all 44 comments

[–]just_lesbian_things 44 insightful - 1 fun44 insightful - 0 fun45 insightful - 1 fun -  (10 children)

Gender is bullshit. It doesn't mean anything. You're not a "guy" and you'll never be a "guy".

Why don't you do something meaningful with your life instead of agonizing over which "gender" you're "supposed to be"? I worked, studied, read, and volunteered when I was sixteen. I visited the college I would later attend, I read books that drastically changed my worldview. Do something with your time besides idiotic shit like drinking your own blood. Libraries are free, and a lot of them offer e-books now if you can't go there due to the pandemic. Learn new computer skills on YouTube (also free). Stop wasting your time interacting with ridiculous people online and offline. Don't ask strangers like me on the internet for advice. Don't tell strangers on the internet personal information about yourself like your age and sex. (do parents and teachers not teach online stranger danger anymore!?)

cried and had panic attacks when I would shave /down there/

So... don't?

[–]Comatoast 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (7 children)

There you go.

OP, Hoopla is a free service offered through most libraries that has audiobooks, ebooks, comics, graphic novels, shows and movies. Most libraries offer free language courses too, along with a lot of really cool shit. There's a D&D event that used to be hosted by the library here too, and a 3D printing class. All free.

[–]just_lesbian_things 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (6 children)

OP doesn't want advice, OP wants sympathy and free therapy.

[–]Comatoast 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Eh, well maybe someone else will appreciate the info then.

[–]Comatoast 25 insightful - 1 fun25 insightful - 0 fun26 insightful - 1 fun -  (9 children)

Where are your guardians while you're going through this? I understand the internet being an easy place to unload, but there's so much bullshit that can help reinforce self loathing that it's sometimes the worst possible place to go for advice.

[–]please_help[S] 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (8 children)

My parents don't know anything beyond me being lesbian. And I don't plan on telling them that I think I'm trans

[–]Comatoast 26 insightful - 1 fun26 insightful - 0 fun27 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

You're very much allowed to be a lesbian without having to change anything about yourself. If you're attracted to other women, you appreciate the features of those other women, right? Well, you've got the bonus of having those features too. Boobs are an inconvenience, but an excellent sports bra that's a little more confining keeps them out of the way for the most part. What kinds of things are you doing to keep your mind busy? I know school just started back up, so there's probably less time to do things outside of study.

[–]please_help[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

It's not just an inconvenience. It's not something I can just hide. I consider them tumors. They shouldn't be on my body and I just... I do not want to live with them, and with surgery as an option, I'm less agonized by them knowing I can erase them from my body. Anyways.

I definitely appreciate features that my girlfriend has. Unfortunately I'm not happy about the same features on myself.

As far as keeping myself busy, besides arguing with myself internally I've recently been focusing on losing weight, as well as collecting houseplants. I also go for bike rides looking for animal remains (a bit morbid, yes, but I'm hoping to become a taxidermist in the future)

[–]jelliknight 22 insightful - 1 fun22 insightful - 0 fun23 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

You need to learn some methods for guiding your own thoughts. You mind is like a garden, and your thoughts are plants. If they please you, water them and nurture them. If they're harmful, get rid of them. And make sure you pull them out by the root so they don't grow back.

Here's a method I taught myself that's sort of like a meditation. When you notice a distressing thought, take it out on its own and inspect it.

"I consider them tumors" lets just objectively look at that. Is it true? Are breasts tumors? No, of course not. They're a perfectly normal part of a woman's body. Is it helpful? Not really, it makes you feel negatively about yourself, about being seen, and it's leading you to consider drastic surgical intervention. What emotion is it based on? These things are growing and you don't want them there. You cant keep repeating something in your mind once you know it's totally not true, so rephrase it into something that is true: "I consider my breasts to be a perfectly natural growth that I'm uncomfortable with."

Let's do the second one, "They shouldn't be on my body" Is that true? They're breasts, you're a 16 year old girl. Is it true or is it false? Is it a helpful thought? Is it making you feel good or helping you to achieve something that you want to do? What emotion is it based on? Now rephrase that thought into something that's genuinely true. An example might be "even though breasts are normal body parts, I'd rather I didn't have them."

I was very interested in the macabre when i was younger, go with it. I second herbalism and taxidermy as great hobbies to focus your energy on.

Your body is for getting around in. You only look at it for a few seconds a day. Don't risk impacting the other 23 hours, 59 minutes and 45 seconds for vanity. No surgery is risk free.

