all 24 comments

[–][deleted] 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Maybe look into finding a female provider for her visit to help her be more comfortable with what is going to be a pretty personal and invasive experience. They'll have a little more empathy and can provide advice on a more experienced level. It's a good idea to get her used to the concept of a condom, as a no matter what. That's the only protection against STDs and with HPV happening at such an incredibly high rate, she's got to protect herself during every penetrative experience. I would get them without spermacide, or let her try spermacidal foam beforehand to test if there's an allergy. Spermicide isn't the most effective method, and it can cause really shitty, itchy and uncomfortable reactions if she has an allergy to it. Hormonal contraceptives can have a myriad of side effects (headaches, weight gain, mood issues, etc.). I had pretty bad breakthrough bleeding with the low dose pills, and that doesn't happen for everyone but it's a possibility and something to look at when you're doing your pros/cons list. It's also a really big responsibility to keep up with a daily pill and really easy to forget. There's the NuvaRing, which requires a lot less micromanagement on her end, but it's still hormone-based contraceptive. Go over a list of pros and cons with her, or let her talk it out with the provider. Good luck.

[–]Yayme[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you!

[–]GrendelsScaryMom 9 insightful - 1 fun9 insightful - 0 fun10 insightful - 1 fun -  (4 children)

14 is too young to be having intercourse, you are right. Consider instituting a "no closed door" policy.

[–]Yayme[S] 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I did tell her no going off in to the gym and closing the door to make-out after that, thanks for the suggestion.

It's been SUCH a battle. I make one rule, they find a way do the same thing without technically breaking the rule. I know kids are supposed to push boundaries, that's part of growing up.... but wow it's making me stressed out and probably even a little paranoid.

[–]Pantsfeet 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

Good luck, Yayme. I'm not a parent but I do have a niece about your daughter's age that I often worry about. She's a bit naive and the type to put others above her own feelings and discomfort. I've been wondering if I should have a frank talk with her about BC or straight up scar her with horror stories about men :D I didn't have sex until 17 and truly regret all of my teenage relationship (so much that I haven't dated or had sex since). If I did have children I'd probably rule with an iron fist - I don't even like my niece having an unmonitored phone. It sounds like you have a pretty balanced approach - all you can really do is your best as a parent.

[–]Yayme[S] 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

If I did have children I'd probably rule with an iron fist

It's just important to remember that they grow up. You're trying to raise a well-adjusted adult, not just have a well-behaved kid. They're not going to be kids forever, so you want to allow them to make mistakes while you still have some influence over them, so you are there to help guide them. That's why I think it's self-defeating to be so strict your kid is afraid to talk to you. Then all you've done is take away what should be their most valuable resource - YOU! And all your motherly wisdom.

And honestly, kids are like a behavioral mirror, so it's pretty easy to see where you're fucking up, because you can see the shitty behavior in them. When mine was little, I used to wag my finger in her face when I scolded her. I'd crouch down to her level, and say sternly "I told you not to draw on the wall!" while wagging finger in her face.

Then one day she wagged her finger in my face when she was talking to me. It SUCKED! I hated it. I felt like I was being intimidated, and almost threatened. I couldn't believe I'd been doing that to her for years!

The parenting books really help. Some of it is totally unrealistic, and would only work on an imaginary child... but the fundamentals are sound. Like you can count them for stop behavior - "STOP DOING THAT! 1....2.....3...." But you have to motivate start behavior - "You need to start cleaning your room, then you can have friends over!"

[–]Pantsfeet 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thanks for the thoughtful response, though i should have indicated that I was (mostly) joking. The kids think I'm the easy-going fun one compared to their guardian, so I often joke that I'd "rule with an iron fist" if they lived with me.

There are some parenting trends/ideas I've noticed that seem...odd to me. Kids are trusted with the responsibility of having a phone and managing themselves responsibly online at younger and younger ages. Of course my nieces and nephews were always quick to point out so-and-so had a phone at 8, they have social media, their allowed to password protect their phone, etc. As we know all too well, children are supposed to be trusted to know their gender identity and get hormone treatment. And of course, we're supposed to let children have 100% privacy and trust to make good decisions when it comes to sex. And yet many of these kids are coddled when it comes to basic things and have never been allowed to fail or been told no.

Sorry for the rant, it turned out longer than I meant! I don't think anyone here is guilty of the above. I just have a niece that thinks she's smart enough to go online in private but would starve without someone to cook for her and can't work a washing machine!

[–]WrongToy 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

My nephew's 16-17 yo gf has an implant. It's more "foolproof" than the pill, lasts years and can be removed for any reason. His older brother's gf had a similar device.

It was for both of them their first relationship.

[–]Syphii 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Disclaimer: I'm only in my mid-to-late 20s and not a parent.

