and women can physically defeat men. There was an MMA match between a 'transwoman' and a woman, and the woman won. In a street fight situation where you only need to get away it's totally possible to defend yourself.

Don't be sorry! I'm enjoying our conversation. You're a real smart cat

[–]iloveyou[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Thanks so much. There's so many replies I didn't know where to start. I am very happy to exchange this talk with you as well. I don't know how to explain fear outside of those aspects. Of course I also fear when I'm walking at night, alone or otherwise, or walking in a place I don't know well or if I'm particularly nervous. (Edit: I avoid doing things a lot with friends when it requires me to go somewhere at night. Unless someone I trust a lot is going with me and I'm assured we're going and coming back together I have cancelled my presence in many activities. This is another case of being afraid.)

Good ideas for the medical strategies, but... do you really do that? Last time I was in a medical setting and was mistreated (by a woman), who was condescending and rude and also disrespectful (humiliating me for my physical pain and worries, idk why), I was holding back my tears the whole time. I bursted in tears after I left. I had tears in the office as well but kept breathing in to not let them roll over my face. People can feel fear - like dogs - and when I'm being mistreated and humiliated, often I can't talk. I'm so afraid and I'm so in the verge of crying that if I spoke a word I'd be crying. When they don't take you seriously, crying makes people take you less seriously (not to mention not understand my words if I'm sobbing and trying to talk). Sure I'm not about to cry at all times, but thinking of being brave enough to confront them like that also puts me even more emotional.

You are right that I should practice strategies for it though.

I actually thought of getting classes for self defense too but I heard they aren't much good in the real world. I'm sure some women can defeat some men, but I'm small and weak and irl people might have a knife or a gun and you never know as well...

Thank you for calling me a smart cat :) see here's a place where that doesn't come off as condescending. I don't see myself calling men or women back some pet names, I don't see that fitting with me but I'll think about it... Because like they might not like that I do it and think I'm disrespectful. If you're just the new worker you don't have status to face people like that. Sometimes you just have to push through. I could always pretend I don't get boundaries, but who are we kidding. I am a terrible liar.

[–]jelliknight 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Good ideas for the medical strategies, but... do you really do that?

I'm learning to. I takes practice but it gets easier. Medical professionals are a service industry. They're there to do what you want and need. They forget that a lot, so you have to remind yourself. I've cried after medical appointments recently too. The medical industry has never taken women's pain or concerns seriously. It's not just you, it's not personal. They're like that to every woman. Practice the lines in your head until they're natural.

Self defense strategies do work. The right ones. Karate is a bit bullshit, but Krav Maga is pretty reliable. Anything that gives you confidence is worthwhile In reality, hitting back, screaming, or fighting at all makes you more trouble than you're worth to almost every attacker. I did a women's self defense class years ago which was very practical, i've tried it out on my husband and he's really strong and they absolutely do work. They teach you how to twist out of any grip, which spots to hit, how to get out if someone's on top of you or grabbing you etc.

You could have a knife or gun too, you could get licensed. Not saying that you should but if it's a real concern that's preventing you from living your life, you could. But Krav Maga teaches gun, knife, and blunt instrument defenses too.

[–]iloveyou[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I'm sorry that you have cried after medical appointments rcently. It's no easy to go to the doctor altoghether, much harder if the doctors are mean or don't listen to our concerns. I have once had to 'fight' with a doctor and the last thing I could do in that room would have been to ask her to write down and sign what she was doing, which was letting me go without referring me to a specialist. I try to fight for being taken care of. God, I hate doctors.

I will keep Krav Maga in mind. Not yet though. I don't want to hurt people, though. I don't want to be hurt, but I don't want to hurt others either. I don't feel comfortable with that. I hope that's my instinct if I have to defend myself one time (I guess I'd have to train to have that be my instinct) but it's just so scary. I won't carry any kind of gun though. You might think it's dumb - I think it is - that I avoid living my life because I'm just this coward. Maybe it really is and I just have to push through it. And if I get hurt robbed or worse... Gosh it's just... the world is scary. Everybody knows a man would rather target a woman than a man, that's elementary. It's just a cycle. Also, strangers don't care what happens to other strangers - no one does anything to help someone being publically assaulted. They don't want to get hurt either.

Twisting out of a grip is essential. That was something that would have helped me in the past. Ugh.

[–]jelliknight 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Yes, we shouldn't have to fight and i hate the medical profession too. I don't have a good solution just know that you pain is shared among every woman and more than a few men.

I don't want to hurt people, though. I don't want to be hurt, but I don't want to hurt others either. I don't feel comfortable with that.

I think of it from the point of view of wanting to be able to defend others. If I see a man abducting a child or assaulting a woman, i want to feel able to intervene and not a helpless bystander. You don't have to carry a weapon i don't, it was just a suggestion. It's not dumb to recognize danger, but then you have to make a plan. FYI unlike other martial arts Krav Maga is non-competitive because I involves things like groin and eye strikes so if you went to learn it you wouldn't ever have to 'spar' against someone, not really, you just practice the motions and skills. But there are also purely defensive martial arts and skills you could learn.

[–]iloveyou[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

You are totally right on this part, it's good to be able to help someone if you have to, especially a child. I bet the way you think is different and you carry yourself differently if you think you can defend yourself or others if needed.