I came out as *le Tervenclaw* to a very close person...

submitted by AdmiralPangolin from self.GenderCritical

she ditched me like I'm freaking Titler or something. I don't understand this at all. For comparison, I've had verbal clashes with religious friends both Christian and Muslim and none of them decided that the right course of action was to ditch me as a friend all together based on my (opposing) beliefs. I am opposed to both of them yet my friends are still my friends regardless of the discussions we've had in the past. My "special friend", however decided to ditch me all together. I met her about 8 years ago, we live 2000km apart and through the years we've stayed in contact both online and offline (as in we've sent letters to each other) And the thing is I was very open with her, regarding myself, my struggles in life etc. She was too. Sometimes is easier to "confess" something to a person standing 2000km away from you rather than confide in an actual close friend. Nevertheless, we were close I knew her secrets and she knew mine, we didn't have a relationship by any means but we were close, bonded by mutual struggles. This brings me to my point, we usually communicate through long (very long) emails on a monthly basis, so when the JKR thing blew I admitted to her that I was a terve, I didn't use the word terve though, I just told her that I respected JKR and that given the circumstances we might want to be more vigilant than ever regarding the trans topic. And from that moment onward, all I got was silence. Eight years of normal communication was cut down thanks to this TRA cult.

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[–]moody_ape 39 insightful - 1 fun39 insightful - 0 fun40 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

that's sad. i'm sorry you've lost a friend to trans activism. argh, it shouldn't be like that! people should be able to disagree without all this hostility. she could at least try to understand you position.

[–]AdmiralPangolin[S] 51 insightful - 3 fun51 insightful - 2 fun52 insightful - 3 fun -  (1 child)

I don't get it honestly, it's starting to resemble Scientology in the sense of cutting off communication with the non-believers or whatever it is they call them. It's one thing to have a dialogue and another thing to disappear over an (trans) issue.

[–]moody_ape 25 insightful - 1 fun25 insightful - 0 fun26 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

well, hopefully this will add to her peak, because at some point she will have to peak. we all peaked, didn't we? i'm hopeful this can be a start for her peakening.

i've lost friends too, for various reasons, and i survived. it is sad, but sometimes it is necessary. and sometimes friends come back. i've had some friends reach out to me after thinking about stuff and even when i was in the wrong, they insisted and we worked things out. maybe you'll have to be that insistent friend, maybe you'll be the one who waits to be contacted, maybe you two will never talk again. just remember that you can always make new friends! i like making friends online, so feel free to PM me if you want. i'll be glad to talk to you :)

[–]dustyboobs90 31 insightful - 4 fun31 insightful - 3 fun32 insightful - 4 fun -  (1 child)

That is awful and I'm sorry, but I chuckled at "Titler". Sounds like nothing of value was lost, honestly. If someone is so uncomfortable at having their beliefs challenged that they would ditch someone they have known for that long over it...they are clearly not very bright.

[–]AdmiralPangolin[S] 12 insightful - 2 fun12 insightful - 1 fun13 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

I saw that meme a couple of months ago, I'm still unable to write H, always going with the T. :)))

[–]CastleHoward 30 insightful - 1 fun30 insightful - 0 fun31 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I've been trying to explain that this is a breakdown in reason in society.

[–]sisterinsomnia 17 insightful - 1 fun17 insightful - 0 fun18 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Seems like it, doesn't it? From Trump to TRAs not one brain cell in sight.

[–]Immortallogic 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Reason number 17236 not to have children. Save your poor unborn kids the misery of living in this increasingly fucked up world that isn't looking like it's going to get any better.

[–]sisterinsomnia 21 insightful - 1 fun21 insightful - 0 fun22 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

So sorry. I think most people have swallowed everything the trans activists work for: that they are killed at the highest rate of all (not true), that they are most oppressed (depend on place and time and what we compare to), that trans rights are exactly like gay and Lesbian rights and those are just (trans rights are gouged by force from women's rights, nobody lost anything when gays and Lesbians got more rights), and that all trans people are like the very few old-time transsexuals who truly are few and don't try to dominate everything. So most people think we are heartless, cruel, miserable transphobes.

The reality is so much more complicated, but until I started researching it I was firmly (or somewhat) on the other side, too. It was only really when I saw that all or words were taken away and questioning that meant tervendom that I began to change.

I hope your friend learns wisdom and that you can patch things up one day.

[–][deleted] 19 insightful - 1 fun19 insightful - 0 fun20 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

You didn’t say anything violent either. That’s too bad about your friend.

[–]AdmiralPangolin[S] 24 insightful - 2 fun24 insightful - 1 fun25 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

I just told her that I admire JKR for what she's doing at the moment and that I've reconsidered the TRA narrative and everything it stands for. But that doesn't make me hateful in a "burn all nonbelievers" sense. Guess she read it as "murder them all". Which is sad, I don't know which words to use to express my "wtf" reaction to it.

[–]sisterinsomnia 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

The sarcasm! It is the TRAs who are violent, who make threats and so on. But they are always yelling and screaming and when they go after someone they lose all sense and sometimes don't stop at all. I read that the author of a book about AGP around 2003 was still hounded by transforcers five years later.

[–]Spikygrasspod 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I'm so sorry about your friend. She could have asked you more about your views before leaving. She could have disagreed with you without ghosting you. Things are fucked. I had a terven disagreement with someone recently. Why do I feel so anxious and angry? I don't usually feel this awful when I disagree with people about things. Maybe it's because I feel like everyone is poised to reject me and paint me as the villain.

[–]sudd3nclar1ty 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I believe I feel this way because it is so clearly wrong, yet many don't see the issues at stake clearly. The silencing of non-believers makes it worse. Now I'm agreeing with religious zealots on biological facts and I feel like I'm living that talking heads song lol.