[–]fuckingsealions 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

This is great advice. If OP or anyone is looking for more formal or detailed guidance, I'd recommend CBT techniques for people experiencing unhelpful thought patterns.

[–]TarshishJupiter 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Awesome tips here. I would also add that DBT is very helpful for people struggling with dysphoria. Dialectical thinking can help balance validating feelings and changing feelings that aren't effective. It's a bit more tempered than raw CBT, and it has really helped me out. I'm actually about to attend a DBT zoom session in a few minutes.

[–]Comatoast 19 insightful - 1 fun19 insightful - 0 fun20 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It's not about being happy with them, it's more of just an acceptance that they're there.

You know what goes well with houseplants? Learning herbalism and botany.

Eh, you're not going to weird me out, I've gotten some years to grow into my weird. Anyhow, if they're animal remains, they're not going to miss them anymore. Taxidermy is fucking awesome. My husband keeps trying to drop money on Etsy to get me one of the mice with the dioramas set up to look like various pop culture references. Start researching anatomy and bone structure, then look into poses. Here, you might like her stuff.

http://www.artbybrookeweston.com/gallery.html

[–]fuckingsealions 22 insightful - 2 fun22 insightful - 1 fun23 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

Hey. 25 years ago I wanted to bail out of being a woman too. Fortunately no one was around to offer to cut my tits off or cinch me up in the equivalent of a Victorian corset. Do you hear how I'm saying this? This shit is medieval. Do not do this to yourself.

Being a woman sucks a lot of the time. Ask yourself WHY? What makes it suck? Is it YOU? NO. You're fine. Society is messed up. It sinks into your head like odorless gas, all the messaging about what men and women are supposed to be. Being gay is not easy. Being a woman is not easy.

Give it time and you'll get used to it. You can go into the world and meet some people who are like you, and you'll feel better. You'll get older and I promise you you will feel less like you're under a microscope. You can be any kind of woman you want. You don't have to mutilate yourself.

People almost never regret the marriage they called off that they had a bad feeling about, the face tattoo they didn't get, the time they didn't drive drunk. It's ok that you want to be in a little cave right now away from the pressure you feel. Just give yourself time and see who you actually are. You can always make changes later.

This is going to sound smurfy, but it's normal to fucking YEARN at your age. It's part of growing up. You're supposed to want changes, to grow into someone different. It feels horrible, like you want to scream and explode. Use that energy to improve yourself if you can. Read, learn an art or craft, talk to different people, plan your future. Don't plan elective surgery.

Do yourself the favor of checking out detrans stories. Check out Irreversible Damage if you can get it. A lot of women have done things to themselves that they cannot come back from. Just give yourself time to finish baking, ok?

[–]DWD 19 insightful - 1 fun19 insightful - 0 fun20 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Others have given good advice re: getting offline more. Pour yourself into a hobby.

But I just want to add - when I was a teenager, everyone told me it was the best time of my life. Now I am staring down 40 and let me tell you, that was some crap.

The crazy changes to a woman's body, the hormones, being under the thumb of your parents, trying to make life decisions, all while dealing with the angsty assholes at school? It was awful. And I can only imagine how much worse it is with covid and the Internet.

I was a cutter, and remember telling my parents that God made me a woman to punish me. But you know what? Life just keeps getting better. I got out of their house, found a great career, started a family, and did a lot of travelling. I have found the rhythm of my body. And I am optimistic about the future.

My advice would be for now, decide not to decide. Tell yourself you will revisit the idea in a year, and give yourself a break from thinking about it. You are powering through one of the most difficult phases of your life right now, go easy on yourself.

[–]greenish 17 insightful - 1 fun17 insightful - 0 fun18 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

OP, try to hold off from doing anything permanent to your body at this age. Many, many teenage girls have found going through puberty and the resultant changes in their body extremely distressing, in every generation. This is the first really when you can do something to stop it, but just because we can does that mean that we should?

The brain isn't even fully developed until the mid 20s, there will be so much change in your body, and how you relate to your body and feel about it. Seriously, I know so many women who wanted breast implants/reduction/nose job/etc... in their teens and early 20s, who then 'grew into themselves' and even liked those features as they got older.

It's kinda a feature of being young, that is currently being exploited as if it's a new thing, but I assure you their pain and distress about it was just as real as yours, and now they're... fine. Let this natural process unfold for you to, stay strong against this female and homosexual erasing agenda, that really only throws those groups under the bus to prove the legitimacy of adult men with fetishes.

