Wanting to drop my best friend because she recently moved to fucking la la land.

submitted by fuckupaddams from self.GenderCritical

My best friend is a female person. According to her, she is a non-binary trans masc. Okay... She's in a straight relationship with a man. A man who hates himself and has horrible depression and, like, really should be seeing a psychologist for those things but is instead going to see a doctor for estrogen pills because that'll fix his horrible self esteem right? Right. So my friend is dating this man. She's always gushing about how she's in a queer relationship and dating a "beautiful lady" and calling him a her. Mind you, this person hasn't even begun transitioning in any way except wearing a skirt out sometimes, which I wish he'd realize he could do as a healthy man but I fucking digress. I can't go along with it, I can't call this man a her, and sorry sister but no, you're not dating a "beautiful lady," and you are in fact not as gay as you think you are considering you're in a straight relationship. I've literally heard you fucking before, and that was the straightest sex I've ever heard. By the way, you're obviously trooming him by confirming every ridiculous idea he has about how being a """woman""" will somehow make him happy, when you two shouldn't be fucking around with this and he needs some real help. A man who hates himself and has major depression will not get all better just because someone is calling him a her, I'm sorry.

Rant, essentially. my best friend is a fucking moron. I want to slowly cut ties with her - them, sorry - and their beautiful lady boyfriend. Fucking madness.

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[–]our_team_is_winning 53 insightful - 6 fun53 insightful - 5 fun54 insightful - 6 fun -  (5 children)

<She's always gushing about how she's in a queer relationship and dating a "beautiful lady" and calling him a her. >

The modern world has become the strangest bragging contest ever. When I was much younger, other young women would boast "Oh my bf is so kind; he always brings me gifts; he never forgets our anniversary; he is so understanding; he's such a good listener" -- those were the things that impressed other females. Then someone pressed the Bizarro Button and young women wanted to boast "Oh my bf is actually my gf and we're in a lesbian relationship; he and I share a wardrobe; I'm bipolar and he's on hormones; if you don't join me in my delusions, you are NOT my friend" -- If someone could please press "restore original factory settings," that would be great.

Sorry you're losing a friend, but life is SHORT (you don't realize how short when you're young) and you need every precious moment to accomplish things and do positive things, not be dragged into a gender-insanity cesspool.

[–]fuckupaddams[S] 21 insightful - 2 fun21 insightful - 1 fun22 insightful - 2 fun -  (2 children)

My bf is pretty non-conforming and we actually do share some of the same wardrobe hahaha. But luckily he's sane and totally happy as a GNC man and hasn't been convinced to call himself a woman just because he likes to be pretty sometimes.

I agree, I want this insanity to stop being so damn normalized. As a young 20s chick in the most liberal city in the world, I can't quite escape it, especially since with a glance you'd assume I'm the same way (as in there are many liberal things about me.)

[–]SanityIsGC 13 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 0 fun14 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Back in the day when I was in my 20s, I had a friend who was super obsessive about her ex boyfriend and would do things like sneak up to his window at night and take infrared photos of him and the new gf. She also kicked down his door once. I ended the relationship though not specifically for those behaviours so I know how difficult crazy friends can be and what a toll it takes. You hit the nail of the head when you state she doesn't want to deal with reality. Anyone who doesn't want to deal with reality will only go further in a dark hole. I think they both need counselling.

Given your age I interested knowing whether you have a memory of a before time, where you and your friends wouldn't be aware of trans issues.

[–]fuckupaddams[S] 9 insightful - 2 fun9 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah when I met her she was a regular girl. Much cooler and way less pretentious.

[–]Aloudmeow 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Please don’t drag in real mental disorders like bipolar, which I have, into a discussion about TIMs; we have enough trouble, especially if we’re women, in being taken seriously and not as “crazy” or “making it up “ as it is.

[–]our_team_is_winning 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Many online LARPers like to misuse bipolar and self-diagnose as bipolar for attention seeking. It is insulting to people with genuine illness. I am merely pointing out what these men claim for attention.