[–]Spikygrasspod 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

It feels really lonely when everyone else is doing something that seems really obviously wrong. Right? Twice as lonely when they say you're the wrong one :(

[–]Poofter 14 insightful - 1 fun14 insightful - 0 fun15 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Yep. I was posting on my Reddit account about how, as a gay man, homosexuality was something totally different than being trans. I also wrote about how I hated the word queer, and that gay was more suiting to my identity. The next morning I got texts from my trans friend outraged I was posting this. He had been stalking my Reddit account for months “out of concern” because he thought I was mentally unwell. He NEVER wrote to me, making sure I was OK. Then as soon as I posted anything about trans people, he decides to instantly send a message about how much he hates me. He never wrote to me when he thought I was suicidal. Never. But now, because he thinks I hate trans people simply by saying it was a different issue separate from gay rights, he won’t be my friend. We’ve been friends for years. Hell, even roommates. Now he won’t even look at my snaps. It’s a fucking joke lmao.

[–]Tikiri 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

OMG that sounds SO creepy! Stalking you on reddit while ignoring you at other times when you needed him? Makes me wonder how else he’s stalking you. Be careful out there! I hear so many horror stories about these people’s obsessive stalking/harassing/doxxing tactics.

[–][deleted] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Ah yes, homosexuality is a mental health concern. So progressive. /s

[–]vitunrotta 8 insightful - 6 fun8 insightful - 5 fun9 insightful - 6 fun -  (1 child)

This is completely OT, but in Finnish the word "Terve!" means basically "hello." I shall now use this word in its original meaning but ACTUALLY I will be outing myself as a terrible TERF. They will never know! Hoo ha ha ha! Runs to the distance merrily cackling

Edit: I actually referred to myself as a TRA... I meant TERF, obviously. :D Geez. Talk about a brain freeze :|

[–]vitunrotta 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

...Staying on topic - I am truly sorry this happened to you. I hope your friend comes to their senses eventually (when this shitshow will inevitably blow over). In the meantime, feel free to vent here and know you're definitely not alone.

[–]ArthnoldManacatsaman 10 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 0 fun11 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

An interesting article I read somewhere (I've forgotten where, apologies) said that these trans ideologues have brought their social media mentality into the real world, which is to say that content or people they disagree with can be blocked, hidden, or deleted.

I'm sorry you were blocked, OP.

[–]TeaAndCigarettes 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Yeah I've lost friends to this too. One of my very best friends. However, I just refuse to cede on this. They claim to be very highly educated and "privileged in academia" so that just makes me some some idiot who doesn't properly understand her own life experiences.

Doesn't sound like misogyny at all, does it? /s

[–]fuckingsealions 8 insightful - 1 fun8 insightful - 0 fun9 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I understand, AP. I saw my best friend of ten years finally a month ago (we've been adhering to distancing but messaging/emailing and phoning). JK Rowling came up. We had what I thought was a respectful discussion about trans issues and women's spaces. She's obviously libfem and cited the one tim we mutually know, "What about X?" And I was like, no, women's rights. It seemed very civil. She left and I thanked her for talking with me, telling her I'd felt alone and frustrated in this insanity. Then, crickets.

I feel like I shouldn't have brought it up because she hadn't read Rowling's essay but said her husband told her about it. 😔

[–]Tikiri 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I’m really sorry this happened to you. Losing a close friend with whom you’ve shared deeply personal stories is always awful. But I also feel strongly (just from my own experience) that if she was a true friend then she would never have cut contact with you like that. It could be a result of different things, but I wonder whether she cut you out of her life because she also agrees with you on some subconscious level, and she does not want to face that? Or she knows trans people i.r.l. and they’ve totally indoctrinated her about how “evil the terfs are” etc., etc. Could be anything ... but ultimately such a fundamental difference in beliefs is not worth sacrificing your own beliefs. I mean, this isn’t about politics or religion, it’s about your very existence as a woman on this planet.

[–]FediNetizen 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

She's stopped communicating because your friend is neurotic and values politics more than your friendship. I know it sucks, but if they're dumping you over political disagreements then they didn't value your friendship much anyways.

[–]luckystar 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I also had a childhood friend just remove me as a friend over one discussion. I didn't even say anything that bad, just that I thought gender roles should be abolished and biological sex should be reserved for medical situations where it matters. (I'm not even full on GC as you can see). It's always purity tests and excommunication. As someone who used to live in an authoritarian country it is VERY authoritarian and disappointing to see.
It's kinda funny if you follow the YTer "Contrapoints", [s]he has been "canceled" multiple times and always writes these groveling apologies that resemble self criticism sessions. They also drove Amanda Jette Knox (woman with AGP husband and transed kid, who literally devoted her life to stanning for trans people) to the point of suicide attempts-- you can google her name to find the info.

I too have never removed or been removed by a friend for political, social, economic, religious disagreements. Only this childhood friend who got into the trans cult. Funny thing is he (born male) did absolutely nothing to "transition" except call himself non binary, share cringey anime and communism memes, and demand everyone use "they" pronouns for him. He even kept his beard ffs.

It's disappointing to see a good friend go that way but ultimately this stuff is more like an MLM for them -- they found a little circle where they feel accepted and the circle discourages contact with "outsiders" so they just reinforce one another in their delusions. Not much we can do about somebody who's been brainwashed.

[–]divingrightintowork 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Whoa - I'm sorry - yeah it's fucked - like I put up with my friends openly saying people like me should be raped and left for dead publicky on their facebooks. Sigh.

[–]onesundaymorning 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Fuck her.

I'll be your friend.

[–]AdmiralPangolin[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

yeah that's what started this friendship actually xD