[–]jelliknight 17 insightful - 1 fun17 insightful - 0 fun18 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

You are 16. You do not want a double mastectomy. You don't even know your body yet. You haven't seen your body yet. It isn't finished developing. Your brain wont finish maturing until you're in your 20s. To say that you know right now that you want to make a permanent modification to your body is so rash it is itself proof that you're not mature enough to make such a choice right now.

That probably sounds condescending to you but it's important. The discomfort you have now, it ENDS. It really does, and not long into the future.

The wisdom of my extra decade and a bit has taught me it's crucially important not to fuck with your body any more than you absolutely have to. You are not a Mr Potato head that can have parts added on or removed without consequences. Your body is one interconnected whole. Messing with any one component has flow on effects. Stop binding your chest. Long term use decreases lung capacity and will make the entire rest of your life harder than it should be.

Whats "disgusting" about tits? Are they gangrenous and rotten? Got maggots in them? There's nothing "disgusting" about any part of your body. That is just a thought in your head. You can change that thought any time you want just by deciding to. Decide now that your body is just fine. Hating your body is a waste of life (another lesson I had to learn after I was your age).

whether I am actually a lesbian or I am a guy

Well you can't be a guy, so mystery solved. No one can ever change sex. There's not such thing as being a man "on the inside". While we're at it "gender dysphoria" isn't a real thing either. Being uncomfortable with your body is normal, especially in puberty. Being uncomfortable with the femaleness of your body is so normal it's boring given the society we live in. I don't know ANY woman who was perfectly happy with her body at your age. In my day it was anorexia, bulimia, and cutting. Now it's mastectomies and testosterone. The sooner you change course away from self hate, the better off you'll be. You can never hate yourself into becoming someone that you can love.

I know that I have xx chromosomes (most likely, never actually had them analyzed :0)

If you've even had a period you are 100% for sure a woman. Trans talk likes to make it seem like you never really know for sure but almost everyone knows for sure by the time they're your age whether they're male or female. If you menstruate out of your vagina you are female. If you ejaculate out of your penis you are male.

Look, being a teenager is fucking HARD. Your emotions are cranked up to 11, you have responsibility but no freedom, and you have no experience to draw on in any situation whether internal or external. It sucks. Anyone who tells you it's the best time of your life is full of shit. But it WILL end. You just have to hang in there. I experienced a major shift in my thinking and emotions when i was 19, without doing anything at all. It's just maturing.

Don't obsess about something that's distressing you as the idea of transgender clearly is. Distract yourself, challenge the negative thoughts, or just wait them out.

I think if you work on accepting who you really are - a perfectly normal 16 year old girl with plenty to offer the world - you will be much happier than obsessing over an idea you can never achieve. I suggest reading about awesome women from history who broke out of social restrictions to do exactly what they wanted, because being uncomfortable with being or looking female comes mostly from the expectations that are associated with that. From listening to de-transers, 'social transitioning' just makes the feeling of being out of place so much worse, so my gentle advice would be to just drop it altogether, give it a few months, and see how you feel.

[–]Spikygrasspod 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I'm sorry you're struggling. Of course you can do whatever you need to in order to feel better. But are you placing too much meaning on your breasts and what it will be like to get rid of them? Maybe start with taking the focus off the question 'am i lesbian or trans'. The answer to the question doesn't need to be found right now; the answer will still be there to be found later. It's not urgent.

Instead, it might be worth doing some digging. What do you like about the idea of going to the beach topless? What would you feel? How would people react? What would it mean for you? For me I hated my hips. I felt they meant domesticity and childbearing, and I wanted to be an adventurer instead.

Do you do any sports or activities where the focus is on what your body DOES rather than what it looks like or symbolises or how it makes you feel? I ask because taking up strength sports actually significantly relieved my body dysmorphia, and other women have said so too (usually in relation to weight, but this is not unconnected to our sex and gender)

[–]jelliknight 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I hated my hips. I felt they meant domesticity and childbearing, and I wanted to be an adventurer instead.

Guh, totally! How come all the cool women in movies have androgynous body shapes? You never see a badass or mechanic character with hips that would shame a Clydesdale

[–]Spikygrasspod 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah, the only women worthy of being adventurers are very slim. The 'character' options for sturdy or plump women are not very many.

[–]aldoushuxleyghost 15 insightful - 1 fun15 insightful - 0 fun16 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

You are welcomed here. I myself consider myself more truscum, then on the full terf end of the spectrum.

