I suspect much or a large part of what's going on - and is understandably distressing to you - is generational.

If you and your peers are mid-30s, it means you were born circa 1985 and were 15 circa 2000 and entered your 20s circa 2005. So you're members of the first generation to come to awareness/adulthood during/after the period of history when feminism in the West degenerated into the "sex positive," dick-pandering "cool girl" ethos of "choosy-choice" lib feminism, which is a perversion and inversion of actual feminism that says the best way for girls & women to become "empowered" is to work as a stripper or hooker, and to suck dick and take dick up the ass...

And you're the first generation of women who grew up with the internet and online porn, and came into adulthood in the era of Pornhub. In fact, if you were born circa 1985, then you & your friends/schoolmates were circa 22 the year Pornhub began.

Ariel Levy documented the anti-woman sea change in the interpretation of feminism - and in Western culture more generally - in her really illuminating 2005 book, "Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture." Her book was too early to expose Pornhub specifically, but it really lays out & dissects many of the trends we see today that are so distressing and damaging - such as the pornification of so-called feminism, and lesbians in significant numbers starting to abandon second-wave feminism & the lesbian feminism of the 1970s, 80s and early 90s to take T, get double mastectomies & embrace queer theory and misogynistic gender ideology. Her book is much deeper & more wide-reaching than the title suggests. I can't recommend it highly enough.