When I was having a massive crisis I didn't know if my feelings were coming from trauma over childhood abuse and rape, or 'gender identity'.

I asked for mental health help to work it out, naively assuming it would be unbiased and informed by evidence. I was immediately put onto the route to transition, even though I said I didn't know if my issues were being caused by gender identity or trauma and that's what I wanted help to explore. My GP assured me the gender clinic would counsel me and help me work it out, even though that's not what they do.

I very quickly had an appointment with the 'gatekeeper' who asked leading questions about whether I liked dresses or playing with dolls as a child, and whether I felt comfortable with male attention, and my body. I didn't, and even more - I was wearing short hair, jeans, and a polo shirt to the appointment!!!! A sure sign that I was actually a man, as he wrote in his report. He then diagnosed me with Gender Dysphoria from that one brief meeting, and my application to the gender clinic was passed.

I tried to seek mental health help in the meantime, because of, you know, the massive breakdown I was still going through that had not been touched on, and treated as unimportant, even though I was clearly in a state of extreme anguish and confusion. I went to two different private LGBT councillors (still stupidly believing that they would be unbiased professionals with expertise in mental health issues, who also specialised in LGBT issues). They both told me that having trauma was inconsequential to someone's gender identity as it was to someone's sexual orientation, and implied that I was being offensive to question whether my feelings of dysphoria had any basis in trauma. They both told me that anyone who questions their gender identity is clearly trans, because cis people never question it. They both told me that because I was obviously trans, with 100% certainty, that I would never, ever be happy for the whole of the rest of my life and would almost certainly end up killing myself unless I transitioned, which would make me incredibly happy and solve literally every single one of my problems, even the trauma. One told me that my rape trauma was a sign of being trans, because it wouldn't bother me as much if I wasn't really a man (this was a bi handmaiden married to a man, who had never dated a woman but was heavily involved in the local LGBT community). The other told me that I needed to stop thinking of myself as a 'survivor' because it was holding me back and making me have a victim complex. I had only just started to come to terms with the rapes, or integrate them into my understanding of how my life was going (that was really what the crisis was about I think) and it was one of the first times I had spoken to anyone about it. This was a hetro TIM who made me really uncomfortable in just about every way.

I felt totally railroaded onto the transition pathway and was beginning to panic because it was all going so fast (this on top of the ignored breakdown). The next time I saw my GP I mentioned that I was having doubts and needed to see a normal NHS councillor, urgently. She poo-poohed my concerns, said that I was in good hands and just had to wait, and implied that no one likes a flip-flopper, and if I 'ducked out of' this I would never be taken seriously again (not that I ever had before).

Luckily, the transition pathway got delayed, because they were experiencing an influx of too many people(!) and in the meantime I took a course at college. Because of the assessment process, and that alone, I was able to ask for a referral to the NHS mental health team. I dropped out of all LGBT related groups that I was in, and asked for my transition to be delayed. They sent me weird letters telling me they were cancelling my gender clinic placement because I hadn't shown up to appointments I had never heard of and could not have had because I hadn't got that far yet. Honestly it was a relief, even though I still thought I was trans and would need to transition one day.

Now the point of my story - I finally got a mental health assessment, which was three half hour sessions to plead my case for help, as it were, not actual help. It took ONE YEAR since I asked for it. I then finally got my twice monthly sessions, TWO AND A HALF YEARS after that. After a further YEAR of those appointments, I was finally diagnosed with CPTSD, which I had to fight every step of the way for, and then discharged with no further 'help'. I also no longer thought I was trans, but was not able to mention any part of that during my sessions, because I was afraid it would muddy the waters.

I'm sure if you have read this far you can compare and contrast.