Wish I could give you hug. Sexual trauma is not the only path to gender dysphoria. Internalized misogyny and homophobia is another way in. This world hates, HATES females and lesbians while at the same time hyper sexualizing young women. It's hard not to internalize this and it can come out many ways. Even as self disgust if you have been on line all your life and especially if you've watch porn these days.

What you are feeling (disgust of your chest and pubic area) is not unusual for females your age. I'm old so my advice and perspective might be of no use to you. But I will still ofter you my personal experience since like you I Hated my body from 11 to 18.

The truth is your mind and body are not done growing until your early 20s. At your age, your brain is literally rewiring itself from a child's to an adult brain, higher brain functions are no where near fully developed, which is why you are not allowed to do many adult things like drink or vote.

Your dysphoria may change radically as the years/decades slip by. For me my detached disgust for my body started to settle down after high school, and by 22 I felt pretty comfortable with my female parts. Tis is not uncommon. Though of course ymmv.

I don't have much advice, beyond you are very young, don't rush, take it real slow. Engage with your body through exercise, eat well, find fulfilling hobbies that are not on the internet. Last I would recommend you connect with slightly older desisters/detrans transmen in there 20's who have been through what you have. I don't know many, can only recommend GNC Centric (Ben is ex-transman lesbian, is) comes to mind... https://www.youtube.com/c/GNCCentric

Wish you all the best.

[–]Shesstealthy 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

All I can recommend is finding stuff to do that has nothing to do with gender or sexuality or identity. Step away from the internet and go outside - bike ride, hiking? Grow some plants? Cook? Build a set of shelves? Do something else that will focus your mind and healthily, non-genderedly, use your body. Get yourself tired out and have a good sleep. Do these things regularly.

[–]crodish 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Seconding this, this this this!

/u/please_help TW for talking about ED, talking about it because it's relevant - when I was struggling with it, the advice I got was to be "more mindful" and not constantly ruminate about the topic that was making me feel like shit, ie eating. Of course the immediate reaction is to go, "but how can I possibly NOT think about it?!" and it's hard, it's hard af, but you can DO IT

You know those times when you're watching a new movie for the first time, and it's so fucking good or funny or awesome you get totally caught up in it, and all your thoughts are just solely about the movie and the characters? Or you're playing a game or doing some physical activity or whatever and you get so caught up grinding or reaching goals that's all you focus on? Yeah, do that! Maybe it'll only work for a little while, that's fine! The point is to keep doing it little by little every day, until it becomes a part of your normal routine that you just... do it, because it's what you do!

Like... typing. Typing's easy now, but remember the first time you had to use a keyboard, and how hard it was to remember what keys were where and how to type without looking down, typing is so slow, why can't we just write? (Might not apply if you used smart phones from birth)

or when you start a new game and everything is confusing af because the interface is new, but after a week or so you know it like the back of your hand. It's the same thing. Stop indulging in stuff that makes you feel bad, and focus on things that make you feel good!

That said, it's easier said than done. Get the support you need - friends or family you feel you can talk to about this - and don't beat yourself up if you "fail", because failing is just another step towards success. You gotta grind a while to level up. It's good that you realized this early, so hang in there! Really hope you get the peace you're seeking with yourself.

Also, yeah, puberty fucking sucks. I hated my boobs when I was 16, too, and still don't really care for them, to be honest! just... ignore them best as you can. Sounds stupid, right? Life be like that doe. "They're there. It's normal, and it's okay to dislike them. Everyone has somehing they don't like about themselves, and I'm not going to let that stop me from enjoying things."

Sorry for the ramble. Just stuff I wish my teenage self would have heard, if I was in your situation. Hang in there! You are perfect the way you are!

[–]kr66t 12 insightful - 1 fun12 insightful - 0 fun13 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I was you once, not necessarily thinking I might be trans, but I was extremely dysphoric about my breasts. They felt like a sickness to me, two tumours I just wanted lopped off. I had the great fortune of them being huge and heavy as well, there were no bras in my size, there was no hiding them, I wanted nothing more than to scratch them off. And it seemed like I was going to feel like this forever.

But then in my mid twenties it just stopped. I got used to my body. The psychological pain was gone. I did go on to get a reduction surgery due to physical pain, but I'm by no means flat the way I fantasised so much about as a teenager. And it feels ok, it's not something that crosses my mind anymore.

