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[–]fuckingsealions 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

That makes complete sense. I didn't want to assume.

First, it is so hard to watch friends make what looks like a bad decision--the wrong job, poor romantic choices, etc. Transitioning is huge but it's like those other decisions we watch loved ones make. I'd say try to love your friend, and accept this change as best you can. Much like when a friend brings their terrible partner around to dinner. We focus on our friend, and tolerate the oaf, even if we don't like him/her. Because we don't want to alienate our friend. We try to see the good side and what is making our friend happy about the relationship.

There's a couple of outcomes here. Your friend may realize it's not working out for her. If you're positive and haven't heaped pressure on about how great her new identity is (sounds like you wouldn't), she may come around and the friendship will survive. Or she'll make peace with herself and her new identity, and hopefully you will just be able to hang with your friend. There might be a honeymoon period where all she wants to talk about is her transition, so it might be ok to give her some space until she settles some.

The third option is that you'll drift, which hurts, but it happens with a lot of friendships. I don't hear you saying you want to end it, so all you can do is see what happens.

I wouldn't worry too much about what other people think about your responses. People are very good at assuming their views align with others and projecting them on to you. I've perfected the, "Mmm" and "I see" type responses to deflect. If someone really tries to pin you down I'd go vague with "as long as Friend is happy" or "I don't know enough about trans issues to speak about it" and then change the subject.

Hang in there. And again, I'm sorry.

[–]FearfulFriend[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

One way I could potentially see it playing out is that we compromise by me using her new name and pronouns and her not expecting me to make any other changes in our relationship besides that. Then, we just see how it goes. That's probably the best-case scenario and it will be difficult, but doable. I'm also considering going neutral on hot-button social issues and focusing on less controversial things like literacy programs or malaria prevention or something like that where I can still be helpful without feeling like a lightning rod.