[–]MarkTwainiac 25 insightful - 1 fun25 insightful - 0 fun26 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I can't tell how old you are, but IME there were a fair amount of painful "friendship breakups" in adult life long before gender ideology reared its misogynistic head.

Previously close friends in the past parted ways, never to speak again over all sorts of issues. Just as people who once were madly-in-love couples and devoted spouses do. Life is strange, with unexpected turns, and often we arrive at impasses where survival and self-esteem require that we walk away - or run away as fast as we can.

Be kind to yourself. People outgrow each other.

[–]onesundaymorning 19 insightful - 1 fun19 insightful - 0 fun20 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Ugh, times like these I am so thankful my three best childhood friends are TERFs. OP, you and your friend have fundamental lifestyle differences that are hard to overcome. I'm so sorry :(

[–]fuckupaddams[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I'm pretty sorry too

[–]bradjohnsonishere2 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Jealous. None of my friends IRL are TERFs . They all spout TWAW all day.

[–]yousaythosethings 18 insightful - 1 fun18 insightful - 0 fun19 insightful - 1 fun -  (10 children)

To be fair, this relationship is queer in the most literal sense of the world and I would be delighted if "queer" was limited to describing dumpster fire relationships like this and that they would leave gays and bisexuals out of it.

Sadly, it sounds like your friend is a codependent identity void, and she needs just as much counseling as he does. Women with a reasonable amount of self-esteem and/or a reasonably healthy mind do not react to situations like the way your friend is. As a codependent, she will be lifelong prey to the personality-disordered, mentally ill, and men with other addictions. Unfortunately she will also contribute to making all of their conditions worse too. So buckle up, because you will see this play out over and over again.

Have you noticed other codependent patterns with her?

[–]fuckupaddams[S] 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

Oh yeah she even admits she's always been codependent. She was with her last (emotionally abusive and extremely codependent) boyfriend for way too long. And in general she's extremely boy-crazy, which is another reason I find her spouting how gay she is all the time to be pretty funny.

What you say makes sense. And I know she's definitely encouraging her boyfriend to become a woman for God knows what reason. I'm genuinely concerned he's going to become a 41%-er down the line because he needs REAL help, not fucking estrogen pills.

[–]slushpilot 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I'm genuinely concerned he's going to ...

If I take a huge step back and look at what you're saying like some kind of objective alien, it sounds like the person we should be most genuinely concerned about is this guy, and not the girlfriend or your friendship with her. She can keep her crazy beliefs and be OK (although still a little weird) but if she's applying these beliefs to encourage an emotionally vulnerable person in a direction that leads to his suicide, that's quite concerning.

It might not be popular for me to say this here, but He should be protected from Her, as the more vulnerable one in that messed up relationship.

I don't think it's really your place to intervene, but if this guy is being encouraged to transition for the wrong reasons (and it sure sounds like it) it would be helpful for him to just have someone to talk to who isn't neck-deep in the same shit. It's a huge risk for you to get tangled up in their mutual craziness & have it blow up in your face though.

You mentioned your boyfriend: maybe talk to him about this and see if he wants to reach out to this guy to just be a "bro" to talk to in confidence. I don't know how close you all are as friends, so that's probably easier said than done. Ultimately, I agree this guy needs a professional, not an enabler girlfriend.

[–]fuckupaddams[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

But do you realize how the environment is? If i suggest to him, who I don't even have a personal relationship with, or her, that maybe transitioning is not the thing he needs, I will be the hateful asshole, and my intolerance and the same intolerance of everyone else is what leads to the depression and suicide. They literally won't see it rationally. To them, the suicide statistics of trans people is so because people didn't accept them as trans, NOT because of the transition in itself. There is no room for that conversation. They would both equally just consider me a bigot if I even suggested it. Even though she's encouraging it, he is the one coming out and saying "I hate being male, I want to be a woman." What can I do? I don't even know him. I just know what she tells me about his mental health.

[–]slushpilot 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Yes, I do get it. It's an impossible situation, so it's best to just stay out of it. It's not your responsibility to fix.

[–]fuckupaddams[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It's not but the whole thing makes me feel crazy. He comes to hang out with us wearing a skirt as if that affirms his new identity, when I wonder if anyone in his life ever told him he could dress how he wants as himself. The whole thing is depressing.