I feel that puberty is really hard on girls, our bodies change in ways that throw us literally off balance. There's weird lumps and bumps, pains we didn't have before, it's like our bodies are conspiring against us. And nowadays it gets medicalised in ways it didn't before - maybe you have gender dysphoric, maybe you need pills to put puberty on hold, we can cut off parts or give you meds to make things grow. I think in reality what young people need is time to get used to their bodies after puberty. It can be painful at the time, but if it normalises in 5 years (which I know seems like a huge amount of time) maybe it's worth it. Imagine you have surgery and you end up being in either physical or mental pain from that. There's probably less of a chance it'll blow over by you just maturing into your body.

As for binding, I know it makes you feel better, but it'll probably make it take a lot longer for you to be able to grow accustomed to your body. If you're inclined to do sports that helps, especially lifting weights and things that make you feel stronger and more powerful in yourself.

Also, easier said than done, but just avoid people and places that encourage all the pain. I would've been much better off not hanging around people who were super self-involved about their bodies and pain surrounding them. If you don't have any find some real world hobbies, away from people that talk about bodies and transition. You'll find being around people who don't get hyperfocused on the things that cause you anxiety and pain will encourage your thoughts to linger less on those things as well.

[–]Terfenclaw 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

While I can't say whether or not you truly have gender dysphoria, my understanding was that the "true" cases of dysphoria tend to have that feeling very young, and it persists into adulthood. (Which isn't to say that all cases of childhood "gender dysphoria" persist into adulthood, ofc.) You should definitely try to talk to a therapist or counselor about any comorbid psychological disorders you might have, whether it's depression or something else. Hold off on hormones and surgery until then, and be careful with that chest binder. It can result in permanent damage even if you're using it "responsibly."

I recommend taking a step back from the internet and try to exercise regularly. It's really one of the best things you can do to fight depression. Good luck with whatever you choose, though.

[–]Eurowoman24 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Hi there, I'm really sorry that you're going through this but please! please! please! wait before you do something irreversible like a double masectomy or take testosterone. I'm going to try and be gentle but here it is, in terms of dating post-transition you'll realistically probably only be able to date bi-women since lesbians being homosexuals look for women with female sexual characteristics and hetero women look for male ones + often fertility compatibility. Do I believe you can ever be a man? I'm sorry no, the illusion of one? yes. I would wait until you're 25 tbh, and right now that might seem like a long time but that's the age where you're mentally fully mature and by then would have the life experience and more importantly post-highschool experience to properly reflect on this. If you want to transition still? it's your choice! I just want you to know of the risks hun and be able to make a fully formed decision. Have you tried looking in first with what it takes to be a butch lesbian? Also just because you're a woman does not mean you have to adhere to feminine stereotypes at all! From someone who has been there and was dysphoric about my breasts and changing body I can tell you it usually gets easier, please consider seeing several therapists before going through with this. Anyways feel free to message if you need someone to chat too.

[–]Complicated-Spirit 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I want to point out that you have experienced sexism. We all have.

Even if you haven’t been told to your face, “You can’t do something because you are a girl”, you’ve seen it in advertisements. You’ve seen it in TV shows and movies. You’ve heard it in music. You’ve witnessed it being directed at other women. And you’ve absorbed it, whether you want to or not, because it is everywhere, literally part and parcel of our culture.

Over half of our minds are subconscious/unconscious. When we do or feel things that we don’t understand, it is almost always because we’ve internalized something and don’t consciously realize it, and that’s where that feeling or action is coming from.

For my entire childhood, I loved to draw. But I only drew women. I never drew men. It never occurred to me as to why; I wasn’t really thinking about it. But I hated talking to men, or even looking at them. It was just an automatic feeling of discomfort; I didn’t address it fully, I just felt it. It wasn’t until years of therapy later that I realized that I did not like to even draw or associate with men because I was afraid of them, due to my fear of my father, who was a terrorizing presence in my childhood. Likewise, I hated my body changing; I felt fear and disgust over it during puberty, particularly menstruation. I felt terrified at the thought of “becoming a woman”, but I didn’t really know why. I just did. I had to work it out as an adult, that I had unconsciously - through cultural influence and observation of my own family - absorbed the idea that womanhood = motherhood, submission, being a “good wife”, which meant taking whatever my husband threw at me (sometimes literally), being used by a man. It meant that I would absolutely have to uphold and obsess over beauty standards for the rest of my life. And I didn’t want to do any of those things, and I felt so trapped in my body. I couldn’t put it all together then, though. All I knew what that I didn’t feel right.

[–][deleted] 9 insightful - 2 fun9 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 2 fun -  (2 children)

Eh I never like my breasts either. Couldn’t wait to grow up and get rid of them. Think I was 30 when I stopped caring about them.