I don't trust men my own age to wear a condom without complaints when asked so I would highly recommend other forms of birth control as a backup for her. From my experiences and my friends, a lot of young girls are heavily pressured by their boyfriends to engage in sexual activities before they are ready. "If you loved me you would...", "It doesn't feel as good if I wear one...", "I'll leave you if you don't..." and other manipulative bullshit. Obviously you should still strongly encourage her to use condoms 100% of the time, but it's better to be safe than sorry when it comes to STDs and pregnancy. I was sexually assaulted by my first boyfriend (I was 14 & he was 18) which prompted my parents to get me implanon (hormonal implant in the arm) since I told them I thought I was pregnant. I was too ashamed to tell them the truth of what happened and most of my friends had similar experiences of their own so it seemed normal to me at the time. Talk about consent, red flags to look out for in relationships, and how she can always trust you to be there for her. Catshit already gave some great advice on other birth control methods, but I really wanted to add in talking about consent and that it's okay to wait.

[–]Yayme[S] 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Thank you very much for that advice. I do worry a lot about consent, and I agree with need to have a discussion about it. And also about her just being able to say no to something.

That's one of the things I hate about that Karen meme. It doesn't impact me, but it certainly makes young women afraid to stand up for themselves.

I'll have the conversation today. Thanks again for the suggestion!

[–]Camberian 6 insightful - 1 fun6 insightful - 0 fun7 insightful - 1 fun -  (5 children)

Hmm.

Firstly, there are special types of contraceptive pills geared towards teenagers, and the gynaecologist needs to make sure, anyway, that she does not have any habits (e.g. smoking) or illnesses, which could heighten the risk for blood clots. Find a good gyn and send your daughter to them if she plans on having sex for more than a few times.

Secondly, there are perfectly secure and viable methods of chemical and mechanical contraception (contraceptive foam/gel with a condom or a diaphragm) which you can get in advance and in such ample amounts, that you and your daughter can stash them anywhere where she might happen to have sex. Including a set to go into her purse, so she never is without. It's a bit fiddly, but most teenagers quickly figure it out (I remember well enough that we all did).

Thirdly, please stop disrespecting your daughter's privacy. If you want her to stay relaxed with you and any information and help coming from you, you need to let go. Allow her the security of your home to make those first experiences, rather than force her out into a car, motels, sub-par friends' place or doing it standing in a side alley. And what not else. I had sex for the first time just after I turned 15 and my parents were relaxed enough to respect my closed door. And cool enough to allow my then boyfriend to have breakfast with us. I cherish that respect to the day.

Lastly, and pardon my directness, but that notion that someone bonds with someone they sleep with hormonally driven in any great manner is BS. Sex doesn't automatically cause the release of any "bonding hormones" (you are probably thinking of oxytocin). That hormone is already produced when you cuddle (even you as the mother with your daughter). Most teenagers quickly get over their first lovers and move on, we are more like bonobos, and less like swans.

[–]Yayme[S] 8 insightful - 4 fun8 insightful - 3 fun9 insightful - 4 fun -  (3 children)

Oh you. I think I'm just going to ignore your patronizing, snarky, naive, uninformed response. Otherwise I might tell you to fuck off and shove it up your ass.

Edit to add: Ok. I've cooled off some. So I'll go ahead and try to make a reasonable response.

I suspect you feel like I've personally attacked your parents, and that's why your answers were so shitty. I'm clearly against my child having sex at a young age, while your parents were obviously very permissive with it. Different parents have different styles. One is not better than the other. What I'm doing does not mean your parents were wrong. What your parents did does not mean I'm wrong.

But your answers mostly don't apply to me, because I'm taking a different approach than the one you were raised with. But thank you for taking the time to answer.

[–]Camberian 5 insightful - 1 fun5 insightful - 0 fun6 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

None of my post was snarky, uninformed or patronising. But whatever - a nice day to you as well.

[–]Yayme[S] 9 insightful - 2 fun9 insightful - 1 fun10 insightful - 2 fun -  (1 child)

but that notion that someone bonds with someone they sleep with hormonally driven in any great manner is BS

(because you say it's BS I guess the matter is settled! eyeroll)

https://www.elitedaily.com/dating/sex/why-does-sex-create-attachment/2083231

Most teenagers quickly get over their first lovers and move on

(except the 25% that don't. I guess eyeroll)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-the-name-love/201812/is-marrying-your-first-and-only-lover-bad-idea

Thirdly, please stop disrespecting your daughter's privacy.

She's 14. She's not an adult. The idea that I should not check on her is stupid. A parent is actually supposed to.. you know.... parent. Not just be in the same general vicinity while their kid grows up.

I'm curious now - did your parents actually even know you were upstairs having sex when they offered your boyfriend a cigarette when he was done - oops, I mean made him breakfast when he was done?

Because I know a LOT of parents that have their heads in the sand. Their kids are having sex, sneaking out, drinking alcohol, smoking pot, vaping, watching violent degrading porn, getting brainwashed by trans grooming gangs - and their parents have no idea.

So I'm wondering if your parents were the clueless kind, or the permissive kind.

Including a set to go into her purse, so she never is without.