[–]slushpilot 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Now, are you looking to cut ties and walk away quietly, hoping she might later come to her senses and reconnect?

Or are you thinking you'll be the only person who will her the truth—the truth you've written here?

[–]fuckupaddams[S] 23 insightful - 1 fun23 insightful - 0 fun24 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I'm just sort of realizing she's a moron who wants everyone to be valid more than she wants things to make sense and be based in reality, and I don't want to pretend to live in la la land with her. How can I with a straight face agree with her that her boyfriend is a woman and she's not? It's fucking crazy.

[–]Lesbionia 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

My first instinct was to tell you to go quietly and to slowly distance yourself from this friend. However, I think you could get through to her if you wanted to. If your job/social life/etc wouldn’t be at risk from telling her that she’s being ridiculous and her boyfriend is in fact a man, you could go for it. She will likely be mad, especially since she’s probably feeling a lot of pressure to appease her boyfriend, but she obviously needs a wake up call from someone.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do. I’ve had to cut off more than a few people over this shit and it’s not easy.

[–]fuckupaddams[S] 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

No, you don't understand. I'd agree with you if this were about any of my other friends, but she specifically has an agenda. She's knee deep in this shit, has been for years. She'd cancel me hard, with glee, if I ever said anything on the contrary. She's gotten super mad before when I've even politely asked her wtf she's talking about. She thinks she's the savior of the gays or something.

[–]aldoushuxleyghost 22 insightful - 1 fun22 insightful - 0 fun23 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

If she can do actual damage to your life, sounds like you need to get off her crazy train and fade out then.

[–]fuckupaddams[S] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Can you tell me about the people you've had to cut off because of this?

[–]threefingersam 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

She sounds like one of those "trans chasers," people who consider trans as a fetish to them.

[–]Spicylikegumbo 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Thanks for the laugh. By the way, do you have anything in common with her anymore? Does she provide any benefits to your life? Those are two questions I ask myself when I am ready to drop someone. All friends aren't meant forever. Some friends are only meant for a season.

[–]fuckupaddams[S] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I've been friends with her for almost 7 years. We've lived together. But every year that passes by she gets more intolerable and maybe a little more brain damaged from the drugs she does. I'm outgrowing her, which I find a bit sad but the current version of her I really can hardly stand.

[–]denverkris 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I outgrew a friend of 20 years, who I should have dumped at 7 years. It's not likely to get better, so just do it now.

[–]luckystar 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It really is wild how often the transwoman+transman pairing appears. If you're a woman but your male partner has told you that the definition of "woman" is hentai porn skirt go spinny uwu sex slave, then you start to think you can't be a woman, because that doesn't describe you. The sad part is both parties have convinced themselves they're "smashing the binary" and being "progressive", when really all that's happening is men are redefining women using the terms of their oppression, and women are so desperate to escape that oppression that they try to claim they're no longer women.

The problem is that material reality doesn't change, and oppression is based on sex, not gender. That's why the men get to redefine "woman" in terms of their own twisted, misogynistic fantasies, and women are forced to accept it.

[–]materialrealityplz 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Wearing a skirt really makes you a woman. My eyes are rolling so hard they are about to pop out of my head. (I don't own any fucking skirts or dresses, but I'm still a women, thanks)

It sounds like they both really need help. It seems like the trans ideology is really preying on the vulnerable who think their problems will be solved by transitioning.

[–]MonstrousRegiment 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I sympathize! Sometimes I just don't want to see my "nonbinary transmasc" friend either. But she is a really lovely kind brilliant person and I have enough distance that she doesn't rub my nose in the "queer"ness of it all.

It must be harder when it's your best friend! Maybe if you introduced some distance the relationship could become good for you again.

[–]fuckupaddams[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

She just never leaves her boyfriend's side anymore and I'm getting kind of sick of the whole thing. She's very passive aggressive liberal queer as in fuck you and I'm kind of over that whole thing.

[–]MonstrousRegiment 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Passive aggressive is enough reason to do a slow fade or fast exit!