[–]YoutiaoLover 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Me too. Growing up I found them annoying, lately I forget they exist most of the time.

[–]Shesstealthy 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Conversely I got mine late and LONGED to have more than two fried eggs. I wore a bra well before I needed one. I hoped that i would one day achieve a b-cup and felt bad when my more developed friend told me i would always need push up bras.

A year or two.later i was a very full C and they kept on getting bigger and bigger... by then I had lost my worries about boobs and while they're not very fashionable at a G cup I've had them so long they're just... there.

[–]jet199 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Low self esteem about you body is hard to kick. In a way it exists to stop us being too unhealthy but for you it's just focused massively on the wrong target. If I were you I'd start reading things and doing exercises to love and accept your body which have nothing to do with either trans or rad fem stuff. After all 90% of male trans people have no surgery at all and still think they're god's gift. You feel bad about your body because you are female with a female brain not because you're different.

I saw one detrans lesbian woman saying she learned to appreciate the things she hated about her body because she thought they were beautiful on other women, could that sort of mindset be helpful to you?

[–]Feather 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I agree whole-heartedly with the people who advise you to explore, and get treatment for, any possible comorbid psychiatric conditions. (Comorbid conditions are conditions that a person has at the same time as other conditions. The two conditions are present separately but nonetheless interact and exacerbate each other. And sometimes one causes the other.)

Maybe you can't do it now because of your parents, but when you're a bit older you'll be able to.

I don't want to explain why in a publicly available comment, but I'll say this: I despised my breasts so very much that, for about a decade, I fantasized about cutting them off myself. For a decade.

I only became okay with them when I got proper psychiatric treatment. And even then it took a few years of treatment before my breasts and I made peace with each other. (I never even mentioned my breasts to any of my treatment providers, but somehow getting the proper treatment led to me being okay with my breasts.)

If, after getting proper treatment, you still want them gone, more power to you. But don't do it before then.

[–]materialrealityplz 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

A lot of girls hate their bodies - it's why you see diet ads everywhere, and the make-up and fashion industry is so huge. But you can accept it and get used to it. At least wait until you older to take any drastic action. You are still growing and finding who are you at that age.

I really hate my boobs, and I'm in my early 30s. Often I think of cutting them off though I don't have any dysphoria, I just hate them. But I just deal with it. I guess I'm somewhat gender non conforming too as i don't shave and hate dresses and skirts and stuff. You can be a women and not like feminine shit.

[–]strictly 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I still hold onto some aspects of being part of that community, but no longer feel like I belong because I've convinced myself that I am transgender.

Lesbian is a sexual orientation, not who you feel community with. If you are female person who is only attracted to female people you are a lesbian.

Maybe I do, but I'm actually a cis lesbian.

Plenty of lesbians don't bother with having any gender identities at all and are neither trans nor "cis". The only thing that can make you, a female person, not a lesbian is being sexually attracted to males.

Every night I'm on the fence, arguing with myself at night about whether I am actually a lesbian or I am a guy. Every night I'm on the fence, arguing with myself at night about whether I am actually a lesbian or I am a guy. I know it isn't logical. I know that I have xx chromosomes (most likely, never actually had them analyzed :0) I know that I can only alter my appearance, not my DNA.

What you are saying isn't logical as you are contradicting yourself. You are not on the fence about whether you are a guy, you know you are not a guy. A guy wouldn't think he is trans for wanting to be what he already is. Being one the fence about being a guy would mean you would be on the fence about which set of reproductive organs you were born with, which you are not. You are on the fence about wanting to be a guy, and that is something else. Also, unless you are on the fence about being sexually attracted to males you are not on the fence about being a lesbian either, you already know you are one.

I still respect other trans people and don't see them as anything other than the gender they're transitioning as

How do they know the people of their target sex have the same gender feelings as they do? They don't.

I believe that without dysphoria, you're just masculine/feminine but still cis.

The official definition of cisgender is having gender identity on the same side of one's sex. Many people don't have gender identities at all so they are neither cis nor trans. People can also be dysphoric and never intend to transition, making them dyshoric but not trans.

I want to get the idea that I'm trans out of my head

If you want to be a guy, then you want to be a guy, that's just the current state of things. Your feelings might change with time or it might not, the future is unknown. People who would be prefer being the opposite sex are not unusual though and most people who want to be the opposite sex don't transition. It's a pity that transition is seen as the only option when it's the extreme option. Humans are not hard-coded to prefer being their sex so simply wanting to be the opposite sex shouldn't be seen as an error that must be fixed by transitioning. It perfectly fine for a woman to prefer being a man and not take testosterone. Note, adults can do what they want to their own bodies though so if a woman wants to take testosterone I'm not going to be against that either.

