[Vent] Vent about myself

submitted by iloveyou from self.GenderCritical

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[–]iloveyou[S] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

Thank you so much. I have had short hair myself. I feel that my mom never approved it. I wanted it as a kid but she made me feel insecure about it, but I did get it at 17. I've been growing it long again recently. I only met one girl with short hair before I cut mine - one who was very feminine-presenting. I was very afraid of being seen differently. Of being judged. I don't think I was as much as I thought I would be. And yet I'm still afraid of chopping it off again - because I hate when my family comments on my hair and I want to be pretty.

Older women are so much more judged than older men. Being a woman is hard physically. I don't know many people like those you say - none that are my friends- maybe because of where I live (?). Those sound like cool and confident people. I admire and envy a bit how they are like that and kinda wish I was too.

Thank you - I am trying to (forge my own path). You think it's bad to be vulnerable and say this out loud to someone else? That it'll make me more insecure? I am afraid that my friend will think that I identify as trans or non-binary - and I don't want that. I just want to be myself. I don't want to be a pity party. I am an adult human female and that's all.

Thanks a lot, your message is very comforting.

[–]jelliknight 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

because I hate when my family comments on my hair and I want to be pretty.

Do you want to be pretty or do you want to be accepted? Those are different things.

It sounds like you're struggling under the weight of a lot of spoken and unspoken sexist expectations.

Repeat this mantra: "My body did not come with terms and conditions."

There is no "wrong" way to be a woman. Everything you do is exactly what a woman does and should do. You make it so by doing it.

I do think you need some rad women as inspiration. I know a 70+ year old 5ft0 woman who has short hair and still rides motorcycles around the nation, solo. She's not a 'butch dyke'. She is a widow. She just doesn't give a fuck.

Being a cool and self confident woman takes practice, so start early ;) Yes, a lot of people will be crappy to you, nothing you can do about that, but it's worth it to be happy with yourself.

[–]iloveyou[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Do you want to be pretty or do you want to be accepted? Those are different things.

Both. More like, I want to feel pretty, comfortable, and be accepted. I used to feel pretty in my short hair but with time I got less compliments on it and kept feeling vibes from my mom that made me feel inadequate and not pretty. So that got heavy in my mind. I also wanted to grow my hair long to do a bun with it because I wanted to try it out. I 95% of the time have a bun but I hear people commenting how they would like to see me with the hair free. Good for them, freedom of speech. But come on.

Repeat this mantra: "My body did not come with terms and conditions."

Ain't that the truth. I was doubtful but saying that out loud made sense.

It does have terms and conditions like 'if you burn your hand, it'll hurt' of basic biology but really fashion changes. In a century or two it might be effeminate to use short hair and masculine to use long hair. We humans shape the fashion.

That woman you know is pretty rad.

Being a cool and self confident woman takes practice, so start early ;) Yes, a lot of people will be crappy to you, nothing you can do about that, but it's worth it to be happy with yourself.

I've been trying. It's hard to be confident when you're not confident and you're sensitive to other's comments, which I am. But I'm and I will be trying. Sometimes it feels like I'm more and more insecure, but maybe it's because I'm doing new things. When I'm used to them, it'll be easier.

Thank you for your words.

[–]jelliknight 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

The reason I asked if you want to be 'pretty' or 'accepted' is because they kind of mean the same thing. In some places in Africa "pretty" means distending your lip with a huge disc, or stretching your neck with rings. In China it used to mean mutilated tiny feet. "Pretty" means "meeting the current standards to be acceptable as a female." Pretty is such a low bar, darling. You can be so much more than pretty.

You ought to be comfortable in how you look. Something I like to do that helped me separate what I like from what other people like is to imagine myself in the Zombie Apocalypse. What would I want to look like than, with no other people around? Of course, how you look isn't the most important thing but you get to control it, so in what way would I want to control it? I think i'd want to wear leggings with a heavy skirt over them - comfortable and good for mobility. I'd wear boots, a singlet and jacket or vest, and keep my hair relatively short. I might wear rings or bangles, because i look at my arms all day, but i definitely wouldn't bother with make up. It's just an exercise to help you distance yourself from either complying with or rebelling against other peoples expectations and get closer to who you REALLY are and what you really like.

Hair is just hair. It grows back so go crazy with it. Worst case scenario, you wear a hat for a few weeks ;)