My peak as really only happened recently, but looking back, has been building for the past two years. It’s mostly centred around one person, S, so for the longest time I thought I just had issues with S personally, not the trans community as a whole. But after reading other people’s stories on here about trans individuals who have used their trans identity to intimidate and insert themselves into women’s lives unwanted, I’ve realised that my issues with S are part of a much wider, alarming issue.

tl;dr: GNC man doesn’t like that I won’t date him, proceeds to insert himself into every aspect of my life including claiming to be a TIM to get assigned to my female-only dorm 6000 miles from home (It didn’t work). I’ve rewritten this so many times and every time it got too long, so here is a list of all the things I can think of that happened with S that contributed to my peak:

• S came to my country (in Europe) to study at my university. Asked us to use they/them pronouns as he was GNC.
• S then refused to use she/her pronouns for me and my female friends, claiming that they/them was more polite for everyone. Only stopped once another of my friends angrily confronted him.
• S told me he was interested in me, and when I turned him down, he harassed the guy I was tentatively seeing so much that it scared the other guy off. S then attempted to be my “shoulder to cry on”
• When I didn’t immediately fall into his arms, he started dating one of my friends. However, he would always invite me to hang out, and not wanted to hurt my friend who he was dating, I agreed. Turned out he was inviting me to all their dates and I third wheeled almost all of them.
• We all had to study abroad in Japan for a year as part of our degree. I opted for a quiet, rural university, and S’s girlfriend opted for Tokyo. S chose the exact same university as me from a list of 15 options, and over 600km from his girlfriend.
• Before leaving for Japan, S came out as TIM and tried to get assigned to the female only Japanese dorms. He also told me that he had specifically asked to live with me, without asking me if I was okay with it first.
• When the Japanese university said no, they placed him in a separate building of single-occupancy dorms instead. He complained about how unfair this was they entire time we were in Japan.
• S never told anyone their preferred name or pronouns (now she/her) and did nothing to live “as a female” (whatever that means), yet would get incredibly angry when he was misgendered/misnamed. We were all somehow meant to magically know.
• After returning from Japan, S has gone back to identifying as GNC and using they/them pronouns.

To put it simply, I have a really uneasy feeling that S has been using the excuse of being transgender in order to insert himself into my life, and into female only spaces. The fact that I turned him down romantically and he then thought it was appropriate to request to live with me in a single-sex dorm still creeps me out to this day – I’m so so glad that it didn’t happen.

No woman has ever made me feel this unsafe; this pursued. I thought that at first, my problem was with S and that surely he was just a bad example and the community as a whole was valid, but the more I think about it, the more I realise that I’ve noticed similar behaviours from other trans people that I know. (For example, another TIM that insists on hugging me every opportunity, even though I have told them I’m not a hugger. I don’t even hug my female friends, but this guy is really insistent that it’s “what girls do”).

I’ve never been good with words. I can’t eloquently argue my point. That’s why I’m so grateful I found this community, because it has helped to really realise why these behaviours have made me feel so uncomfortable.

Every TIM I’ve ever met has used the excuse of “being a woman” to violate my personal space and to feel entitled to a position in my life. I feel like I have been forced to accept it or be labelled a transphobe. This silencing of women with fear tactics and complete distain for our boundaries is exactly what I thought feminism was fighting against, so to see it so widely accepted in libfem circles is honestly so alarming.