I know that gender/sex isn't a feeling

Gender is a social construct, gender identity is a feeling only some people have (like trans people) and sex is a biological fact.

[–]moody_ape 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

i'll try to help you giving some advice i think might be good for you, but remember no one here is an expert. we're all just trying to help.

  1. the most important thing right now is to seek professional help with a therapist who is not affirm-only.

  2. stay away from the trans bubble for a while and see how you feel. we are very influenced by our environment and sometimes we loose ourselves to the group we belong. get out of your internet bubble and talk to other people (talking to us here is a great thing you've done already!), preferably about other things. obsessing about gender is bad - obsessing about anything is bad.

  3. look for stuff by detrans women (there is a bunch of youtube channels by detrans people - i recommend GNC Centric). they understand your experience and they can also give you valuable informations about transition, stuff that no doctors told them when they decided to have surgeries and take hormones.

  4. search for materials about internalized misogyny and internalized lesbophobia. i think these things are related to what you're feeling. once you understand what is behind your feelings, where they come from and why they happen, it's easier to overcome them.

  5. consider yoga as a hobby. yoga help you with body awareness and is a good physical activity. by moving you're body in a mindful way and learning about the amazing things it is capable of, you'll learn to appreciate it more and more.

  6. consider meditation as a frequent pracitce. it helps you control your own mind and keep instrusive thoughts away. it is difficult in the beginning, but be patient. learning how to meditate is an act of self love because you need patience and perseverance. it is very rewarding and feels really good when you achieve the meditative state. you can find guided meditations online. i encourage you to start with 5-10 min pratice and increase the time little by little. also, do some research on the benefits of meditation. for example, it can literally change you brain, as in growing more cells. it's amazing!

  7. i know it sounds painful as hell, but you need to face the fact that you are female (and it's even better if you learn to appreciate it to some extent). getting over a psychological thing is very difficult and professional help is essential, as i have already stated. however one little thing you can do (that is actually huge) is looking at yourself in the mirror and observing your features. this one isn't mandatory, but i do think it can be beneficial. you shouldn't feed the thought that you are male because that is not the reality. you can't solve a problem if you don't face it.

i hope my suggestions help you somehow. i tried to write them in order of importance so you know you're priorities. good luck!

[–][deleted] 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I don't know if it helps, but I know I absolutely hated everything about my body when I was a teenager. When I was younger, however, porn access was fairly limited and social media wasn't a "thing" (we shared one computer with dial-up internet access for the whole family). Consider the possibility that you've been groomed or conditioned into thinking you're trans based on stuff you've been told online. Many people are susceptible to brainwashing on some level, regardless of how intelligent they may be. Normally I'd suggest a therapist, but I have a sinking feeling that most therapists will try to encourage transitioning over anything else, because many of them are afraid to lose their jobs if they suggest anything else to their clients.

[–]Vulvamort 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

You are 16. So far the amount of time you've existed without breasts far outweighs the time you've existed with them. Of course they're going to feel foreign to you. You JUST got them. You don't need to have been assaulted in order to hate your breasts. Puberty is rough on EVERYONE. I'm not saying this to minimize your feelings, but I've seen so many trans teens say the same things everyone says about puberty, but frame it as dysphoria. Give it time and be kind to yourself.

A few things to keep in mind, coming from a former TiF:

Being more comfortable with a "unisex" name and male pronouns doesn't mean you're a guy. It means you hate being a girl. Which is very normal considering the world we live in.

Hating your breasts doesn't mean you're a guy. It means you either hate having breasts, you hate being a girl, or both. Which, again, is normal. A lot of women hate their breasts. Hatred of ones breasts doesn't mean they're men.

Having panic attacks when shaving your vulva doesn't mean you're supposed to have a dick instead. It means you hate having a vulva, you hate shaving it, or both. Once again, this in no way makes you male. If you don't want to shave it, don't. It's better if you don't shave it anyway so you don't irritate the skin down there.

|I personally haven't experienced any sort of sexism or sexual harassment, nothing of the sort

While it's great that you haven't been harassed or assaulted, there is no way you haven't experienced sexism. Especially as a young lesbian. So many FtMs say this but sexism and gender roles are everywhere. There is no way that you've managed to transcend something that permeates every corner of society. It doesn't have to be overt. I had to correct a friend the other day for assuming my doctor was male. This adds up. It bleeds into hobbies (crafts are coded as a "girl" thing). It bleeds into competency (being good at math is seen as masculine). It becomes obvious that you have to specify when a doctor, scientist, engineer, or programmer is female because many people will assume a male default.

