QT: Do you regret any part of your medical transition?

submitted by worried19 from self.GCdebatesQT

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[–]Gravel_Roads 7 insightful - 1 fun7 insightful - 0 fun8 insightful - 1 fun -  (3 children)

I had top surgery. I don't regret it, so I'm not sure if my sort of answer would help.

Weirdly, as soon as it was done it was hard to remember what it felt like to not have a flat chest. I don't know if it's just a natural body mapping since we don't really have a lot of articulation/use of that area, so there isn't much sensory change to adjust to, but I didn't experience any "phantom tits" or experience any obstacles in recovery. I don't even have them in my dreams.

I transitioned later in life, around 30, and for me the changes have all been for the better. I don't think dysphoria is very well represented, as it's not an "emotional instability", it doesn't on its own cause suicidal ideation. It just makes it hard to look down at your body and understand why it is socially/culturally defined by terms that, (for me) literally don't make sense. So I felt like I'd just been issued the wrong rental car, but it could still drive and I had places to be, so I treated my life/existence as one might play a randomly generated RPG character assigned to them. And I did "okay"? I found body mods helped me feel connected to and in control of my body, and I was always extremely GNC and bisexual (it felt, for me, all connected - I didn't know why bodies had to be man/woman, why sexuality had to be oriented to man/woman, why my clothes and hair and presentation had to be man/woman ect. The more "pick and mix" I could be, the happier I was.)

But it SUCKED, because I still didn't feel right. Dating was impossible because I resented people being attracted to my female features; no matter how sweet or kind or attractive or fun or confident or how much I liked my partners, it would take me out of it immediately if they wanted to caress my hip or touch my breasts. I had a hard time seeing doctors because my body always seemed wrong, and when it was sick or injured it felt like it was natural to be sick or injured, because I didn't feel healthy in it.

Transitioning was the first time in my adult life I began to take my health care seriously. I don't know if it was specific transition to male, or just departure from rigidly being "female", but it's been easier to love my body now that it's shaped this way. I see dentists and I get vaccinations, I have a primary care physician. I'm able to focus on work more and be more productive. I also have been able to get more out of my own head and develop more empathy for others, because I'm not just angry at how I'm being seeing by others. Because I changed it.

So for me, it was an absolute improvement. But I will say very clearly that it was only part of the process, and the surgery in and of itself would not likely have done anything for me if I hadn't already spent a lot of time thinking about it and processing my other issues alongside it.

Transition isn't the destination. It's just a route one takes to change their life. Ideally, once it's changed you don't think about it much, because the change has become the new reality. But for me, that new reality is much easier to navigate than the old one.

[–]worried19[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (2 children)

I'm glad you don't regret it. I assume you're also on testosterone? Have you had any complications from that? Do doctors have to monitor you pretty closely? Feel free not to answer if any of my questions are too personal.

I don't know if it's just a natural body mapping since we don't really have a lot of articulation/use of that area, so there isn't much sensory change to adjust to

I've heard that a lot of people come away from that surgery with no sensation, like their entire chest is just numb or a dead zone. Do you still have sensation in your chest and your nipples?

I was always extremely GNC and bisexual (it felt, for me, all connected - I didn't know why bodies had to be man/woman, why sexuality had to be oriented to man/woman, why my clothes and hair and presentation had to be man/woman ect. The more "pick and mix" I could be, the happier I was.)

I struggle to understand it also as a GNC person. I just consider my body my body. It's the one I got born with. But I don't feel like I have to align my body with what society wants. Surprisingly, for whatever reason, I have never hated my body. I suppose my rage was directed outward.

[–]Gravel_Roads 2 insightful - 1 fun2 insightful - 0 fun3 insightful - 1 fun -  (1 child)

I assume you're also on testosterone? Have you had any complications from that? Do doctors have to monitor you pretty closely?

No complications. I know GC people spread around horror stories of trans men's bones dissolving and testosterone putting them in wheelchairs, but I have not experienced any of that. I've been on T for about 10 years, and am still very active and healthy. I jog, rock climb, move furniture and building supplies at work ect. The changes I have experienced I was informed of ahead of time, and most I actively wanted (like deepening voice or facial hair.) I have a blood test to check my T levels about every 3-4 months to make sure I'm in a healthy range, and my doctor and I are both conservative on what "healthy" means (ie when my levels got higher last year, doc asked if I'd be okay dropping from .5 to .4 administered a week, but I ultimately opted to go down to .33 on my own, just to play safe.)

I struggle to understand it also as a GNC person. I just consider my body my body. It's the one I got born with. But I don't feel like I have to align my body with what society wants.

Honestly, I consider myself a GNC person as well. I also consider my body to be "my body". That's why i get to decide what to do with it (to be clear, I don't feel like you've said otherwise or anything.) I don't consider transitioning to be anything close to "what society want", it's pretty obvious that I'd be treated better and respected more if I had not transitioned (GC people would stop calling me delusional and perverted, and men would stop whining that I was "hotter as a girl" lol). I just don't care. I grew up a queer kid in the Bible Belt, so I'm used to being surrounded by people who look down on me for how I live my life. I base my life off what makes me happy, not off what makes other people happy, if that makes sense. It's made things harder in some ways, but I've tried conforming and fitting in in the past, and it's not for me. It just makes me hate myself more.

[–]worried19[S] 3 insightful - 1 fun3 insightful - 0 fun4 insightful - 1 fun -  (0 children)

I know GC people spread around horror stories of trans men's bones dissolving and testosterone putting them in wheelchairs,

I was thinking more of cancer and vaginal and uterine atrophy. I think the bone density problem is more of an issue with kids who have been on puberty blockers or people who have no estrogen production at all. I certainly hope you remain healthy, and I'm glad doctors are monitoring you. Do they just watch your testosterone levels, or are there other tests? How do you know if there's a problem developing with your uterus?

I don't consider transitioning to be anything close to "what society want", it's pretty obvious that I'd be treated better and respected more if I had not transitioned

Really? Surely you must pass 100% as a guy. I wish I could. I know I'd be treated a million times better by society. As it is, I pass as a guy only if people aren't looking too closely, and then when they realize I'm female I'm looked as some kind of GNC freak. I wish I could blend in, but that's obviously not in the cards. Do you really not think you have male-passing privilege?

GC people would stop calling me delusional and perverted

Well, I don't think you're delusional. You can certainly make your own choices in life, and you obviously are aware you were born female and don't deny it. Plus natal female people are very unlikely to be transitioning for sexual reasons, so you certainly aren't a pervert. I don't think GC people would say you were? They tend to reserve that for those they consider autogynephiles.