Do you even know any 14 year olds? I don't know a single one that carries a purse. They put their phone in their backpocket, and their money in their phone.

It's all pretty shitty and/or uninformed.

[–]Camberian 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Elite Daily? Psychology Today? I suggest something more scientific and peer reviewed if you want to convince me. This isn't even popular science.

Purse, backpack, back pocket - it doesn't matter which, as long as it holds their stuff. Where I live - which is not the USA - you can't wipe your nose with a phone, nor use it as a tampon, or carry your keys. Lots of teens and adults here still use some sort of carryall.

I'm however done with this discussion. I bow out. :)

[–]Diversity_Racket 5 insightful - 3 fun5 insightful - 2 fun6 insightful - 3 fun -  (0 children)

15 years later and now I find out there's pills for teenagers. Thanks for nothing, mom! lol.

[–]slushpilot 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Above all else, talk about condoms—this shouldn't just be the girl's responsibility. Yes, there is trust involved with that but it also introduces a couple of good things into the dynamic, that you can explain to your daughter as something that she can use to protect her own agency:

  1. Telling the boyfriend "not without a condom" is a low-threshold test for how much he respects her and her boundaries. This is something they both need to learn to say and hear.

  2. Explain that if they're not mature enough to go to the store and buy their own box of condoms (both of them—whether separately or together), then they're in no position to claim they're responsible enough to consider having sex. Ask to see a store receipt for extra credit, haha.

  3. Having the condoms at least means they've thought ahead, and done the minimum of planning.

[–]OrangeFirefly 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

A guy who won't wear a condom is not a guy your daughter should be having sex with. That's a message she needs to hear.

She doesn't sound at all ready anyway if she got flustered over kissing with tongues.

[–]Diversity_Racket 4 insightful - 1 fun4 insightful - 0 fun5 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

A bit off topic, but growing up I couldn't talk to my mother about anything and that resulted in some pretty devastating/lonely sexual experiences. So the fact that you're open/able to speak to your daughter about these things is nice to see - and it will help if and when your daughter does need to open up. I think this will also help her make the best decisions for her, knowing that she has a supportive mother.

This is purely anecdotal, but for me, birth control at that age (I was a couple years older) was a life saver, and I didn't "feel" any side effects at that age, however, I'm finally taking a break from it now (first break in 14 years!) and while it obviously helped prevent pregnancy, the side effects over time really suck. Not sure if it was because I had taken it for so long without any breaks in between, but it really messed with my body. Now I'm trying to get my body back to its "normal" state. And! I made the mistake of not using condoms when I was younger so now it feels totally foreign and "not the same." So that's why I echo what others said about having your daughter getting used to condoms now - really, really recommend this. And use birth control as an almost-guarantee-back-up.

Also, when I was going through the process of getting birth control, I didn't have any women in my life (other than input from friends and they didn't know any better themselves) to help and it was a pretty lonely experience. Whatever your daughter decides to, just support her along the way and get some input from professionals.

BTW- I'm not a parent so can't give any advice beyond my personal anecdote.

As an aside: why aren't male contraceptives on the market yet??? (Rhetorical question because we all know why.. but still. I'm waiting for this blessed day)

[–][deleted] 2 insightful - 2 fun2 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 2 fun -  (0 children)

They whine enough about condoms as it is. Chances are, anything that would alter their sperm count would alter their test levels too. Test is tied to men's immune health, mental health, fat to muscle ratio, etc.. I honestly don't really even totally agree with female hormonal contraceptives with the ways that they can fuck us over time, but they're a necessity in a lot of cases. I'm back and forth on my tubal ligation, but it was probably for the best because I'm not a hormonal asshole anymore.

[–]twinpeakmayor 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I raally love my copper IUD. if she has bad periods it may not be best though.

[–]rad-sage-fem 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

Yup, I was going to recommend the copper IUD too. No hormones. I had heavy periods before and I haven't found them worse with it, personally. It can be tricky to find someone to insert them for women who haven't hard children, though, depending on where you're located.

Hormonal IUDs are great too, if you want to go for hormones but at a smaller dose. And stay away from the shot, which tends to be pushed on teens a lot (especially teens of colour if that applies to your daughter, OP). It's good for 3 months but there's no way to guarantee that the hormones are out of your system after 3 months, and no way to reverse it if she were to have side effects.

Finally, if your daughter wants to learn more about her cycle, you could get her Cycle Savvy by Toni Weschler (who wrote Taking Charge of your Fertility).

[–]Yayme[S] 1 insightful - 1 fun1 insightful - 0 fun2 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I didn't realize the copper IUD doesn't have hormones. Thanks!

[–]Veneficca 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

Your post made me realize how rarely I see birth control discussions in women's spaces. And yet it's becoming an urgent conversation again with abortion rights going the way of the woolly mammoth, and the Right trying/succeeding to eliminate birth control coverage.

I took the Pill in high school. Looking back, my friends and I would have been better off with implant BC.