I'm not saying these things happened to you specifically, I'm giving examples of sexism that can be hard to recognize but easy to internalize.

Also, most people don't have a gender identity. Don't let people lie to you and say 'cis people never question their gender/cis people don't hate their sexed body parts' because that isn't true at all.

'cis people feel like their gender' is probably the biggest lie of them all. No one 'feels' like their biological sex. I don't 'feel' like a woman any more than I 'feel' short. I can be reminded of my height when I'm next to someone very tall. I can be frustrated or uncomfortable when I can't reach something (similar to how being called "she" reminds you of being female and causes you discomfort). I can even hate my height so much that I always wear lifts in my shoes, post in forums for tall women, and desire surgery to make my legs longer. But I don't have some innate sense of shortness. It's not something I feel, it's something I AM. The same is true for being female. Not feeling like a woman doesn't mean you're a man. It means you're a female human who hates being female. I'd advise finding a therapist who isn't gender affirming to help you sort out why.

[–]worried19 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

When I was 16, I planned to be dead rather than be an adult woman.

In my case, the distress was social rather than physical, but it amounted to suicidal ideation and persistent, continual feelings of alienation from womanhood. I still struggle with the latter and probably always will. Being female in a society that hates female people is tough. It's been made very clear in this culture that we're considered inferior to men, sexually, socially, and in every other way.

If you're active on Reddit, I recommend r/detrans. For YouTube, I would check out the Pique Resilience Project. All of those young women started transitioning around age 15 and were detransitioned by 19.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxVmSGTgNxI

[–]MonstrousRegiment 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Oh dear person, give yourself a break! You are 16 years old and your main task is not to classify yourself or alter yourself. It's to grow into yourself and love yourself and accept your imperfections and the failures of everyone else too (a life-long task!).

And why the hell would you shave "down there"?! Get to know yourself well enough that "down there" doesn't any longer seem like an appropriate phrase. In other words, masturbate. a lot.

[–]zephyranthes 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Maybe I do, and I'm actually transgender.

You appear to not have a definition of "transgender" that makes sense.

If you take testosterone to grow a beard and have your breasts cut off and/or a sausage installed, you will be "actually transgender" by dint of having engaged in a type of body modification, being a woman who had her body modified to resemble a man's, similarly to how other body modification enthusiasts make their bodies resemble wasps or cats or devils in some aspects.

If you have your sex changed to male in government records (regardless of what it takes in your country), you will be "actually transgender" by dint of being a person who intentionally and legally changed her listed sex to the wrong one.

I haven't been able to talk to a therapist But moreso, I'm just seeking advice to sort of erase this from my brain.

Talk to a therapist. Or better yet, go off social and daily rotation media. Watch movies, read books, take up a creative or outdoors hobby.

If you're considering radical body modification, please understand it's a very expensive (in opportunity costs) and physically, mentally, and socially damaging pursuit. It will also irrevocably damage your dating prospects and drastically narrow your choice of partner regardless of wealth and social status. If you think face tattoos are a bad idea in general, you should not masculinize your body. If you think you may be interested in romantic love and/or children later in life, you should not masculinize your body.

Cis is a slur.

[–]trumpetvine 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I haven't met a single woman in my life who was satisfied with her body. (Y'know, I don't think I have ever met a single person, male or female, who was satisfied with their body, men just don't talk about it.) You say that you haven't experienced any sexism, which isn't true. Every female experiences sexism. Why would you shave "down there" anyway? By "down there" I assume you mean your pubis area, and your discomfort with the vocabulary is evidence of the harm society has done to you. So stop shaving. It'll give you ingrown hairs, and seriously, what is the point of it? To look like a child? Creepy. Others have encouraged you to give the pro-trans forums a break and to pursue your interests in herbalism and taxidermy, and I agree. Herbalism is cool, animal skeletons are cool, too. The only thing you should do to your body is make it as strong and healthy as you can. You have enough wisdom to have not permanently altered yourself with hormones and surgery, and you are seeking diverse views on the subject, which is encouraging. I think you have a good chance of becoming a very well-adjusted adult in 10 years. I wish you nothing but the best.